


Let Me Come Home on a Summer Night

by SouvenirsFamiliers (unnecessary)



Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: Adopted Loki, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Growing Up, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pining, Pseudo-Incest, Slow Build, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-26
Updated: 2016-12-31
Packaged: 2017-12-21 10:50:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 57,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/899442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unnecessary/pseuds/SouvenirsFamiliers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They would run through the dusty field out behind their house, laughing as their bare feet pounded on the dirt, running from the storm clouds that followed them. They would come inside grinning and wet and muddy, and their mother would scold them, and neither of them could ever remember being happier. They grew up brothers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is also posted on my fanfiction.net account [here](http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8874753/1/Let-Me-Come-Home-on-a-Summer-Night).

Thor and Loki lived with their parents in a sprawling house in Alabama that had been in their mother's family for generations. She had been a model Southern Belle in her youth, and her smile and charm had not faded with the years. Their father loved their mother so much he didn't know what to do with himself, though he was always gruff and awkward around her in public. As for Loki and Thor – boys would be boys, and they tried to spend as much time away from their parents as possible.

They would run through the dusty field out behind their house, laughing as their bare feet pounded on the dirt, running from the storm clouds that followed them, and when the first drops of rain fell, Thor would tackle Loki to the ground. They would come inside grinning and wet and muddy, and their mother would scold them, and neither of them could ever remember being happier.

They grew up brothers.

* * *

It was winter and raining and Thor and Loki were bored. Their mother was trying to get them to help make dinner, so Loki was holding the top off the stew while she stirred. Thor was having none of it, and he was sitting on the floor watching them. "Are we ever going to get a sister?" he asked plaintively.

Frigga laughed and let Loki put the lid back on the stew. "Why would you want another sibling? You have a brother right here."

Thor frowned and rested his chin on his knees. "I just . . . thought it would be nice to have a sister."

Frigga looked at Loki in confusion, and he rolled his eyes and mouthed,  _"Jane."_

"Oh," she said. "Didn't one of the girls in your class get a baby sister recently? Jane?"

Thor blushed. "She's really cute," he mumbled.

"Jane or the baby?" Loki asked, and Thor tried to hit him, but he darted out of the way, smirking.

"Not in the kitchen," Frigga scolded them gently. "And it isn't up to you if we have another baby." She reached down and placed a kiss on Thor's forehead, and then quickly pecked Loki on the cheek. "You two are all I need."

"But you  _could_ have another one, if you wanted to."

Frigga laughed, though a little sadly. "I'm afraid you were my one and only chance, honey," she told Thor, and she ruffled his hair.

Thor stilled under her hand. He frowned up in her confusion, and she realized too late what she had said. "What?"

Frigga looked at Loki. His face had gone pale. She took a step towards him and he took a step back. "What do you mean?"

Frigga's face fell. "Oh, darling," she said, and Loki bolted out of the room.

Loki locked himself in his room. Thor sat outside, his head resting against the doorjamb, and talked and pleaded with Loki until Loki finally opened the door. Loki looked at him, his eyes red, and wordlessly let him inside before he locked the door again. They curled up under the covers, and Thor held Loki's hands and pressed their foreheads together while Loki cried in long, heart-wrenching sobs that made his whole body shake.

"Why didn't anyone tell me," Loki whispered after he had calmed down. "I thought –" He looked dangerously close to tears again, and Thor tensed, but his eyes remained dry. "I thought we were brothers."

"We are," Thor assured him, and he squeezed his hand. "We'll always be brothers. I don't care that you're adopted." Loki flinched at the word, but Thor kept going. "I mean it, Loki. I don't care if ma doesn't have any more kids, as long as I still have you. I'll – I'll always be here."

Loki smiled. "You had better be." Thor grinned, and he decided that Loki was finally alright.

After that, Loki changed. He grew more sullen and spoke less. Thor was the only one who didn't start to avoid him. That meant more to Loki than he would ever say.

* * *

Every Sunday, they would dress up for church. Even when they were young, Loki would always be spotless, even though he whined about having to wear the collared shirt that pinched at his neck and the uncomfortable shoes. Thor was frequently covered in dust from wrestling with his friends, and at least a few buttons were always undone. Frigga would make a displeased noise and Odin would sigh, but Loki would always be the one to brush off the dirt first. He would do up Thor's buttons one at at time, frowning as he fumbled with them, but Thor never complained. He would smile at Loki, and Loki could feel his warm breath on his face.

When the summer thunderstorms would come, Loki would sneak into Thor's room. Thor was a heavy sleeper and didn't mind the thunder and lightening, but he would wake up when Loki crawled into his bed. It wasn't the thunder that frightened Loki: it was the lightening. Thor would move over, and Loki would bury his face in his pillow to block out the light. Somehow, it seemed like lightening would never dare strike Thor.

"Those boys," a neighbor once said to Frigga, "They look out for each other."

Frigga smiled. "They do."

* * *

"I'm making pie," Frigga called. "Thor, what flavor do you want?"

Thor and Loki, who had been playing in Thor's bedroom, raced for the stairs. Thor easily elbowed Loki aside and took the stairs two at a time, while Loki rolled his eyes and followed close behind him. "What about Loki?" Thor demanded when he reached the kitchen.

Frigga was at the counter rolling out the crust while Odin washed the dishes leftover from breakfast. "Loki already told me what he wants," Frigga told Thor over her shoulder. "It's down to pumpkin or apple."

"I vote apple," Odin rumbled, and he reached over and gave his wife a peck on the shoulder. She shrugged him off and smiled.

"What if it's a tie?" Thor asked.

"I'm not voting," replied Frigga. "Now hurry, because this needs to go in the oven."

"What did you vote for?" Thor asked Loki, but Loki just smirked and leaned against the doorway.

"I'm not telling you."

Thor hesitated. "What will it be?" Frigga asked.

"Pumpkin," Thor said finally. He watched Loki closely, and he saw Loki's lips curve into a smile.

"Damn," said Odin.

"Pumpkin it is! Now wash your hands, because both of you have to help."

"Ha," said Odin with a smile as his sons groaned.

"It'll be apple next time," Frigga assured him.

"Mmm-hmm," said Odin, and he and his wife exchanged a long, lingering glance and a warm smile. Thor and Loki rolled their eyes at each other as they both stole a bit of the pastry dough.

"Stop that," Frigga told them. "One of you, put the crust in the oven so the middle can cook while we make the filling."

"I'll do it!" shouted Thor, but Loki had already grabbed the glass pie plate. Thor opened the oven and reached for the pie, but Loki outmaneuvered him.

"No. I had it first, Thor," he said as he slid it in the oven, but Thor was still reaching for it, and he bumped into Loki. The pie plate slipped from Loki's hands, and Thor barely managed to keep it from falling onto the floor. Loki's hand hit the hot door of the oven and he let out a sharp exclamation of pain.

Thor looked up wide-eyed. Frigga muttered something under her breath and steered her younger son to the sink, pushing her husband out of the way in the process. She turned the water on cold and stuck Loki's hand under it. Loki hissed at the pressure on the burn.

Odin and Thor could do nothing but watch. Odin's hands were dripping water and soap suds on the floor. It was stupid, but Thor was on the edge of tears, and when he met his father's eyes, Odin noticed. He pulled Thor into a hug and sighed. "It wasn't your fault," he told Thor.

"Yes, it was!" Loki snapped over his shoulder. His eyebrows were drawn together and he looked more angry than in pain. "You  _always_  side with Thor. He was the one who pushed me."

"That wasn't his intention."

"It doesn't matter whose fault it was," Frigga said before Loki could open his mouth to reply. She turned off the water. "Thor, get the filling started. Loki, go sit down. Don't put any pressure on the burn." As Loki passed him, Thor saw that the side of his hand was bright red. Thor angrily turned back to the mixing bowl and reached for the pumpkin.

When the pie was done, Thor went looking for Loki. He found him sitting on the back porch, reading a book. Thor glanced at the title and immediately lost interest;  _Principia Mathematica_ by Sir Isaac Newton, said the part of the cover that wasn't covered by Loki's fingers. Loki was frowning heavily. It looked like he was having a hard time getting through it.

"I brought you some pie," Thor said.

"Thank you," said Loki without looking up.

"I'm sorry, Loki," Thor said. He tried not to sound miserable and failed. When Loki didn't react, Thor sat down next to him, grabbed the fork off the plate, and cut off a forkful of pie.

"Hey!" said Loki, and he hastily put the book down in his lap.

"Ah, ah," said Thor, grinning. He held the pie out of reach. "Show me the burn first."

Loki rolled his eyes. "You're such a child," he said, but obediently held out his hand. The redness had faded, but there was now a blister sitting angrily under the skin.

Thor's mouth compressed into an unhappy line. He handed over the pie. "Here."

"Thank you." Loki took the pie too quickly, pretending not to notice Thor's expression. He took an eager bite . . . and chewed very slowly. His expression turned quizzical.

"Yeah," Thor said. "I might have put in too much cinnamon."

Loki coughed, and then laughed. "'Might have'?"

Thor grinned and leaned his head against Loki's knee. "Do you forgive me?"

"Yes," said Loki, and he mussed Thor's hair. He paused, his hand still buried in Thor's shaggy blond locks.

Thor peered curiously at Loki through his fringe. Loki was giving him a very strange look. "What?"

Without comment, Loki leaned in and buried his nose in Thor's hair. "Your hair smells like cinnamon," he said in what sounded like awe. Thor froze. Loki pulled back and looked at Thor. "How in  _hell_ did you get cinnamon in your hair?"

"Loki Laufey Borrsson," Frigga called out the window, "I had better not have just heard you swear."

"No, ma," Loki and Thor chorused. Loki smiled at Thor, and when he finally removed his fingers from Thor's hair, Thor's scalp tingled.

* * *

At some point, Loki's interest in church disappeared altogether. Thor could see it in his eyes and the bored set of his mouth, but he kept coming anyway. He didn't sing the hymns anymore, and Thor missed it. He missed trying to pick Loki's voice out of the crowd, and he missed trying to match their harmonies until their voices made one wavering tone. But Loki simply stood there quietly, staring ahead, and no one ever said a word about it.

The year Loki turned fourteen, Thor and Loki were waiting for their parents one day outside of church after the service. Loki leaned in close to Thor and stared at him intently. Thor stood still and eyed him warily. ". . . Brother?"

"You have freckles."

Thor frowned at him. "What?" He wiped his hand over his face like he could feel them. " _No_  I don't!"

A mischievous smile spread across Loki's face. "Then why did your voice just crack, hmm?"

Thor could feel his face heating. "That doesn't have anything to do with it. I don't have freckles. It's probably dust or something." He wiped at his face again, but he didn't know where these "freckles" were supposed to be. Loki seemed to be looking at his mouth, and that couldn't be right.

Loki's eyes jumped back up to Thor's. He grinned again, a slow grin that made Thor blush twice as fast.  _Damn_ it, he was wasn't embarrassed! "You have freckles, Thor. You've been spending too much time in the sun."

"Come on," Thor said in a voice that sounded remarkably like a whine. He tried to lower his voice. "How come I've never noticed them?"

"Well, you don't have very many." Loki reached out. Thor flinched away, but Loki was too fast and ran his finger down the side of Thor's nose. "There's just a couple."

"How many exactly?"

Loki leaned in closer, squinting at Thor's skin. "Hmm . . . maybe just one."

"One!" Thor snorted. "You can't have just one freckle!"

Loki's eyes met Thor's, and they were close – so close, Thor could see the little flecks of darker green in the midst of the jade. Jesus, he had beautiful eyes. No one else had eyes like that in their family. "You do," said Loki, and he turned away laughing.

Thor felt like this was connected to church, somehow, but that was ridiculous. He clapped his hand to his face again, absently tracing the same line that Loki had. Freckles and God had nothing to do with each other.

Besides, he didn't  _have_  freckles.

* * *

As they got taller and Thor's hair became longer, Thor's clothes became neater and neater. He was never covered in dirt anymore, but for some reason he always left the top two buttons of his collared shirt undone. Loki would wordlessly move closer to him and button them up with deft fingers. Thor would watch him, watch the slight shadow made by a loose, dark curl of hair, the line of his eyelashes as he gazed down at his work. Being so close to Loki was like suffocating in the heat of a summer's day. He could feel the warmth of Loki's fingers on the hollow of his throat, and Thor would hold his breath as though that would preserve the moment.

Then Loki would finish, sometimes with a tug on Thor's collar to straighten it and the slightest brush of his fingers on Thor's skin. He always moved away without so much as glancing at Thor's face, and Thor felt himself drawn after him. He wanted to see that flash of green eyes directed at him, the way Loki's lips parted when it was too hot out and sweat collected on his upper lip–

Thor always had to look away, then, because Loki might be adopted, might never get the broad shoulders Thor had inherited from Odin, might never be able to give Frigga's easy smile, but they were brothers. That was the one boundary they could never cross. Thor never thought about why, about why he wasn't supposed to watch the curve of Loki's throat in the afternoon light: it was just the way it was.

And then, one summer, everything changed.


	2. Chapter 2

It was fall and it was cold.

Loki made his way quickly down the stairs of the high school, being jostled as he went. He huffed out a breath and pulled his backpack more securely over his shoulder. "Loki!" someone called excitedly. When Loki looked up, he was unsurprised to see Thor making his way towards him. He was surprised to see that he was alone.

"Hey," Thor said breathlessly, coming to a stop in front of Loki and completely ignoring the dirty looks of the other students. Loki dutifully stopped to avoid running into Thor, and the end-of-school crowds parted to go around them.

Loki was fourteen and in his first year of high school. Thor was a sophomore, nearly sixteen, and in classic Thor fashion, had completely skipped the gangly, awkward stage that Loki was currently stuck in. Thor's grin was bright enough to make even his teachers smile back, and he had more friends than Loki suspected he knew what to do with. He no time for anyone but his friends. This didn't surprise Loki, but it hurt, so he ignored it as much as he possibly could. Thor grinned at him and Loki raised an eyebrow, pretending to be unimpressed. To him, after all, Thor was just his brother.

"What."

"I'm going to Jane's house after school, so tell ma and pa I might be late for dinner, okay?"

Loki rolled his eyes. "Sure."

"See you later!" Thor dashed away again. Loki watched him go, and then pushed a dark curl of hair out of his eyes and resumed his way down the stairs. He tried to crush his disappointment. After all, he should be used to this by now.

He made his way to the carpool and slipped into the backseat of their father's sedan. "Where's Thor?" Odin asked.

Loki pulled the door shut with a slam and set his attention on buckling his seatbelt. "Jane's. He'll be late for dinner."

"Ah." Odin pulled away from the curb. Loki watched the school turn into an empty field, then a used auto parts store, then a neighborhood.

"How was school?"

"Fine." They didn't say another word during the drive home.

* * *

 

When they got home, Loki, being the studious child he was, curled up on the couch in the living room with a collection of Victorian erotica with an innocuous title that he had found in the library. He had told his parents it was a book for school. It wasn't.

At nearly 6:30, Jane's car rolled into their driveway. Both Thor and jane had driver's licenses, but neither of them was technically allowed to drive other people yet. When they walked in the door, Loki lowered his book and narrowed his eyes at them. Jane was smiling, Thor was grinning, and Odin and Frigga welcomed Jane to dinner as though she was a third child rather than a house guest who had probably just broken the law by driving their true-born child home. Loki scoffed, and then looked at Thor curiously. Thor couldn't seem to stop grinning.

Thor finally noticed Loki. "Heeey, little brother," he said, and he walked over to Loki and ruffled his hair.

Loki made a spluttering noise like an angry cat and batted Thor's hand away. "What was that for?!" Thor took one look at Loki's bright red face, laughed, and walked away without any explanation. Loki huffed and tried to smooth his hair into something presentable. Thor hadn't called him "little brother" for a long time. Loki  _hated_ it when he did.

"Loki? Are you going to come eat?"

Loki put his book down and followed Thor into the dining room. He sat down, they said grace, and Loki turned his attention to the food.

"How was your day at school, Thor?" asked Frigga as she served herself a slice of bread.

Thor cleared his throat awkwardly. "Well, today –" His eyes slid over to Jane, which Loki noticed with a slight raised eyebrow. Thor wasn't one to forget what he was saying. "That is, uh. Jane and I are dating."

"Oh, that's wonderful," said Frigga with brilliant smile.

"Congratulations," Odin rumbled.

Thor grinned while Jane blushed and tried to act casual about it at his side. Loki stared at Thor from across the table.

"Loki, don't look so shocked," said Odin as he passed his wife the salad. "We were talking the other day about how we were waiting for this to happen." He gave Thor a knowing look. Thor turned a little pink.

 _"Really?"_  asked Jane with a disbelieving smile. She was more than a little red.

"Yeah," said Loki, and he quickly turned his attention back to his food. Odin had made a passing comment about it two dinners before, which Thor had missed because he had been having dinner at Jane's house. Talking about it was one thing; having it happen was another. He felt something tight begin to coil in his gut. He wasn't sure whether to feel happy for Thor or . . . not.

When it was time for Jane to go home, Thor walked her outside. Loki hesitated, and then went to the living room window to watch them. Thor and Jane talked for a moment by the car Jane had borrowed. Thor took her hands as they talked, and then they both went quiet. They looked at each other for a long moment. Jane was smiling slightly and her pretty brown eyes were focused entirely on Thor. She leaned up and kissed him.

Loki closed the curtains and walked away as steadily and purposefully as he could. Later, he would remember that moment like a sliver of glass that had been slipped under his ribs.

* * *

 

In December, Thor turned sixteen. Some of the limitations on his license were lifted, so it became his responsibility to drive himself and Loki home from school. More often than not, Jane came with them. She would sit in the front and talk with Thor while Loki would sit in the back, staring out the window or at his iPod.

When Loki turned fifteen, he decided he wanted to get his learner's permit. Odin had taught Thor how to drive, but after one too many near-death experiences for both of them, Odin had swore he wouldn't be the one to teach Loki. That responsibility fell to Thor, so they spent hours driving up and down the stretch of road in front of their house.

Loki loved driving.

One day when they were finished, Thor got out of the car and slammed the door shut. He was smiling as he looked at Loki.

"What?" Loki asked as he slammed the driver's door shut. He fiddled with the keys self-consciously in one hand.

Thor crossed his arms and leaned against the car's hood. "That's the first time I've seen you smile all week."

Loki grinned. "Only because of the look on your face when I took that corner."

"Hey, don't joke about that. That was seriously scary–"

Loki laughed and headed towards the house.

"Hey," said Thor, and Loki felt a hand close around his wrist. Loki froze. Thor wrapped his arms around Loki in a backwards hug. "I like seeing you happy, brother."

Loki felt something hot run down his spine. One of Thor's hands was splayed flat on his chest. Since when had Thor's hands been so big? "Jane may like it when you're so sentimental, but that doesn't mean you can be like that with the rest of us," Loki said without really knowing what he was saying. He needed to get  _away._ He tried to slip out of Thor's grasp, but it took a second before Thor would let him go. When he did, Loki danced away, a smile already on his face:  _It's all a joke, just a joke._ Thor looked hurt.

"I mean it," said Thor, and Loki laughed at him.

When Loki got to his room, he closed the door behind him and pressed a hand against it to make sure it stayed closed. His face was flushed and his heart rattled in his chest. It was Thor. Thor was his  _brother_.

Loki wanted to scream.

* * *

 

A year later, Thor turned seventeen. Loki was in his room working on homework when his cellphone vibrated.  _Thor,_ it said. He rolled his eyes and answered the phone. "What?"

"Loki?" said a tremulous female voice.

Loki looked again at the caller ID. He returned the phone dubiously to his ear. "Yes?"

"It's Darcy. Jane's sister?"

"Oh," Loki said in relief, but then his stomach sank. "What is it? Has Thor done something?"

"He threw up."

Loki wanted to laugh. "Okay. Do I need to pick him up?"

"Yes please."

"I'll be right there." Loki hung up and grabbed the car keys. "Hey pa," he called, "can I borrow the car? I need to pick up Thor."

Odin appeared in the doorway and looked at Loki. "What happened to the car he borrowed?" Loki shrugged. "Okay," said Odin dubiously.

Loki ran out the door, and the screen door banged close behind him. If Thor had thrown up on the upholstery, Odin was  _not_ going to be pleased.

* * *

 

Jane opened the door. Loki took one look at her face and knew what had happened.

"He got drunk," he said flatly.

"I told them not to," she said immediately, "but they had some beer and he wanted to prove he could do it."

"I'm sure he did," Loki said disgustedly, and he brushed past her into the house. It wasn't difficult to find Thor; he was lying on the couch looking like death, and a glass of water and a half-eaten piece of bread were sitting beside him.

"Oh, Loki," said Jane's father in relief. "He seems to be doing a lot better now. If you get him to bed, he should be okay in the morning." He paused. "Your father isn't coming?"

"Yeah," said Loki. He went over to Thor and poked his arm. "Can you move?"

Thor groaned in response. "Alright," said Loki, and he and Jane's father got him to sit up. Loki put Thor's arm over his shoulders and heaved upwards. Thor stood unsteadily and leaned against him heavily. He  _looked_ nauseous. "When did he throw up?"

"Just a few minutes before Darcy called you."

It had taken Loki nearly twenty minutes to get there. "You'll be alright," Loki told Thor, and they made their slow way out of the house.

"Tell your father I said hi," Jane's father called after them.

"I will," Loki replied. He and Thor made their way to the car, and they had to pause when they reached it for Loki to fumble for the door handle.

"Swear not to tell pa," Thor said with a groan.

"I promise," said Loki. He opened the passenger door and pushed Thor inside.

* * *

 

The next morning, they were back on the road. Thor was leaning against the window with an icepack pressed to his forehead and a hand over his eyes to block out the rising sun.

"I hate you," Thor said conversationally.

"What a coincidence," said Loki.

The minute they had gotten home, Loki had told Odin what had happened. Odin had given Thor a thunderous look that the two of them hand only seen a handful of times, and then he had ordered them to bed without another word. He had woken them up early that morning and told them on no uncertain terms that Loki was going to take Thor back to Jane's house and then Thor was going to  _apologize_. Now, Thor was clearly more than a little hungover and Loki wanted to hit something. It wasn't  _his fault,_ it was Thor's, but that morning, Odin had looked at Loki like he wanted to murder him.

"You know his friends better than we do," Odin had told him as he slammed the car keys into his hand. "You should keep him out of trouble."

"Fuck that," Loki muttered as he pulled into Jane's driveway.

"What?" mumbled Thor.

"Nothing. We're here."

Thor got out of the car and tramped up to the front door. Loki slammed his door shut and followed at a more leisurely pace. Jane's father answered the door promptly.

"I'm very sorry for vomiting on your carpet, Mr. Foster," Thor said seriously. "And for behaving indecently," he added, which Loki sincerely hoped was only a reference to his drunken state. Loki waited at the bottom of the steps.

"It's fine," Jane's father assured Thor. "But thank you for apologizing. It won't happen again, right?"

Thor grinned. "Right. I'll see you around, Mr. Foster."

"Yes, you will. Bye Thor. Bye Loki!" he called over Thor's shoulder. Loki nodded at him. He closed the door. When Thor reached Loki, Loki raised an eyebrow:  _You awake enough to drive?_ Thor made a face and headed towards the car that was still parked forlornly in the corner of the driveway. That was answer enough. Loki got into his car and watched Thor out of the corner of his rearview mirror. Thor looked tired as he got in behind the wheel, but awake enough to drive. Loki started up the car and backed onto the street. As he drove, he kept an eye on Thor following him at a short distance farther down the road.

Thor was almost eighteen. He was supposed to be the adult, the responsible one, but he just looked tired. Loki wanted to press his head against the glass and close his eyes, the way he did when Thor used to take him out driving when Thor first got his license. He wanted Thor to lean on him when he was tired, the way he used to when they were younger. He wanted . . .

Loki tightened his hands on the wheel and kept his gaze firmly on the horizon. Thor was many things, but he was not an idiot. Thor had very firm ideas about what one  _should_ do, but he payed little attention to what one  _shouldn't_ do. It was incomprehensible to him that anyone he knew and loved could ever do anything morally wrong. Sometimes Thor broke laws – he went places he wasn't supposed to, he drank things he wasn't allowed to – but somehow, Thor never thought he was in the wrong. They were just things that people did, and they didn't hurt anyone, so it was fine.

But Loki – Loki did not play by Thor's rules. Every time he lied, he could see that it was like a punch in the gut to Thor. He knew that Thor did not  _want_ to understand that Loki was capable of betrayal and things they had been brought up to believe were wrong, but it was only a matter of time before Thor did understand. And when he did, he would never talk to Loki again.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for this chapter: People in a lot of pain. Specifically, one person in a lot of pain. You'll see it coming. Start reading, and if it bothers you, scroll down to "Yup" and you won't miss much.

It was the the night of Thor's senior prom. Loki could have gone, since he was a junior, but he didn't. When Thor got home a little after midnight, the house was dark. Thor took a deep breath, got out of the car, and slammed the car door shut. It was a hot summer night, and the air weighed heavily on him through his suit. He had told his parents he would be home by 11:30, and hadn't been sure if they would wait up for him. He locked the car and strode down the walkway to their house.

He wouldn't have noticed Loki if he hadn't chosen that moment to move the cigarette away from his mouth, creating a momentary arch in the air with the red embers glowing at the tip. Thor stopped in his tracks. It took a moment, but his eyes adjusted, and he saw that Loki was sitting on their front porch beside the door, watching him. Thor huffed out an irritated breath at having been startled by him, and started walking again. There was something white and rectangular on the porch next to him, and as Thor came closer, he realized that it was an envelope. Thor stopped a step below Loki and gazed at the letter. A muscle in his jaw jumped and his eyes snapped to Loki's. Loki took another drag from his cigarette. "What is that?" Thor asked in a low voice.

"Do ma and pa know?" Loki asked.

"Know what?"

"That you're going to school at Oklahoma State," Loki snapped. "I'm sure they'll be thrilled that you're going to school  _so close to home."_

Thor glared at him. "That letter wasn't yours to read. I haven't heard back from everywhere yet."

"You don't need to," Loki told him. He tapped his cigarette on the edge of the porch and some ash fell to the ground. "You're going there, and our parents won't complain because you got a full ride scholarship."

Thor snatched the letter up from the ground. "So why do you care? You'll be off somewhere in a year anyway."

Loki's eyes glowed softly with the light of his cigarette. "Jane got in." It wasn't a question.

Thor's mouth tightened. "Yes."

"Is there any other reason you want to go to Oklahoma? The athletics? Do they have a good physics program–"

"I want to major in business!" Thor nearly shouted. They were both silent for several long moments. Thor barely dared to breathe. Loki's cigarette was slowly turning to ash between his fingers. When no noise came from the house, Thor let out a frustrated sigh and went up the last step. "I'm going to bed," he said more quietly. The screen door screamed as he opened it, and he winced.

"They went to aunt Eir's for the night because they knew you'd be back late," Loki told him. "You're not going to wake them up."

Thor swore under his breath. He had no idea if Loki was telling the truth or not, and he tried to open the door quietly and close it carefully behind him, but the screen door banged against the wall despite his efforts. He climbed the stairs without bothering to be quiet; either their parents really were out of the house, or Thor had already woken them up.

Thor went to his bedroom and put the acceptance letter on his bedside table. He undressed quickly and changed into his pajamas before going to brush his teeth. When he came out of the bathroom, he saw that the light was on under Loki's door. He hesitated.  _It's not his fault,_ he told himself.  _He just . . . can't accept that he's going to miss you._ Thor walked quietly over to Loki's door and knocked once.

There was a pause, and then, "Come in." Thor opened the door and walked inside.

Loki was perched on his window sill. The cigarette was gone, for which Thor was thankful. Loki had promised he would quit after Frigga found out about the new habit the summer before, but somehow he had never gotten around to it. Frigga knew, and Loki knew that she and Thor hated the smell of smoke, but Loki never smoked inside and Frigga had stopped saying anything about it.

"I'm sorry for yelling at you," Thor said. He walked over to Loki's bed and plopped down on it. Loki looked mildly irritated at that, but he didn't say anything. Even from this distance and in the light of Loki's lamp, Thor could see that Loki had bags under his eyes. He looked tired. After a moment of silence, Thor asked, "Why do you  _really_ not want me to go?"

Loki rested his head against the side of the window frame. The air that wafted inside was cool and sweet. A cricket was chirping outside. "You're making a mistake."

"How?"

"Jane," Loki said.

Thor sighed. "If you spent any time with her–"

"I don't need to know her any better to know she's wrong for you." Loki's eyes flashed. "You two aren't going to last, and you shouldn't be making decisions based on what  _she_ wants."

"Brother–"

"I am  _not_ your brother!"

Hurt flashed across Thor's face. "Don't ever say that again," Thor said quietly. Loki pressed his lips together and looked away. There was a long silence. Thor ran his hand through his hair and sighed. When he pulled his hand away, a strand of his hair stuck up awkwardly. "If this is because you're jealous–"

"This isn't about jealousy!" Loki's leaned awkwardly out the window to reach the pack of cigarettes in his back pocket. His hands shook as he grabbed one between his teeth and lit it.

"Loki," Thor said warningly. He stood and walked over to Loki.

"I can do what I like!" Loki snapped at him, and he yanked the cigarette out of his mouth and held it out of Thor's reach.

"Why do you do this?" Thor demanded. He was very close to Loki, and he could smell the smoke strongly in the air. "You're going to give yourself cancer." Loki brought the cigarette back to his lips in what was clearly a defiant gesture. Just as he drew it away, Thor tried to grab it, but Loki quickly moved it out of his reach. Thor snatched at the cigarette, Loki leaned away from him, and Thor's eyes locked with Loki's just as Loki lost his balance. Thor saw Loki's eyes widen, and then Loki fell out the window.

"Loki!" Thor yelled. He lunged for his hand, but it was too late. Loki hit the cement patio below with a sickening crunch and a strangled cry of anguish. Thor felt his whole world tip sideways. He gripped the white, splintery window sill so hard he wasn't sure he could let go, and he had a momentary, mad urge to follow Loki.

Thor barely remembered pushing himself away from the window, running across the room, and flinging the door open. He took the stairs two at a time and nearly fell in his rush to get outside. He slammed the front door open so hard, it and the screen door both bounced against the side of the house. When he reached the patio, Loki was letting out broken sobs.

"Oh my God," Thor heard himself say, and he knelt down at Loki's side. Loki looked up at him pitifully, his face wet with tears. Loki's body was twisted and broken, and there was blood. A lot of blood.

"Thor," Loki said, and then he let out a noise Thor never wanted to hear him make again. "It hurts so much," he whimpered.

Thor pulled Loki's head into his lap and stroked his hair. "It's okay," he said nonsensically, because it wasn't okay, and it wasn't going to be okay. "I need to call an ambulance. Just – just wait here, and I'll go get my cell from inside."

"No!" Loki's hand sprang out and grabbed Thor's wrist. His fingers dug into Thor's skin. Loki looked up at Thor with absolute terror in his eyes. "Don't leave me.  _Please."_ Loki gasped in a broken breath and tried for a weak smile. "Besides, we can't afford an ambulance."

"Okay, okay," Thor said. He forced himself to look at Loki's body. His legs were a mess, but Thor had no idea how to carry him without touching them. "I need to carry you to the car. This is going to hurt a lot, okay?"

Loki let out a sob that might have been supposed to be a laugh. "No shit."

"I can get you some Advil–"

"No." Loki took a deep breath and seemed to calm down. "Just get me to the hospital."

Thor hesitated, then put his arm under Loki's shoulders. As gently and quickly as he could, he put his other arm under Loki's legs and stood up. Loki buried his head in Thor's shoulder, but it barely muffled his scream.

Carrying Loki to the car was the worst experience of Thor's life. Loki clung to him and screamed in pure agony, and by the time they reached the car Thor was nearly running because he just wanted it to  _stop_. He did not understand how Loki could possibly be in that much pain and not have passed out. When they got to the car, he had to set Loki on the ground so he could unlock the doors and open the one to the backseat. Loki had closed his eyes and was just trying to breathe, but when Thor came to pick him back up, Loki opened his eyes and  _smiled_ at Thor. "This had better be the last time," he said hoarsely.

"Yup," said Thor grimly, and he picked Loki up and put him in the back seat.

It took them about five minutes of driving for the pain to subside enough that Loki stopped groaning. Thor's hands were shaking and he was half sure they were going to crash before they made it to the hospital, but when he looked at Loki in the rearview mirror, Loki looked perfectly calm. He had to be in shock. He was looking out the window from where he was half-propped up, and he seemed to be concentrating on breathing through his nose. A whimper only escaped his lips when they went over a bump or Thor made too sharp a turn. Thor tried to concentrate on driving, but it was so hard to know that Loki was in that much pain and he could do nothing to stop it.

"Would you mind lighting this for me?" Loki asked when they came to a stop at a red light. Thor turned around in his seat and saw that Loki had somehow gotten a cigarette out of the pack in his pocket. He was holding it and his lighter out to Thor, one in each hand. Thor looked at him, and looked at the cigarette, and put his hands over Loki's thin cold ones. He felt the metal of the lighter and the paper of the cigarette press against his skin, but he didn't take them. Thor looked into his eyes, searching for some reassurance that Loki  _was going to be okay,_ and Loki smiled. "I just want one last one."

 _My seventeen-year-old brother thinks he's going to die,_ Thor thought, and he took the cigarette and lighter from Loki with trembling hands.  _Loki thinks he's going to die._ He lit the cigarette on the first try, and then he handed it and the lighter back to him. He turned back to the road to find that the light had turned green and someone was honking at him, and he put the car back in first gear and they started forward.

When he looked in the rearview mirror at Loki again, Loki was smoking the cigarette calmly and looking out the window. The tears had dried on his cheeks, his hair was tangled and bloody, but there was something heartbreakingly beautiful about the way the moonlight caught his expression. Something stuck in Thor's throat. He wanted to tell Loki how much he meant to him – how brave he was – that he was the bravest person he knew, braver than Thor would ever be – but he couldn't speak.  _I love you,_ he thought as he looked at Loki. Loki shifted slightly and rested his head against the headrest. A strand of hair fell across his neck.

That was when it struck Thor.  _I'm in love with you,_ he thought.  _You can't die._

Thor quickly looked back at the road and he had to jerk the car away from where he had been about to drive off the line. He wiped his eyes so that he could see the road properly. The hospital was over fifteen minutes away from their house, and they had a long way to go.


	4. Chapter 4

That summer, Thor spent as much time with Loki as he could. He hardly went out with Jane at all, but he and Loki never talked about it. Loki spent a lot of the time on the couch complaining that he was too hot or too cold or too thirsty while the rest of the family went in and out of the house. Thor was the only one who reliably never got irritated with him, and for that, everyone was silently grateful.

Loki had been home for only a few days when he had a reaction to his new pain medication. Thor smoothed his hair back while he vomited into the toilet. Thor wordlessly filled a glass of water and rubbed circles into his back as he handed it to him. He hated it, on some level, that he had had more physical contact with Loki in the past week than he had in the last few years. He hated it that these were the moments he was going to treasure when he left home. "I'm sorry," Thor told him while Loki swished the water around in his mouth.

Loki spat and looked blankly forward. "Don't be," he said. His voice was slightly hoarse, and when Thor looked at him, he didn't look sad or in pain; he just looked tired. "You don't have to do this."

"I do," said Thor, and he kept rubbing circles into Loki's back. "You're my brother."

"Loki?" called Frigga, and a moment later she had run up the stairs and was leaning over Loki. "Oh, darling. Let's get you back to bed. I'll make you some chicken soup and call the doctor to get you a new prescription."

"Thanks, ma," said Loki.

Thor moved aside and Frigga gripped the handles on the wheelchair. She wheeled Loki into his bedroom. It took both her and Thor to get Loki back in bed. She sat on the edge of Loki's bed and smoothed back his hair. Loki looked up at her with strangely bright eyes. "Thor," she said without looking up, "Will you go get me that bowl? It should be downstairs under the sink."

When Thor was gone, Frigga took Loki's hand in her own and looked at him sadly. "Loki."

"What?" he asked defiantly.

"I'm your mother," she told him quietly as she stroked his hand. "You don't have to be strong for me."

Loki swallowed, and swallowed again. His mouth curved down in sad line. She hugged him, and he made a noise that might have been a cough or a sob.

When Thor's heavy footstep sounded on the first step, Frigga released her son. Loki quickly wiped away the wetness from his face and Frigga handed him a tissue. By the time Thor reached the room looking concerned, Loki was lying with his head turned to one side and his eyes closed. Frigga took the bowl from Thor and placed it beside the bed, and then they quietly left the room.

After the door had closed and the sound of their footsteps, accompanied by Thor's worried tones and his mother's soothing ones, had receded, Loki clenched the sheets in his fists and cried quietly into his pillow. Eventually, his tears dried and he stared blankly at the wall. "Thor," he whispered, because that was really all there was to say.

* * *

On a rare evening when Thor felt like he could be out of the house, he met Jane at her house and they took a walk. The weeds growing on the side of the road were dead and dry, and the strip of dirt between the weeds and the road turned to dust under their feet. Jane was looking at the stars as they walked.

"I know this sounds bad," she said, "but I hope we get to see a tornado while we're at school. Not the little dinky ones we get down here, but a serious one."

"It doesn't sound too bad," Thor told her. He took her hand and threaded their fingers together. "But if I didn't know better, I'd think you  _wanted_ to be on one of those crazy storm chaser shows."

She laughed. "I  _do,_ Thor. Maybe not the show bit, but can you imagine seeing one up close? Following its path? Maybe developing better early warning systems?"

"Not dying?"

"Hey!" she cried, but she was smiling. "I would be safe. Oh, speaking of, can I come over to dinner at some point? I want to thank Frigga for that scarf she got me. That was so nice of her."

He smiled at her. "Sure! Um."

She looked at him. "What?" He chewed on his lip. "Loki? Really? He's still not feeling well?"

"No, he's fine." Thor hesitated. "I just think . . ."

Jane stopped walking and took Thor's other hand in her own. "Thor. What is it?" When he said nothing, she squeezed both his hands. "You never really tell me how he's doing. Are you ever going to tell me how he fell out of that window?" she asked softly.

Thor shook his head. "I don't want to talk about it," he said in a low voice.

She made a quiet noise. "Is that why you've been spending so much time with him? Do you think it was your fault?"

"No!" Thor frowned. "I'm not taking care of him out of guilt."

"Then why don't you want me to come over for dinner? I know he's never like me, but I could bring Darcy. You know they both have that sarcastic streak–"

"I feel like this is the last summer I'm going to get with him." He smiled sadly. "He's my little brother. You can understand that, can't you?"

Jane's expression cleared and she smiled in response. "Yes. Though I think if I spent that much time with Darcy, we'd kill each other."

Thor laughed and kissed her on the forehead. "Oh, don't worry. I'm expecting an assassination attempt before the month is out."

Jane let go of his hands with a roll of her eyes. "You're right. We should probably keep him and Darcy separated. Who knows what they'd come up with."

Thor chuckled and put his arm around her waist. They started walking again into the deepening dusk.

* * *

One night after a particularly humid and boring day at home, Thor made a bowl of popcorn and proclaimed a movie night. By the time the popcorn had been reduced to only a few stubborn kernels and their parents had gone up to bed, Thor and Loki were on their second movie of the evening:  _Die Hard._ Loki was leaning against one arm of the couch with his feet propped up on Thor's lap, and Thor had rested one hand on the cast that covered Loki's calf and ankle. Loki was watching the movie with interest, but Thor's gaze kept drifting back to Loki. Thor unconsciously ran his hand across Loki's ankle, even though Loki wouldn't be able to feel it through the bandages and the plaster.

There was the sound of breaking glass, and Thor looked up at the screen to see John McClane wincing in pain. There was a lot of blood, and Thor squeezed Loki's ankle tightly. When he looked back at Loki, Loki was watching impassively as McClane began to limp away with glass buried in his foot.

"Doesn't that bother you?" Thor asked.

"Why would it?" said Loki without looking away from the screen. "I fell from a second-story window. I imagine that walking on glass feels a whole lot nicer."

"Loki . . ."

Loki looked at him. "It happened, I'm over it. Stop freaking out about it, Thor." He turned his leg sideways to knock Thor in the chest with his foot. Thor curled his fingers over Loki's cold toes and absently rubbed them.

"I just wish you wouldn't act like it was nothing," Thor said quietly.

Loki shrugged and turned back to the movie. "Well, both of us can't be drama queens."

Thor chuckled. He moved his hand back to the safety of Loki's unfeeling ankle. "I guess I need to stop complaining about the heat all the time, then."

Loki tried to smack him on the shoulder, but Thor ducked out of the way easily with a hearty laugh. He didn't feel  _that_ sorry for his brother.

They watched the rest of the movie in contented silence. When it was finally over, Thor picked up the remote from where he had it balanced on Loki's knee and turned off the TV. He opened his mouth to ask Loki what he had thought, but then he saw that Loki's eyelids were drooping. Thor smiled. "Want me to carry you up to bed?"

Loki was too tired to do more than nod. Thor gently lifted Loki's feet off his lap, stood, and scooped him up in his arms. Loki's head lolled against his shoulder and his breath tickled Thor's throat. Loki felt like he weighed half a ton, but it was worth it to feel him so relaxed in his arms, like Thor was the only one in the world who could protect him.

"Ma and pa won't carry you, you know," Thor told him as he began his slow ascent of the stairs.

"I know," Loki murmured. "But I'll be able to walk by the time you leave for school." He yawned widely, and Thor tried to repress an answering yawn unsuccessfully. "Don't make me sleep on the couch."

"I won't." When Loki had first gotten home from the hospital, their parents had offered to move his mattress downstairs while he was recovering, but Loki had vetoed the offer immediately. Despite the trauma he likely associated with his room, he clung to the familiar space, and Thor would certainly not deny him that.

Thor reached the top of the stairs. "Open the door?" he murmured into Loki's hair. Thor quickly moved his head away; he had most certainly not just pressed a kiss to the top of Loki's head.

If Loki was thinking the same, he didn't give any sign of it. He reached out a hand and grabbed the doorknob to his room, but it took him two tries to open it. When he had finally opened the door, Loki let his head fall back on Thor's shoulder with a quiet sigh. "It's just the painkillers that are making me so tired," he told Thor.

"I'm sure," said Thor amusedly as he walked into the room sideways, opening the door the rest of the way with his shoulder as he did so.

"Mmm," said Loki, and that was how Thor knew that Loki was legitimately exhausted. Thor set Loki down on one side of the bed before pulling the covers back on the other side. When he went back to pick up Loki again, Loki had turned his face sideways to bury it in the pillow, and he did not look like he wanted to move. Thor smiled and picked him up anyway. He tucked him in without getting his pajamas out for him, because Loki did not look awake enough to handle changing his clothes.

When the blankets had been arranged around Loki the way Loki liked them, Thor paused and looked down at Loki. Loki had closed his eyes and he already looked asleep. Without thinking about it, Thor leaned over and kissed him gently on the forehead. "Goodnight, brother."

"M'night, Thor," Loki mumbled without opening his eyes. Thor smiled, turned off the light, and left the room, closing the door behind him as he did so.

* * *

The storm that had been rolling in all afternoon broke around three in the morning. Thor was woken by a loud boom of thunder. He frowned slightly and rolled over with the intention of falling back asleep. A bright flash of light burned through his eyelids, and another rolling boom followed almost immediately after.

Loki.

Thor sat up and threw off the covers. The floor was cold on his bare feet as he walked to his door and slipped out of his room. There were no lights on and the house was absolutely silent as though everyone was sound asleep, but he knew better.

Thor pushed open the door to Loki's room gently. Loki was lying rigidly on his back. Thor paused at the door, waiting to see if Loki had somehow managed to sleep through it. When there was another flash of lightning, Thor saw that Loki was looking at him. Thor wordlessly pulled back the covers and crawled into bed beside him.

"I hate having to sleep on my back," Loki whispered. There was another flash of light, and Thor's chest ached at the expression on Loki's face.

"I know," Thor murmured back. He rested on his side facing Loki, but he kept a safe distance away so they wouldn't accidentally touch. He wanted to reach out to Loki and brush his hair out of his face, let him know that Thor was there, but he didn't dare. Loki rejected Thor's touch more and more often now, and Thor didn't want to push him to the point where he would kick Thor out of his room entirely. Loki was proud, but Thor could tell from how tense he was that he was terrified. Thor wanted to tell him,  _You could have called for me,_ but he didn't want to hear Loki say that he didn't need Thor. He hated it when Loki lied to him.

Thor was just drifting off to sleep when there was another bright flash of light. A cold hand found his and held on to it. Thor remembered a time when that hand had been small, but it had still held onto his so tightly. Thor squeezed it gently and soon fell asleep.

* * *

Thor was woken the next morning by someone poking him repeatedly in the shoulder. "What?" he grunted. He opened his eyes to find Loki looking at him haughtily.

"I need to pee."

Thor closed his eyes and buried his face in his corner of Loki's pillow. "Nn' minute."

"No, now." Loki pushed him this time, hard.

Thor lifted his face out of the pillow. "Are you going to be like this when you're old?" he groaned.

"Are you planning on being there when I am? Help me get to the bathroom." Thor's head plopped back onto the pillow. "Thor." No response. " _Thor."_

"Ow!" Thor jolted upright. He snatched Loki's hand and yanked it away from his stomach. "How are your hands so  _cold?"_

Loki grinned maliciously. "Are you awake?"

Thor mumbled something unintelligible and got out of bed. He walked around to Loki's side and threw back Loki's covers. Loki dutifully put his arms around Thor's neck. Thor put an arm on his back and another under his legs and lifted him into his wheelchair. "You do this yourself all the time," Thor huffed into Loki's shoulder before he let go. "Demanding little brother."

"Lazy asshole of a brother," Loki retorted. "Besides, I smell pancakes. Get downstairs fast and they might still be hot."

Loki was right. Thor rubbed his eyes and sighed. "Fine, you win."

"Ha," Loki said over his shoulder as he wheeled himself towards the door. "Don't forget to come back to help me down the stairs." Thor grinned at Loki's back. Loki really was a little shit most of the time, but at least it made it easy to tell when he was in a good mood.

Loki was in a good mood. Huh. Thor smiled and took the stairs two at a time. "Ma?" he called. "Do I smell pancakes?"

* * *

_I'll always be here,_ Thor had said.

 _You had better be,_ Loki had replied with a smile.

Loki was still in a wheelchair when Thor left for college. He watched solemnly from the front porch as Thor waved, got into the car with Jane, and drove away.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had intended the last chapter to be a nice little transition chapter, but I take it that it was a little sadder than I had intended. (I got everything from "this was sad" to "saddest Thorki fic I've ever read." Oops.) Things should be more upbeat from here on out!

High school had never been Loki's favorite part of his school career. When he looked back on his senior year, it existed almost entirely in his memory as a void. Learning how to walk again was frustrating and excruciating all on its own, but he gritted his teeth and took each slow step through the school halls.

Thor's life had never fit well into numbers; he impressed people with who he was outside of school—his personality, his conviction of what was right, his extracurricular activities. The year before, Loki had looked at the pieces of paper proclaiming his nearly 4.0 GPA and his 2300 SAT score with the same blank look he gave to all his grades. Now he wanted to rip them to shreds.

Ridiculously, the day Thor came home for Winter Break, Loki was still in school. He had known when Thor's flight was, and he had known that he wouldn't be able to meet Thor at the airport, but somehow, it seemed like any other Thursday. When Loki walked in the door, Thor was sitting at the dining room table with his back to the door. Loki stopped, halfway through slipping his bag off his shoulder, and stared. At the slam of the door, Thor looked over his shoulder, his mouth full of food. He grinned. "Hey, brother," he said around the mouthful. "How're ya doing?" When Loki simply stared, Thor looked a little alarmed. He swallowed his food and turned all the way around in the chair. "When did you slick back your hair?" he blurted.

Loki smiled and set down his school bag. "It's good to see you." Before he knew it, Thor had stood up and enveloped him in a hug. Thor smelled like aftershave and sweat, but Loki took a deep breath and relished in the feeling of holding Thor close. Loki's chin almost didn't fit neatly over Thor's shoulder now. Thor had grown.

* * *

A month was a surprisingly long time, and by the time Thor only had a week left before he went back to school, he was driving even Loki crazy.

"Thor," Loki yelled from the dining room, where he was trying to write an essay for a college application that was due in two days (though he had classified it as "homework" when Thor had asked). "Will you turn it off?"

"You sound like ma," Thor called back from the living room. He turned down the volume on the TV by what sounded like one notch. "Better?"

"No!"

"Go study in your room or something."

"Stop yelling," Odin bellowed from his study. Loki and Thor were obligingly quiet for a few minutes. Thor turned the TV back up to its previous volume.

" _Thor."_

"Both of you, go to your rooms," Odin said, and Thor guiltily turned off the TV. Loki snapped his laptop shut and made for the stairs. Thor beat him there, and he caught Loki's eye.  _Sorry,_ said Thor's expression. Loki looked away and followed him up the stairs.

At the top, Loki immediately turned towards his room, but Thor hesitated. "Do you mind if I come in?"

"As long as you're quiet." Loki went into his room without looking back, but he heard Thor's surprisingly soft footfalls follow him inside. Loki settled himself at his desk and Thor stood awkwardly near one wall, looking at the posters Loki had hung up. They were mostly of bands Thor had never heard of, but mixed in were some photographs of landscapes—a frozen waterfall, a stream in a sparse forest dusted with pale green, a grassland framed by mountains against a bare grey sky.

"What are these?"

"Hm?" Loki glanced up and then looked back at his computer. "Photographs. Ma had some old calendars she was getting rid of."

Thor was quiet for a moment as he eyed them curiously. There was a little photograph of a snake about to strike hidden between a couple of posters, and he plucked it off the wall and looked at it. "But why did you pick these ones? Do you like stuff like this?" When he looked up, Loki was looking at him with an unreadable expression.

"The world isn't confined to Alabama, you know."

"Well, yeah," said Thor uncomfortably, "but these places are all so . . . cold. Don't you at least want to travel somewhere warm?"

Loki looked back to his essay, but he didn't type anything. "I'm not necessarily going to travel to any of them. It's just nice knowing that they're there."

Thor frowned, but he didn't press Loki further. He carefully pinned the picture of the snake back into place. He opened the door and left Loki alone with his essay.

* * *

Thor loved Alabama. He didn't love it the way most people did, who loved it just because they lived there; Thor loved it because he lived and breathed it. He had never expressed this to Loki or to anyone else, but Loki had always known it anyway. Something in him glowed when he was outside, barefoot, playing a game with his friends that was like football but that had no rules. Even when the humidity got so bad they could do nothing but sit on the porch, praying for a breeze that didn't stick to them and soak them with sweat, Thor would smile out at the horizon.

Sometimes Loki would watch him, and he would wonder if it was in Thor's blood. Loki didn't love Alabama; he loved the home he had there. As he grew older, he felt something drawing him away to someplace new.

* * *

Loki went to the airport to see Thor off. Jane met them there, and after Thor had given Loki a pat on the back and everyone had said goodbye, Thor and Jane went off to go through security together. It was the first time Loki had seen Jane the entire break. When Loki got home, he finished his last college application and sent it off.

Loki had applied exclusively to schools on the East Coast. He got into all of them.

* * *

One afternoon a few months later, when Thor made his weekly phone call home, Frigga poked her head out of the kitchen. "Do you want to talk to your brother?" she called into the living room, where Loki was curled up on the couch with Tolstoy's  _War and Peace._

Loki rolled his eyes. "No, ma."

Frigga returned to the phone to confer with her eldest son. "Yes, I agree," she said into the receiver. "He's probably just being sarcastic."

Before Loki could open his mouth to protest, the phone was thrust into his hands. He looked at it with displeasure. "Talk to him," Frigga whispered. "You two haven't exchanged a word for months." This wasn't strictly true; Thor had been sending Loki email updates about all the exciting things he was doing at school and Loki had replied to a few of them. She disappeared before Loki could demand she take the phone back, so with a sigh of exasperation, he raised it to his ear.

"Hello?"

"Hey! How are you doing? Have you heard back from any colleges yet? What have you been reading? Wait," Thor said when Loki opened his mouth to protest, "let me guess. You're sitting on the couch reading a book right now."

Loki tucked a finger into the book to mark his place and closed it. "Don't be an idiot. I can't read and talk to you at the same time."

"So, tell me! I keep asking ma about where you're going to school, and she won't say anything."

Loki glanced at the table where his mother had insisted he put all the envelopes containing his acceptance letters so that she could read them all. "I haven't heard back from everywhere yet."

"But you've heard back from some of them, right?"

"Oh, just my last choices," he lied. "Did you win your game last weekend?"

Thor didn't seem to notice that Loki had changed the subject intentionally. Thor babbled about football and school for a while, and then Loki gave the phone to Odin for Thor's weekly gruff, "Hey son. How are you?" When the phone had been removed from his grasp, Loki tucked his legs under him and pulled over the acceptance letter from Yale. One of the pictures in the pamphlet was of a beautiful snowy day. Loki had told his parents he wanted to hear back from everywhere before he decided, but he didn't need to.

The couch dipped as Frigga sat down next to Loki. "You don't want to tell your brother about where you're thinking of going?" she asked him quietly.

"He'll find out over the summer," Loki replied without looking up.

"He didn't tell you when he got accepted to Oklahoma State, did he?" Loki shook his head. "But don't you think you at least owe him the courtesy of not doing the same thing?"

"No," said Loki. "This is my decision."

He accepted his place at Yale the next afternoon.

* * *

When Thor came home for the summer, Loki and their parents met him at the airport. "Why didn't you tell me you'd been accepted to Yale?" Thor exclaimed. "Pa told me yesterday!"

Loki was hurt at that, but forced a smile. "I wanted it to be a surprise."

Thor laughed. "It was! It's going to be crazy, you on the East Coast. What is the world coming to, huh?"

Loki smiled and looked over Thor's shoulder. "Where's Jane?" Thor was unusually quiet, and Loki looked back at him searchingly. Thor wouldn't meet his eyes.

"It didn't work out."

"I'm sorry to hear that," Frigga said, and she hugged Thor comfortingly. Loki looked at the ground and wasn't sure why he felt quite so awful. He had never hated Jane, but he had never liked her, and some part of him had expected that she and Thor would never break up. He would not miss her—but Thor clearly did. After a few minutes, Thor cheered up, and Loki did too. Loki pushed the matter to the back of his mind. For some reason, he didn't want to think too hard about why.

* * *

Thor had a job at the local pizza place and Loki got a job at the library, so Loki expected that they would barely see each other. In fact, they saw each other often; Thor spent a lot of time at home, and Loki had not managed to magically make any friends while he had been away. It felt normal, to come home to Thor sitting on the couch, or to be there when Thor walked in the door smelling like basil and tomatoes.

Frigga, they both knew, was beside herself with happiness to have both of them home. Sometimes Thor and Loki would give each other knowing looks; neither of them was sure how she was going to handle having both of her boys gone, but she wasn't doing a very good job of preparing for it. She had taken to cooking twice as much for each meal as they needed, although Thor tried valiantly to eat as much of it as possible. Odin, on the other hand, had taken the approach that Thor and Loki should be useful and help out around the house as much as they could before they left.

Loki was woken up one morning by a loud banging over his head. He buried his face under his pillow and groaned, but it didn't stop. Finally, he sat bolt upright and glared at the ceiling. He tossed off his covers, stalked over to the window, yanked open the shutters (wincing at the bright sunlight in the process), and stuck his head out. "What the hell are you doing?"

The banging stopped. "Baby brother?" said Thor's voice.

Loki scowled. The day that nickname died forever would be a day he would rejoice. "No. It's Loki."

Thor's smiling face appeared over the edge of the roof. "Rise and shine."

" _You_ are welcome to be awake if you like, but  _I_ am going back to bed."

"You can try," Thor said with a chuckle. He wiped the sweat off his forehead and Loki abruptly realized that Thor had his hair pulled back in a ponytail and was wearing a tank top that was soaked with sweat. Thor had not stopped growing, and he had not stopped working out.

Loki swallowed and determinedly pushed his thoughts aside. "I suppose it's entirely necessary to be doing this now?" he demanded.

"The day is young," Thor said, and Loki was 90% sure that college had made Thor  _worse._

"Exactly. You can do this later."

"Do you want me to die of heatstroke?" Thor was laughing at him now. Loki scowled and slammed the window shut. "You're already awake!" Thor called through the glass, though Loki tried to ignore him. "You could join me!"

Loki looked at his bed, which suddenly seemed unappealing with the knowledge that a hot and sweaty Thor was working just above it. "Not a chance," Loki shouted back as he yanked open a drawer and pulled out some clothes. Thor's muffled laugher followed him out of the room, and Loki could swear that Thor moved his roof-repair operation to the part of the roof over the shower just to annoy him.

* * *

When Loki got downstairs, he found his mother making French toast. Odin was sitting at the table reading a newspaper with the remains of his breakfast in front of him. He didn't even look up when Loki walked into the room. Frigga, though, looked over her shoulder and smiled at Loki. "Would you take these out to your brother?" she asked, nudging a plate piled high with finished French toast next to her on the counter. Loki just looked at her, but she raised her eyebrow, and with a roll of his eyes, he gave in. He grabbed it off the counter and headed for the back door.

From the distant banging, it sounded like Thor had moved to the other side of the house, so Loki circled around the house cautiously. He turned a corner and found himself suddenly faced with a ladder, but no Thor in sight. Without a second thought, he shifted the plate to one hand and climbed up the ladder. He got to a few rungs from the top and peered out at the roof. Thor was hammering away several yards away, and his back was to Loki. Loki smiled, climbed the rest of the way up, and settled down on the roof to wait.

It took Thor a few minutes to finish putting the shingle into place before he sat back on his heels, wiped the sweat off his forehead, and looked around. He saw Loki siting calmly a feet away and did a double-take. "Hey," he said, and then he caught sight of the plate of French toast sitting innocently next to Loki.

"Ah-ah," said Loki, holding the plate to one side as Thor lunged for it. "What do you say?"

Thor paused and eyed him. "Please?" Loki smiled and didn't move an inch. Thor turned his gaze to the sky in what was almost an eye-roll. "You're not still upset that I woke you up, are you?"

"What do you think?"

Thor took another step towards Loki and knelt down in front of him. He looked earnestly into Loki's eyes. "I'm sorry."

Loki's smile curled into a smirk. "Not good enough," he said. "Now give us a kiss."

Thor snorted in disbelief, and Loki began to laugh, but then Thor leaned forward and planted a kiss to Loki's forehead. His stubble scratched Loki's skin, and his lips were warm and soft. Loki stopped laughing, and for a moment, he forgot to breathe. Then Thor pulled away, grinning, and he had the plate of French toast in his hand. "Ha," he said, and stood up so the food was out of Loki's reach. He grabbed a slice and took a bite out of it with an appreciative moan.

"Hey," Loki complained with a frown. Thor grinned around the food and tossed him a slice. Loki caught it and made a face; it was covered in maple syrup.

"Thanks," said Thor. He turned his back on Loki and returned to work, humming happily around the toast in his mouth.

With Thor's back turned to him, Loki let his frustrated expression fall. His face burned, and the bright sunlight just made it feel worse. Still holding the toast, he made his way back down the ladder and inside.

"Did he like it?" Frigga asked.

"Yeah," said Loki, and he took his breakfast up to his room.

* * *

During his free time, Loki packed up nearly everything he owned. Frigga tried to get Thor to help Loki figure out what to take to school, but Thor just looked at Loki and said, "Clothes. Maybe some pencils," and when Frigga raised her eyes heavenwards in exasperation, Thor and Loki grinned at each other.

"You'll do fine," Thor told him. "You'll like college. You'll like it a lot."

What Loki didn't plan to take to school, he put in the attic. This was going to be a new beginning.


	6. Chapter 6

The night before Loki left for college was hot and humid. It was getting late, but no one was asleep; cracks of light shone under the doors leading to Thor's room and their parents' room, and Loki sat cross-legged on his own bed. He was not packing, and he was not looking around his room for things he might have missed; he was looking out the window.

Loki and Thor had lived in this house all their lives, and they knew all the floorboards that creaked and every hum of the water heater. Despite his efforts, Loki had never quite managed to teach Thor how to tread silently across the hallway, so it was a surprise to him when the floorboard outside his door suddenly let out a shriek. He whipped his head around and saw Thor standing there guiltily. "I was just wondering if you had gone to bed yet," Thor said, and Loki realized that he had forgotten to turn on the light in his room. It had gotten very dark, and Loki could only just see Thor's expression.

"Not yet."

Thor put his hands in his pockets and leaned against the doorframe. "We're all going to miss you." Loki looked away, back out the window. " _I'm_ going to miss you."

"You don't need to tell me this." Something hard had settled in Loki's throat. He heard Thor sigh and shift his weight.

"Look, this is going to sound silly, but I want you to write to me, okay? Not emails, because you never respond."

"I do," Loki protested.

Thor let out a huff of laughter. "You take way too long to reply, then. Here's my address at school." Thor stepped forward and pressed something to Loki's knee. Loki looked down and saw it was a sticky note with something scribbled on it. "You write me, okay? I'm not going to start this thing if you don't give a shit." He reached out a hand and ruffled Loki's hair. "Sleep well, baby brother."

Loki listened to his footsteps recede and picked up the little square of paper. He couldn't read it in the dark.  _You can't just give me something in your chicken scratch, Thor,_ he wanted to call after him,  _because I'm not convinced I could read this in broad daylight._  But his throat had closed up entirely.

He went to his desk and lay the sticky note next to the other things he needed to not forget the next day: his pre-printed boarding pass, his wallet, his toothpaste to remind him to pack his toothbrush (as if he would forget it). He had packed everything three days in advance and had been living out of one of suitcases since then. Loki was more than prepared to leave. But there was a part of him that dreaded the next day so much he could barely stand it, and he when he went to bed, he lay awake staring at the ceiling for far too long.

* * *

Loki was woken the next morning by the shrieking of his alarm. His flight was early in the morning, but the whole house was already awake. He hurriedly showered and dressed, and when he came downstairs, he found that his breakfast was already on the table. Thor patted him on the shoulder and then disappeared upstairs. Odin seemed to think they needed to get the airport two hours early (an overestimate in Loki's opinion if he had ever heard one), so Loki wolfed down his food while his mother ran him through a checklist of the things he needed. Loki was almost done with breakfast when Thor reappeared, one of Loki's bags slung over his shoulder and the other one in his hand.

"Are these ready to go in the car?" Thor asked, and Loki could only nod before his plate was whisked away from him. Odin went to help Thor put Loki's belongings into the car as efficiently as possible, and Frigga and Loki were left alone. Loki simply sat at the table for a minute and looked around the kitchen, looking at the little things, like the toaster. He stood and turned to follow Thor, but Frigga put a gentle hand on his shoulder and stopped him. He looked quizzically at her. There was something small in her hand.

"I thought you might like to take this with you."

It was a picture frame, and Loki took it automatically. His own face and Thor's smiled back at him. A few freckles on Thor's nose stood out prominently, and he had his arm thrown around Loki's neck."Do you remember when you burned yourself making pumpkin pie? I got you two to pose for me after you had eaten half of that pie." She chuckled softly. "It had so much cinnamon in it. Was that you?"

"It was Thor," Loki replied absently.

Frigga pulled Loki into a hug. "I love you," she said into his shoulder. He was taller than she was, though he hadn't quite realized by how much.

"Love you too, ma," he said, and he gave her a one-armed hug in return.

"We're going to be late!" bellowed Odin from the car.

Frigga and Loki pulled apart. Frigga was smiling. Without thinking about it, Loki tucked the photograph into his backpack. "Remember," she told him, "you can always come home."

* * *

When Loki arrived at Yale, he took in a deep breath of fresh air and smiled. It was sunny and cool and the lawns were neatly trimmed. He checked into his dorm and unpacked a little, and he found the photograph of him and Thor when they were younger. He hesitated, and then put it face down in the top drawer of his desk. His roommate was a sophomore, so he would not arrive on campus until after the first week of new student orientation and Loki had the room all to himself, but Loki suddenly felt very protective of Thor. No one here know who Thor was, and he wanted it to stay that way. His fingertips brushed the back of the frame briefly, and then he closed the drawer. He left his room and wandered around campus.

It didn't take long for him to find a library. He decided he liked it there.

The activities for new students bored him and reminded him that he knew no one, so he often escaped to the library and buried himself under books until he lost track of time. The week passed slowly, but it ended with the commencement ceremony, and that left him with a certain light in his eyes. The memory of his class sitting outside on the field in rows and rows of chairs, the smell of freshly cut grass around them, and their voices rising as they sang the alma mater for the first time settled deep into his heart alongside the memories of his childhood.

The day before classes started, Loki walked into his room and found someone making the previously empty bed with dark blue sheets. The man looked up and met Loki's gaze with shockingly golden hazel eyes. "Hello," he said, and his voice was comforting and deep.

Loki blinked before he remembered himself. "You must be Heimdall. I'm Loki."

"Yes." Heimdall returned to the task of making his bed, but it didn't feel like he was ignoring him.

Loki crossed the room to his desk and draped his coat over the back of his chair. He sat down at his desk and turned on his laptop with the intention of checking how things were in the various forums he frequented. While his laptop hummed to life, he half turned around in his chair to watch Heimdall. He bit his lip; he wasn't used to people who didn't fill the silence with their words. "Did you have a long trip?" he finally asked.

"Yes. I came from Louisiana."

"New Orleans?" Loki hazarded. He had already known Heimdall's home state from the two lines of information they had been given about each other, but there hadn't been any more details.

Loki was fairly certain he saw Heimdall's lips curl into a brief smile as he smoothed out the top sheet and started putting the comforter in its cover. "No. You haven't heard of it."

Loki got a good look at Heimdall's comforter and saw that it was scattered with stars that filled out the form of the Milky Way. Loki looked at Heimdall's side of the room more closely and realized that the poster on the wall that he had thought was some kind of chart was a star map. "Are you an astronomy major?" Loki asked, momentarily forgetting his shyness.

"Minor," he said. He seemed to have finally deemed his bed satisfactory, for he stepped away from it and opened the suitcase on the floor. "Philosophy major." He glanced at Loki as he began to unpack his clothes. "Have you decided on a major yet?"

Loki turned around the rest of the way and rested an arm on the back of his chair. "No, not yet. I'm considering taking a philosophy class, though. Are the professors good?"

"Most of them," Heimdall said. "I recommend Professor Huginn for the upper-level classes. Professor Muninn gives a better introduction."

"Ah. I'll keep that in mind."

Heimdall nodded and pulled out a desk lamp. While he rearranged his side of the room to get at the plug behind his desk, Loki turned back to his laptop. He opened up his email and rolled his eyes—Frigga wanted to know how his first week was going. He typed  _Good_ and sent his reply. He briefly thought of sending Thor an email, but remembered that Thor hadn't seemed thrilled with Loki's previous emails, so he didn't.

Though Heimdall and Loki did not ever learn very much about each other, that first, short conversation solidified an understanding between them; neither of them had much to say, and that was perfectly fine with both of them.

* * *

Loki had decided to take beginning Greek for the hell of it, even though the only period that fit into his schedule was at 8am; he could always drop it if he wanted to. But he liked it, so he stuck with it. That was how he met Sif.

On the third day of class, a girl sat down next to him. She had a lot of purses and scarves to manage, so when he looked up, she was bending over and he got an eyeful of . . . well. She was wearing a miniskirt over tights, and her brown hair was done up in a no-nonsense ponytail. Loki didn't know what to make of her. He stared.

She noticed and returned his gaze curiously. "I just transferred into this class from the other period," she said. "I didn't have time to figure out who's teaching it. Is it Professor . . . Freya?"

"Yes," he said, and he realized with a sense of profound surprise that she was actually trying to be nice to him. "You had Freyr, then?"

She smiled grimly. "Yup. What an arrogant asshole. I'm glad to be out of that class."

"Really? I heard he's good."

"You'd think it would be difficult to come across as sexist on the first day in a language class, but he managed it."

"Ah." Loki eyed her warily. Was she just talking to him out of politeness?

"Γεια σας," said their teacher in greeting, and Loki decided to not worry about it for now. It was likely that she would find someone else to sit with.

She didn't. Soon, Loki realized he had made a friend.

* * *

Thor sat in his room, chewing on a fingernail as he stared at his cellphone on his desk. He knew how their mother was—she had probably called Loki twice in the past few days, just because—but Loki had been at school for twice as long as Thor and still hadn't contacted him. Loki wouldn't like to be bothered, but . . .

"Is something the matter?"

Thor turned around in his chair and looked at Steve, his roommate. Steve was looking at him with genuine concern. He and Thor had met through a mutual friend the year before, and the first thing that struck anyone who met Steve was how earnest he was. He just seemed like the sort of person you asked for advice. Still, Thor hesitated. Steve knew Loki only as Thor's faceless brother he mentioned from time to time, and Thor had never been very good at making people see Loki like he did. "Do you think Loki would mind if I called him?"

Steve frowned slightly. "I don't know. How long has he been at school?"

"Two weeks. A week of real classes, I guess."

Steve raised his eyebrows slightly. "He hasn't talked to you at all? Yeah, I'd call him."

Thor let out a breath. "Okay." He turned back to his desk. "Okay." He picked up his cellphone and hit Loki's name before he could think about it. The phone rang a few times and then Loki picked up.

"What's up?" said Loki, and Thor could have sworn that he yawned on purpose.

"Nothing much. How's school going?" Thor asked. His voice came out gruff and he coughed into his fist. He winced; how had he managed to sound like their father just then?

"Fine."

Thor picked up a pen and clicked it experimentally. "Yeah? Have you visited the library yet?"

Loki laughed. "I basically  _live_ in the library. Why did you call?"

Loki had forgotten. Thor had asked him to write, and he had forgotten. Thor coughed into his fist again. "Ma said you'd, uh, call and you never did. I was wondering what your roommate's like."

"Oh," said Loki, sounding faintly surprised. "He's cool. He's quiet. He put up a bunch of star charts on his wall. He's a sophomore, so he knows a lot about the school. I like him," Loki added as an afterthought.

"Good," Thor said lamely. Calling had been a bad idea. He should have texted Loki. He closed his eyes and pressed a hand to his forehead. "So you're not homesick?"

"No. I've been too busy."

"Okay. I should get going, so I'll talk to you later." Steve gave Thor a strange look, but Thor ignored him.

"Right. Goodbye," said Loki, and he hung up.

There had been something strangely hesitant in Thor's voice, but Loki didn't know what to make of it. He stared at his cellphone for a moment. Had Thor really expected that Loki would write to him? But surely not. Loki absently pushed his cellphone to a far corner of his desk and turned back to his homework.

* * *

As Loki's first impression of him had indicated, Heimdall was quiet and kept to himself. Sometimes Loki would come back to the room frowning fiercely to slam his books down on his desk, but Heimdall never asked what was wrong; he would would just look at him and return to whatever he was doing. It was a welcome relief from the constant nagging that his family had always given him. When he got in such a mood, Loki would usually sit down at his desk and put on his headphones with his music turned up loud. When Frigga called him, though, Heimdall didn't seem to mind the noise, so Loki inadvertently let Heimdall listen in on parts of his life.

One day when Frigga called, she told him that Thor's football team had just won a big game. Loki scoffed. "It can't have been  _that_ important, ma. He would have been bragging to me if it was."

"Are you sure?" Frigga asked gently. "When was the last time you spoke to him?"

"He just called me last—" He glanced at the calendar hanging above his desk. "A few weeks ago," he ended lamely. He could feel his cheeks burning. It hadn't been a very long conversation, but of course Thor would have called him again if something important had happened. Wouldn't he?

"Alright, sweetheart. I should let you go. Make sure you're getting enough sleep and eating well."

"I will, ma. Don't worry."

"Love you."

"Bye." Loki hung up and chewed on his lip. After a moment, he pulled his laptop towards him and looked up the Oklahoma State football schedule. They had won three games in a row. The last one had been two days before. Loki stared blankly at the wall for a moment. He didn't notice Heimdall eying him over his shoulder.

 _Thor Borrsson,_ he typed into the search bar. The first result, of course, was his Facebook page, which Loki determinedly scrolled past; he didn't go on Facebook anymore on principle. The second and third were his name on the football roster. The fourth was an article about him winning a trophy in high school that had, for some reason, been published in the local newspaper.

The fifth was his name on the schedule for Oklahoma State student radio.

Loki blinked. Perhaps it was another Thor. All the website could tell him was that he co-hosted with a Natasha Romanoff, whom Loki had certainly never heard of. Their time slot was 2-4pm on Thursdays. Loki glanced at the clock; accounting for the one-hour time difference, Thor—if it really was him—would be on in another five minutes. There was only one way to find out. Without a second thought, he clicked on  _Listen to KXYZ Live._

The station that came before them was soft rock, so Loki turned the volume down a little and opened up an essay he was supposed to be working on. Heimdall glanced briefly over his shoulder and then returned to his own homework. They worked in companionable silence for a few minutes while the song finished. The hosts came on, thanked their listeners, and the air went silent.

Someone cleared their throat on the radio. A shiver started at the base of Loki's skull and ran all the way down his spine. "Aaaand it's 2 pm on the dot," said Thor's voice, and Loki forgot how to breathe. "Sounds like a great time for some music."

"That's what we think, anyway," said a female voice, and Loki was abruptly snapped back to reality. She and Thor laughed uproariously as if that was the cleverest thing anyone had ever said.

They sounded like they got along  _well_.

"Ah-ha, anyway, we've got some great tunes for you tonight," said Thor. "I'm sure you'd rather listen to the music than me, so here's our first set."

"Enjoy," said the woman, and the first song started.

To Loki's surprise, the station was not rock, or pop, or anything that Loki would have ever expected; it was jazz. Loki listened in fascination. He had never known that Thor liked music like this. The song ended, and then another, and Loki found that he was only paying half of his attention to the words he was typing. The last chord of a song rang out, and Natasha listed off the names and artists of the songs.

"My baby brother just started college," said Thor, "and I hope he's having an okay time, so this next one's for him. I hope you don't mind if it's a little different from what we usually play." Loki's fingers stilled on the keyboard. "Hey, don't get too homesick and don't fail finals. If you do, ma will kill me." There was some muffled chuckling, and Thor said, "Without further ado, a track we all know and love."

It was "Sweet Home Alabama." Loki stared at the wall in front of him.  _Dammit, Thor._ They had both heard it only a million times, and Loki hated it because it got on his nerves—but it was familiar, and it was Thor, and Loki's eyes stung. Heimdall had gone quiet in his side of the room.

_Sweet home Alabama; Lord, I'm coming home to you._

The song ended and another one started immediately after. Loki looked back at his computer and stared blankly at his essay. Why today? How had Thor known that he would listen to his station  _today?_

"Who was that?" asked Heimdall, but Heimdall's voice said,  _Even I can tell he misses you._

Loki looked at him. For a split-second, he considered lying, but Heimdall had never asked him for any personal details before. "His name is Thor," Loki said suddenly, and his lips parted to say,  _my brother,_ but he paused. None of these people  _knew._ None of them thought of Loki as Thor's younger brother. They thought of him as just Loki, and he could tell them exactly who Thor was without telling the truth. Loki closed his lips and took a breath.

"He's a friend from home," said Loki, and when Heimdall asked if Loki missed him, Loki said yes.

* * *

_October 29_

_Dear Thor,_

_School has been good and I've met some very interesting people here. Greek is my favorite subject. I'm considering becoming a Classics major, just so that you can never tease me for reading ancient books again. Then again, there was a minor explosion in my Chemistry lab a few days ago. How is that Business major looking now?_

_Oh, and I was wrong about the library being wonderful. We have over 24 of them._

_Love,  
Loki_

_P.S. I said I would write to you. I didn't say when._


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to make the football playoff conceivable, but the details may not be entirely accurate. If it doesn't bother you, excellent. If it does . . . remember that this is an AU, so maybe things work slightly different in this universe than our own?

Thor had been on a football team for enough years of his life to know how it felt just before a game: the high the day of, the acceptance just before the game began, the thrum of adrenaline as it started. But as Thor sat in the locker room wrapping up his hands while his teammates got dressed all around him, he couldn't quite explain the way his heart felt like it was lodged in his throat.

It was November. The Oklahoma Cowboys had made it to to the NCAA Division I Football Championship this year, an accomplishment they were proud of—and they were facing the Yale Bulldogs. The playoff was held at Oklahoma State, so the home crowd was immense. Thor could hear the roaring from the locker room, but that wasn't what was bothering him.

Loki had never much cared for football. He had come to a few of Thor's games in high school, but he had always seemed bored out of his mind when Thor saw him. Thor didn't blame him, not really—it had been high school, after all—but college football was an entirely different game. With all likelihood, this would be the biggest game of Thor's career—and Loki would almost certainly be watching.

Thor could imagine Loki sitting in the back of his dorm's lounge at Yale, his feet drawn up on the armchair and his arms wrapped around his knees. He would rest his chin on his knees and watch the game silently. The ball would be set on the field; Loki's classmates would go up in a roar as they cheered on their team, while Loki would watch silently. Then, they would fall silent; the game would begin. Thor would score a touchdown, the room would fill with boos, and Loki's mouth would curl into a smile that no one would see.

"You ready for this?" asked Steve. Thor looked up. Steve had his helmet under one arm, and his normally soft blue eyes were hard as steel. He offered Thor his free hand.

Thor grinned and took it. "Most definitely."

* * *

The Cowboys were expecting it, but the roar that met them when they ran out onto the field was still a shock. As they ran, Thor squinted up at the stands. The early afternoon sun glinted off the metal seats, and the crowd was nothing more than a blur of blue and orange and white. Thor slowed to a stop and turned in a full circle, eying the stands. Steve called the team together and Thor jogged over to him, smiling to himself. Loki was never there, but Thor looked for him every time just in case.

"We know how to do this," Steve was shouting over the roar of the crowd. "We've done it before, and we'll do it again. Let's beat 'em." He took a deep breath and met his teammates' eyes. " _Cowboys!"_ the team yelled. Thor felt the familiar rush fill his veins. As everyone hurried to their positions, Thor lagged behind. He caught Steve before he could jog past, and he patted Steve firmly on the shoulder.

"You're the best captain a team could ask for," he yelled over the crowd. Steve looked at him and smiled, and then he dropped down his visor.

Thor barely had time to think before the game had begun. It was fast-paced and brutal, and Thor was sweating heavily only a few yards in. Though Thor blocked out the sound for the most part, he could tell even the energy of the crowd was different; their roars went through highs and lows as fast as the game could change, and their silences were charged with static. But this—the lull before the storm, and then the rush—this was football, and this was something the Cowboys could do.

The game was getting close to the end when someone finally called a timeout. Thor gratefully took off his helmet and wiped off his forehead. His hair was tied back, but it was still wet with sweat and clung to his skin in long strands. He made a face and tried to smooth back the worst of it. Their coach was talking, but Thor had heard it before—all he really needed was a rest, and the Gatorade he had in his hand. He looked up at the stands as he gulped down a mouthful. He was next to a a section of the stands that was covered in blue—Yale. He scanned their faces, knowing he wouldn't recognize any of them, when he caught sight of a shock of jet black hair. The crowd shifted, and for a moment, Thor lost him.

The sharp sound of the whistle made Thor look towards the field. His Gatorade was already tossed to the side and his helmet in his hands as he looked back to the stands—and there he was. Loki's long, slim fingers gripped a water bottle, and Loki had his arms crossed over the railing as he leaned over, down, smiling at Thor.

"Thor!" shouted the coach. Thor slammed his helmet back on his head. He grinned through the sweat and heat and saluted Loki. He turned and jogged back onto the field. It was their ball; they could salvage something out of this game, Steve was telling them silently, they  _had_ to. Thor put his hands on his knees and looked at Steve. Steve cocked his head ever so slightly, an unspoken question, and Thor nodded.

The ball was in play. The perfect arch of the ball, a pass; Thor caught it; Steve rammed into the man about to take Thor down. Thor sprinted, and when he fell, he brought the ball into the end zone.

The touchdown didn't matter; after the next play, the game was over. The crowd roared; Yale had won.

And Thor did not care in the least.

* * *

"Not to be critical of good sportsmanship or anything, but why are you smiling?"

Thor blinked. He had finished showering and had come out of the locker room with the expectation that security would have kept everyone out of the area like they were supposed to—but instead he was faced with a man with short, light brown hair who was looking at Thor with a raised eyebrow. Thor slung an arm around Clint's neck despite his protests. "Are you supposed to be back here?" Thor asked amusedly.

"No," Clint replied.

"He's not," the redheaded woman behind him said with a smirk.

"Hey," said Clint, trying to look at her as he craned his neck around Thor's arm. "Women are  _definitely_  not allowed back here."

"How are you, Natasha?" Thor asked cheerfully.

"I've been better," she said dryly, and she pointedly ignored Clint.

The sound of echoing footsteps made Natasha look at someone behind them. Thor rotated Clint so they could both watch a man with black spiked hair and sunglasses stride down the hall towards them. "Hey, Point Break! Good game!" the man called, clearly not worried about whether he was allowed to be here or not.

"Anthony!" Thor exclaimed.

Tony stopped just in front of Thor. "You did good, buddy." He pushed his sunglasses up onto his head and gave Thor a smile. Before he could say anything more, however, Thor caught him in a half-armed hug.

"Glad you could make it," Thor said while Tony struggled to get his head above Thor's shoulder to breathe. Thor finally released him. Clint tried to squirm out of Thor's grip in the hope Thor would release him as well. He didn't.

Tony quickly stepped out of hug range, massaging his throat. "There was a definite change in your style towards the end there. Did you see a pretty girl, or—?"

The locker door opened, let out a momentary gust of steam and noise, and produced Steve before it closed again. "You only showed up for the last few minutes," Steve said. He still had a towel slung around the back of his neck, and his hair was damp. He gave Tony what might have passed for a glare if he had been less exhausted. "Bruce told me."

Tony immediately looked guilty. "We had to wrap up our lab report, and the experiment was going really well—"

"You finished your lab report days ago," Steve retorted.

"Guys, guys," Clint said, still firmly sandwiched between Thor's biceps and his torso. "We're ignoring the important question here. Why is Thor smiling?"

The group looked at Thor. Thor grinned.

"Is this a private party?" another voice asked, and the entire group turned to see a man leaning against the wall. His black hair was slicked back from his bright, sharp eyes. Thor released Clint, who staggered back a step, rubbing his neck with a wince.

"When did you show up?" Tony asked, looking between the man and the otherwise empty hallway with interest.

"This," Thor said, "is my brother, Loki." There was a smile teasing at the edge of Loki's lips, and he returned the mock-salute Thor had given him on the field. Thor strode towards Loki and pulled him into a crushing hug. Loki rolled his eyes and patted Thor on the back. When they separated, Thor's smile was blinding. "How did you get here?" His smile momentarily faded. "You didn't fly here just for this, did you?"

Loki shook his head. "Yale paid for my ticket. They needed someone to carry around water for the team, and the guy they had couldn't make it."

"Nice deal," said Clint.

"I'm glad you could make it," Thor told Loki. He gripped Loki's shoulder and looked into his eyes searchingly for a moment. They hadn't seen each other since . . . before school started.

"How long are you here for?"

Loki shrugged. "Just for another few hours until our flight back."

Thor's expression fell. "It's good to see you, no matter for how long," he said quietly, and Loki wouldn't quite meet his eyes. Thor turned back to his friends, who were watching with mixed expressions, and Thor brightened. "Of course. Loki, this is Tony"—Tony waved—"Steve"—

"Hello," said Steve.

"Natasha"—Natasha inclined her head—"And Clint."

"Howdy."

"A pleasure," Loki drawled.

"So, you're Loki," said Tony, approaching Loki and reaching out a hand. Loki eyed it, and then shook it warily. Tony leaned in close and examined him. Loki stood his ground, though he narrowed his eyes in displeasure. Apparently satisfied, Tony stepped back. "You really go to Yale?"

"Yes," Loki said icily.

"And Thor's really your brother?" Tony pointedly looked between the two of them. "I don't see much of a resemblance."

"Anthony—" Thor rumbled.

"I'm adopted," Loki said tightly. "Obviously."

Tony waved a hand dismissively. "No, no. I meant personality-wise. Thor here is like a big puppy"—Thor raised a doubtful eyebrow—"but I get the feeling you have a bit more of . . . a bite." Tony circled in closer to Loki, and Loki's eyes did not leave his once.

A slight smile curved Loki's lips. "Takes one to know one," he purred. Clint and Natasha exchanged a look. Steve did not looked pleased. Thor was not smiling anymore, but he looked more thoughtful than anything.

"You aren't by any chance interested in the sciences?" Tony asked. "Physics, maybe? Something with sparks?"

"Sadly, no," Loki told him, clearly as amused by Tony as Tony was fascinated by him. "I lean more towards linguistics and philosophy. And mathematics, occasionally. It's the only  _pure_  science."

Tony's eyebrows approached his hairline. "One for purity, are you?"

Clint clapped his hands together. "What do you guys say to some drinks?"

"Yes," Steve said tightly. "Please."

The group moved out towards the fading sound of the crowd outside. Thor occupied Loki with asking about his flight and school, and Steve hung back to walk next to Tony. "He's only a freshman," Steve said quietly.

"So?" asked Tony. "Good job on the field today, by the way."

Steve sighed and ran a hand through his damp hair. "Just . . . try not to upset Thor, okay?"

"These are your friends," Loki said to Thor as they walked slightly ahead of the group. "How interesting."

"You never really met my friends in high school," Thor pointed out. He hesitated, and the chatter of the rest of them washed over them. "I wrote you about them, last week."

"Yes, I got your letter." Loki slipped a hand into his own jacket pocket and pulled out a slip of paper. "I thought it would be easiest to hand-deliver my reply."

Thor looked at the paper, and then at Loki in surprise. Loki was smirking, and in a better mood than Thor could remember him being when they had talked briefly those few times on the phone. A bit of light from a window caught Loki's eyes and they flashed green. Thor took the piece of paper from his fingers. Their fingers barely brushed before Loki released it. Loki was still looking straight into Thor's eyes. "You've been getting too much sun," he murmured, too low for the rest of them to hear. "I think football has made your freckles stand out more." Loki grinned. He turned away to ask Clint something, and suddenly Thor was fifteen again, standing outside of church, and he couldn't breath.

Thor slipped the piece of paper in his pocket. He had forgotten about that until just then; church and freckles. It seemed like an age ago. When was the last time he and Loki had gone to church together?

"How are you doing?" Natasha asked quietly. Thor hadn't noticed her slip up beside him. He smiled at her.

"Fine. Did you enjoy the game?"

The corner of her mouth quirked up. "I enjoyed the corn dogs."

He grinned. "Do you think there are any left?"

* * *

Steve had word that most of the team was meeting up at a bar nearby, so the group trekked across the street and headed in that direction. The air smelled clean and crisp, and they walked quickly. The minute they got inside, Thor and Tony made a beeline for the bar to order food. "Tony and I are the only ones of us actually old enough to buy drinks," Natasha confided in Loki. "If you'd like something . . . ?"

"I'm fine, but thanks," Loki said. He looked curiously around the bar. "Are the rest of you sophomores, then?"

"Yes. Bruce is also a junior, though. He might join us later." Natasha was called away to help order, so Loki looked around for Clint and Steve. They had picked out a booth, and Loki slid into it across from them.

"You're Thor's roommate?" Loki asked Steve.

"Yes." Steve had his hands folded on the table in front of him. He was not impolite, but he was more guarded than the others. Loki wondered what Thor had told him—or if the distance was personal. "I'm sorry about Tony," Steve said finally.

"I don't mind." A pause. "Is he like that with everyone?"

"No," said Steve.  _Are you?_ Steve seemed dying to ask, but he kept his mouth closed in a tight line, and Loki wasn't about to volunteer an answer to an unasked question.

Loki eyed Clint curiously, but Clint was busy watching Natasha from a distance, so Loki turned back to Steve. "You're the captain of Thor's team too, aren't you?" Steve nodded. "You played well," Loki said with no hint of malice. "I won't pretend to know very much about football, but you did a better job than our captain." A smile. Steve smiled faintly. Then Natasha returned, and Tony and Thor followed with enough food to feed an army.

"Food!" Tony cried, and chuckles ran around the table. Loki ended up crammed in the corner with Thor next to him, and as the group grabbed piles of fries and breadsticks, Loki smiled and joined in. It was warm, sitting next to Thor, which was a welcome change from the chill of the air outside. When Thor wasn't looking, Loki stole his beer and drank a quarter of it before Thor noticed. At the look on Thor's face, Loki laughed, a clear peal of joy, and the rest of the group smiled. Thor smirked and snatched it out of Loki's grasp. Loki complained, and Thor grinned, and Natasha and Tony exchanged smiles.

"He needs to visit more often," Tony mouthed, and Natasha rolled her eyes.

"No way," she mouthed back. "You're a horrible flirt."

"Me?" Tony exclaimed in mock-horror.

"Not everything is about you, Tony," Steve said seriously, though there was a glint in his eyes. Everyone laughed.

Thor turned to Loki when the laughter had died down and the conversation had moved on. "I meant to mention this earlier." He scratched the stubble on his chin idly and didn't meet Loki's eyes. "Flights are expensive this time of year. Ma told me we . . . might not be able to come home for Thanksgiving."

"Yeah." Loki looked down at the table. "That's what she told me too."

"Winter Break is only in a month," Thor pointed out, as he had already pointed out to himself and his mother. "I think I'll drive home from school this year, though, so I might be a few days late."

Loki cocked his head. "You have a car?"

"No, it's Jane's." Loki slowly arched an eyebrow and Thor shook his head. "It's not like that. It just seems silly to not drive together since she lives so close to us." By now, the others had quieted down enough to listen.

Loki looked back at the table. "Of course. And you can split the gas money."

"Yeah." Thor swished the beer around at the bottom of his bottle. "She's got a new boyfriend. Donald, or something."

"Good for her." Even Thor caught the bitterness in Loki's voice, and he winced.

"Has anyone seen the latest  _Dog Cops_?" Clint asked in the silence.

Loki glanced at the clock on the wall of the bar. "I think it's time for me to go." He scrunched his napkin in one hand and stood, and Thor hastily stood up too. After a moment, Tony took the hint and inched out of the booth. As Loki swept past Tony and Thor, he shoved the napkin into Tony's hands. Thor caught a glimpse of it as Tony unfolded it; Loki's number was scrawled across it in blue ink.

"It was nice to meet you all," Loki said. He nodded at Thor and left, the door to the bar banging shut behind him.

"It was a pretty good episode," Steve said in the silence.

"Right?" said Clint.

* * *

When Loki and the Bulldogs got back to school, Sif was waiting for them at the bus stop. "Do you know how I found out where you had been all day?" she demanded as he stepped off the bus. He gave her an amused look and started towards his dorm. "I was watching the game on TV. You were in a shot of the crowd at one point. You were  _glowing."_

Loki rolled his eyes. "I am not pregnant, Sif. You don't need to be concerned."

"I don't believe you." Sif squinted as his mouth. "What is this? Is this a smile? Why were you at a  _football game?_ "

"The water boy couldn't make it, so . . ."

"Wait." She stopped in front of him, forcing him to do the same. "Is there someone you're not telling me about? Is he on the football team? Oh my  _god,_ Loki! What did you do to the poor water boy to take his place?"

"I didn't poison him," he informed her. He stepped around her and continued walking. "Stop looking so alarmed. He had a lot of work to do this weekend, so I told him I'd . . .  _help_  him with his essay, and be so kind as to take his place so he'd have more time to work on it."

"You're writing his essay for him."

"Nonsense. I'm simply pointing him in the right direction."

Sif huffed. "Are you going to tell me the name of this guy, or am I going to have to hunt him down myself?"

Loki laughed. "Leave me alone, Sif. I have an essay to write."


	8. Chapter 8

After Loki left, Thor swirled around what was left of his beer while he listened to his friends chat about anything and everything that didn't have to do with Loki. After a few minutes, he drank the last of his beer and told them he was going to go back to his dorm. "I'll come with you," said Steve quickly. Natasha caught Steve's eye as they were pulling on their coats in an unspoken question. Steve shook his head slightly:  _Not right now. Give him some time._

Once they were outside on the cold, windy street, Thor put his hands in his pockets. Steve zipped up his jacket against the chill and did the same. They walked in silence all the way back to campus. When they were in sight of the dorms, Steve let out a breath and said, "I'm an only child."

Thor looked at him curiously out of the corner of his eye. "Really?" he said when Steve didn't say anything else.

"Yeah." He looked up at the sky. "I don't know what it's like to have a brother, and I don't know what you and Loki are going through, but if you need someone to talk to, I'm here."

Thor was silent for a moment. "Thanks," he said, and meant it.

When they got to their room, Steve said something about needing to pick up a book at the library and left again. Thor was grateful for some time alone, and he sat down at his desk. Loki's letter was still folded up in his pocket, so he took it out and flattened the worn piece of printer paper on the desk.

_Thor –_

_Your friends sound nice. I'm glad you and your roommate get along. You mentioned that he was the captain of the football team very casually, I noticed. You don't have to pretend you don't play football just because I don't enjoy the game as much as you do. Ma has to tell me how the games go for you. She doesn't have to look up your schedule online. Did you know that pa still wants me to pick up a varsity sport, even after that whole thing when I joined the swimming team in middle school? I can't believe him._

_I haven't mentioned my friends much, have I? Yes, I have indeed made friends. I think you would like Sif a great deal; she's like you in a lot of ways, though more stubborn, if you can believe it. She's a chemistry major and (obviously) incredibly smart. I don't get along quite as well with Fandral, Volstagg, and Hogun, but they've known her for much longer than I have and the four of them are almost never apart._

_Everyone here seems to know exactly what they're doing. Everyone always seems to be asking me, "What's your major?" I've been saying different things lately to see how they sound. I still haven't found it yet._

_I didn't realize it until now, but spring of last year was the longest we've been apart since either of us can remember (unless you have a much better memory than I think you do). It's strange to think about. I suppose I'm being more verbose than usual, so I'll end here. Perhaps I'm excited. I'm writing this on the plane, so it's not like I won't have plenty of time to talk to you myself._

_P.S. Prediction #1: You'll do an excellent job in your game today – two touchdowns, perhaps?_

_Prediction #2: I won't see you again until Christmas break._

_Prediction #3: Ma will send us pumpkin pies anyway. Happy early Thanksgiving._

He hadn't bothered to sign it.

Thor knew that Loki had given his number to Tony to hurt him. But why, exactly, Loki wanted to hurt him, he could not quite remember. Loki always implied it had something to do with Jane—but that didn't feel quite right. Jane and Loki had barely spoken to each other, and when they had, Jane had always been kind to him. Loki had never been more than civil.

Thor picked up the letter and read it through again. He was not as unobservant as Loki thought he was; he had known how few friends Loki had back then, and he had known that Loki was jealous of the attention Thor gave to Jane. But it was more than that. Could Loki blame Thor for that time when Loki had . . . ? But Loki had never expressed any sort of blame for what had happened that summer night, even during all the hospital visits and the casts and the pain medication. In fact, they had never spoken about it, not directly.

But Thor knew Loki blamed him for something, and Loki was never wrong. Deep down, Thor was certain that whatever Loki blamed him for was truly his fault.

* * *

Thor was working on an Electricity and Magnetism problem set when there was a knock at the door. Thor frowned; Steve didn't need to knock. "Come in," Thor called, still half-expecting it to be Steve.

Tony opened the door. He had ditched his sunglasses since Thor had seen him last, and his swagger was toned down more than usual. He gave Thor a rueful smile. "Hey."

Thor sat back in his chair. "Hello. Steve left"—he glanced at Steve's alarm clock, which they shared—"um, awhile ago."

"Yeah, I wasn't looking for Steve." Tony shoved his hands in his pockets and walked over to Thor's desk. "Did Loki get on his plane okay?"

"I don't know."

Tony nodded. He looked down at Thor's homework, but his eyes were glazed. "I guess I don't do apologies real well," he said suddenly, "but I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make things worse." He looked at Thor searchingly. "Steve said . . . ?" Thor frowned, but before he could ask what exactly Steve had said, Tony shrugged and looked away. "It doesn't matter. I just wanted to tell you I hadn't meant anything by it." He pulled something out of his pocket and set it on Thor's desk. "I was never going to call him, anyway."

Thor smoothed out the napkin, automatically double-checking that it really was Loki's number. "He is my brother, but I have no right to say what he can and can't do," Thor said. He frowned. "I was just . . . surprised. I hadn't known he . . . I supposed it had never occurred to me." It had, once or twice, but he had always believed that Loki would tell him if he was interested in men when he was ready. He looked at Tony, his eyes suddenly clear. "If you did call him, I would not be bothered." He paused. "Mostly."

Tony grinned at the last word. "Yeah, that's what I thought. But seriously, I'm happy with how my life is going right now. I'm not interested in fucking that up." He went to the door, but paused with his hand on the doorknob. "I don't think he ever wanted me to call him," he said softly, and then he left.

Steve came in a few minutes later. "Was Tony here?" he asked, surprised. "I saw him on my way in."

"Yeah," said Thor absently. He was bent over his homework. "He had forgotten to tell me something."

* * *

Loki remembered one Thanksgiving when it had been so hot, the adults kept exclaiming that there was no way it was November. He and Thor went outside after dinner, and Loki pointed out all the constellations to Thor that belied the weather. They decided to stay there all night, and it seemed like they might actually do it; their parents wouldn't expect them home until midnight. They lounged out in the field outside their house, barefoot, content with silence. It was dry and Loki's lungs felt like they were full of dust. Thor was looking out at the horizon, even though the sun had long since set, and there was a smile on his face. Loki saw that smile and couldn't bring himself to complain.

It was Loki who convinced Thor to go inside before midnight. They were both falling asleep. It must have been because Thor was so tired that he told Loki what he did. "One of my friends said today that he was glad you weren't my brother," Thor said as they looked up at the house, both delaying going inside. "I wanted to hit him."

"Did you?"

"No. It was at recess. All the teachers would have seen. I told him I would if he said it again, though."

Loki was quite for a minute. "Which friend was it?"

Thor frowned. Loki could see the way his brow furrowed and his lip jutted out even in the starlight. "Did I say that? Well, he's not my friend anymore."

* * *

Thanksgiving Break came up fast, and the dorms emptied of almost everyone, including Sif. Loki had enough work to do that he was almost glad he wasn't going home. At least this way, he had no reason to procrastinate until the night before.

A few days after Thanksgiving, on the Tuesday of the next week of classes, Loki got a postcard. The front had  _Oklahoma State_ printed across it in big, orange letters, and the rest of the space was filled with photographs of their football team. Loki squinted at the players for quite some time, but he was fairly certain none of them were Thor. Doubtless Thor had picked it in a hurry.

A short message had been scrawled on the other side in Thor's broad, round hand:

_Dear Loki,_

_Happy Thanksgiving! Ma really did send me a pumpkin pie. I can't believe her sometimes, but it's still good. I hope this gets there in time._

_Love,  
Thor_

Loki smiled and slipped the card in the top drawer of his desk, on top of the photograph of the two of them together.

* * *

"This sucks," Loki grumbled as he shoved his chin farther under the collar of his jacket.

"I don't understand how you can say that," Sif told him. It was the weekend before finals. Loki had agreed to accompany Sif and some of her friends on an errand downtown, and now they were walking through light flurries of snow. "Shouldn't you be, like, excited?"

"I  _have_ seen snow before."

"Oh, come on. I'm from Nevada. I've probably seen the same amount of snowfall you have. Don't you want to make up for all those white Christmases you missed?"

Loki glared at her. Whatever she saw startled her into laughter. "What?" he demanded.

"I just had the perfect idea for a Christmas present for you," she told him.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" asked Fandral. He was the most boisterous of Sif's friends, and Loki vacillated between liking him least and liking him best. He was blond and very handsome, and he clearly knew it. He smirked at Loki. Loki glared at him. Fandral flirted with everything that moved, but Loki wanted to make it very clear that he did  _not_ go for pretty boys.

Sif shook her head with a smile. "Maybe." She spotted something in a shop window across the street and her eyes lit up. "Ah-ha! Hogun, Volstagg, guard the hostage." She and Fandral ran across the street to the shop without another word. Loki glanced at Hogun, the dark-haired, quiet one of the company. Hogun merely shrugged. Volstagg began to hum something Loki didn't recognize, and the three of them studiously ignored each other while they waited.

The door to the store swung open again. "They had them!" Sif shrieked, and she and Fandral raced back over to them. Sif was holding a cardboard box about the size of a shoebox with a red ribbon tied around it. She shoved it into Loki's hands. Volstagg came over to him and eyed it curiously.

Loki arched an eyebrow as he examined the box. "Should I wait?"

"No, go ahead," said Sif. Her cheeks, which had already been pink from the cold, flushed further with excitement.

Loki undid the ribbon and opened the box to find layers of tissue paper. He peeled them back to reveal . . . a pair of earmuffs. They were white and very fluffy. He scowled.

Sif and the others dissolved into gales of laughter. "They're perfect for you!" Volstagg exclaimed. "Put them on."

"Please do," said Fandral. Loki knew that the hand lurking in his pocket was ready to pull out his phone the minute Loki did so. Loki rolled his eyes, but he pulled the earmuffs out of the box. Sif took the box away from him and he put them on.

Instantly, Sif and Fandral had their phones out and were taking pictures of him. Loki made sure to scowl through the whole ordeal, but he was secretly pleased. No one outside of his family had ever bought him a Christmas present before. The earmuffs were ridiculous, and the pictures would undoubtedly make it onto Facebook (which would require more complaining on his part), but he thought that if it was this cold when school started back up in January, he just might wear them.

"Smile!" said Sif, and Loki had to threaten to throw the earmuffs at her head to avoid doing just that.

* * *

When Loki got back to his dorm, he found a missed call on his phone from their house, which meant Frigga had called. He hit  _Call Back_ and waited. His mother picked up after one ring.

"Oh, darling, it's good to hear your voice," she said. "I was just calling to wish you luck on finals."

Loki smiled and shifted the phone to between his shoulder and ear. "Thanks ma," he said as he took off his gloves.

"How are you feeling about them this semester? You did so well last semester. We're all very proud of you."

Loki took off his coat one arm at a time. "Yeah, I'm feeling good this semester. I think Greek will actually be easier this time, now that I'm used to it."

"That's good to hear. And your friends are doing well? Oh, the pasta is boiling over. Your father wants to talk to you. I love you."

"I love you too," Loki said automatically.

"Here's your father." There was a silence on the other end.

"Hello?" said Odin.

"Hello," said Loki politely. He picked his phone back up in one hand and unwound his scarf from around his neck with the other.

"Finals are this week."

"Yes."

"You'll do well." It sounded like a command.

"Yes."

"Are you coming home next summer?"

Loki froze, his scarf dangling from one hand. "What do you mean, 'am I coming home'?"

"Have you booked your flight yet? Your mother and I were looking at our expenses, and—"

"It will be my first summer home from college!" Something sharp was cutting into Loki's lungs. Angry tears prickled his eyes. "Are you telling me you can send me to college but you don't have enough money to bring me back? Is Thor coming home?"

"Loki. You know we're not putting you through college. You've taken out loans and there was a reason you worked last summer. Thor has a scholarship—"

"Yale doesn't give merit-based scholarships!" Loki screamed into the phone. "I am going to  _Yale,_ and you didn't think to tell me we can't afford it?"

Odin was silent for a long moment. "We can afford it," he said quietly, "but plane tickets are expensive. We already bought your tickets for Christmas, but find another way to come home for the summer." The line went dead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter that was on FF.net, so from here on out, I'll update both accounts at the same time!


	9. Chapter 9

After finals, Thor drove home with Jane as planned. He had thought it would be difficult, being confined in a car with her for over ten hours, but after the first half hour they fell into something similar to their old routine. He hadn't talked to her much since their breakup, and it was nice to catch up. They had talked about dividing the drive between two days, but in the end they did it in one straight shot. Thor got home late and exhausted, but a grin lit up his face when he saw his parents. He asked if Loki had gotten in yet, was told that he hadn't, and went to bed without thinking anymore about it.

The next morning, Thor came downstairs at nearly noon. His parents were at work, and he yawned as he slowly went about the process of making himself breakfast. He checked his phone: no calls.

When Frigga and Odin got home that night, Loki still wasn't back. When Thor asked when his flight was, Odin shrugged.

"He told us he had delayed it by a few days. He'll call us when he gets here."

At dinner, Frigga worked questions about Loki into their conversation: Did Loki know his major yet? How had Loki handled his first year of college? How were finals? Had he been homesick? Thor realized he didn't know the answers. When Thor had seen him at the football game, they had hardly talked about school, if at all. Frigga didn't seem worried, but Thor began to wonder what was taking him so long.

The next night, when they were just starting to make dinner, the doorbell rang. Thor's heart leapt into his throat. He had a split second to think,  _Oh god, Loki. We haven't seen each other in so long; what if I say something, what if he can tell?_ before he remembered that it might not even be Loki, and that Loki had no reason to think Thor would ever care for him as anything more than a brother _._ Thor swallowed and willed his heartbeat to slow. For almost the entire semester, he had ignored that memory of driving Loki to the hospital. How had he thought he could make himself forget?

He turned towards the door, but Frigga and Odin had already reached it. Frigga opened the door. "Loki!" she exclaimed, and Thor's heartbeat finally evened out. Loki was home, and Loki was okay. Thor came up behind Frigga to peer over her shoulder. A man was standing next to Loki. He had an easy smile and long, dark hair than hung loosely around his shoulders. Frigga was clearly surprised, but she covered it up well. "You didn't tell us you were bringing a friend."

The man had his hand resting on Loki's far hip, and at the comment, he pulled Loki a little closer. Loki bumped against his shoulder easily. He looked far from a "friend."

"Be nice, ma," Loki said. There was a nasty edge to his tone, and his smile didn't look quite right. "Aren't you going to let us in?"

She hastily pulled the door all the way open. "Of course. Guests are always welcome," she said warmly.

"It's not nice of you to not warn your mother," Odin told Loki in a low voice as he brushed past him.

Loki paused and gave him a look. "Loki," Thor said in a low, warning tone, and Loki continued past them all without even glancing at Thor. It hurt to be brushed aside, but they would have time to talk later. As Frigga and Odin followed Loki into the house, Thor turned to Loki's . . . friend and held out his hand with a smile. "I'm Thor. I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name."

"Svadilfari," he said in a cool voice. He shook Thor's hand, but his eyes followed Loki's back as he walked towards the kitchen. He let go of Thor's hand and made to follow Loki, but Thor gently stopped him with a hand on his chest. Svadilfari looked at him irritatedly and Thor smiled.

"Sorry. Ma and pa have to interrogate him. We haven't seen him in months."

Voices were rising in the kitchen. "I'm sorry," Loki snarled, and Svadilfari looked over Thor's shoulder wide-eyed. "Is it because he's  _black?_ Or is it because  _we're both men?"_

Thor winced. " _Loki_ ," snapped Frigga, and Thor decided it was time for an escape.

He clapped Svadilfari on the shoulder. "Do you have any luggage?"

Svadilfari nodded after a furtive glance over Thor's shoulder. "It's in the car."

Thor followed Svadilfari outside and they began to haul his and Loki's luggage inside. Apparently Svadilfari was planning to stay for a few days; Frigga would be thrilled.

Actually, she very well might be. Loki had never brought anyone home before. Thor had always been Odin's favorite, but Loki was still Frigga's baby boy. Thor eyed Svadilfari as they trudged up the stairs to Loki's room with the luggage, though it was probably a waste of effort since someone would almost certainly end up sleeping on the couch. Loki had clearly chosen him to rile up their parents, but he didn't seem like a bad guy. He was pretty relaxed about the whole thing, actually.

Thor stopped Svadilfari before they went back downstairs and patted him companionably on the shoulder. "You seem like a nice guy," said Thor, "but if you hurt him, I'll break your neck." Thor grinned. Svadilfari stared at him for a moment, and then laughed like he thought Thor was kidding.

When they got back downstairs, everyone had calmed down somewhat. Loki wasn't making eye contact with anyone, but Frigga invited Svadilfari into the kitchen with a smile, and he was quickly incorporated into the process of serving dinner. Thor leaned against the counter and watched. Loki seemed to cheer up a little when he saw that Thor hadn't dismembered Svadilfari, but otherwise he barely seemed to notice the man's existence. Svadilfari went out of his way to brush his fingers across Loki's when he took dishes from him, and he would bump into Loki on purpose, but as Thor watched, he found that Loki consistently rejected his advances. He would push Svadilfari away from him gently when he got too close, and his fingers never lingered when they touched. When Loki went to set the table, Svadilfari followed.

"Thor, take this out to the table and sit down. We're just about ready to eat."

Thor took the green beans from his mother and headed towards the dining room. He bumped into Loki going the opposite direction, and Loki jumped. "Sorry," said Thor in surprise.

"Sorry," Loki mumbled automatically in response, and he flitted back into the kitchen. Thor frowned slightly as he continued on his way. Loki had avoided his eyes, yet again. He hoped that Loki wasn't mad at him. He had no idea why he would be.

They all finally sat down and Frigga, Odin, and Thor said grace. Thor watched Loki from under his lashes as they did so; Loki's eyes were lowered politely, but he gave no other sign of emotion. Odin carved the turkey (Svadilfari politely declined a slice) and they relaxed. Conversation flowed easily, and Odin and Frigga managed to pull personal details out of Svadilfari without being too obvious about it. Thor helped himself to another slice of turkey while Loki passed the green beans over to their father. Thor and Loki's eyes met across the table. Thor smiled automatically, and the slight curve of Loki's lips blossomed into a smile immediately.

The house finally felt like home.

* * *

After dinner, Thor went out on the back deck with a beer while Odin kindly looked the other way. It was cool out, but the sky was clear and the stars were bright. A few moments later, he heard the door open and Loki sat down quietly beside him.

"You guys are cute together," Thor commented.

Loki huffed out a laugh. "Thanks," he said dryly.

"Aren't you worried they're ripping him to shreds in there?" Thor asked, gesturing back to the house.

"Nah." Loki gazed out at the landscape. There wasn't much to see; just the dark, empty fields and a few distant lights. "He can handle it."

Thor wanted to ask Loki questions, so many questions, but he knew that Loki had been interrogated enough by their parents for the night, so he kept his mouth shut. They sat there in companionable silence for several minutes.

"Can I have a sip?"

Thor wordlessly handed over his beer. Loki took a long swallow, his throat milk-white under the starlight, and then handed it back. Thor brought his knees up and rested his hands on them. He held the beer loosely in one hand, tapping it against his knee to the sound of distant music that one of their neighbors was playing. He cleared his throat and gazed innocently at the sky. "So tell me, is he hung like a horse?" Loki snorted and hastily tried to turn it into a cough. Thor grinned; Loki wasn't fooling anyone. "That's what I thought," Thor said into his beer, and then Loki was outright laughing. Thor chuckled and slung an arm around his shoulders. "Welcome back, brother," he said in his ear, and Loki shook helplessly against him. Loki was wearing a thin t-shirt, and Thor could feel the heat of him easily where they were pressed together. Thor tried to ignore the way his own heart rattled in his chest, but it was so hard when Loki was right there.

Loki must have felt Thor tensing up, because he pulled away and chuckled into his hand. "You're ridiculous," he told Thor.

"Uh-huh," said Thor, raising his eyebrows. "I'm the one who brought back a guy just to piss off my parents." He shook his head and took a swig of the beer. It was cool on his tongue, and it burned down his throat as he swallowed. "There are easier ways to do that, you know."  _What happened?_  he wanted to ask, but he let Loki think.

Loki wasn't laughing anymore. He looked at his feet, and Thor couldn't see his face. "What happened with you and Jane?" he asked quietly.

Thor looked out at the fields. It was an old tactic of Loki's to deflect implied questions with questions of his own, but Thor knew that Loki honestly wanted to know. "We were better as friends," he said finally. He stood up and held out a hand to Loki. "You want to go inside? I want to get dibs on the couch before ma and pa throw a fit."

Loki looked up at Thor. "Really?"

"Yeah. You deserve a real bed your first night back. Svadilfari can have yours, and you can sleep in mine." Loki took Thor's hand and Thor pulled him to his feet."No sex in my bed, though," Thor told him, and Loki smacked him on the shoulder.

That night, tossing uncomfortably on the couch, Thor felt like a coal was slowly burning through his stomach. He thought of Loki panting under Svadilfari, of Loki licking a stripe down his skin teasingly, Loki's black, painted nails digging into his shoulder blades, and he felt like he was going to throw up.

How the hell was Thor going to survive this?

* * *

That morning, Thor, Frigga, and Odin were already up when Svadilfari and Loki stumbled downstairs to breakfast. They both looked suspiciously tired, but Thor reasoned that they had had a long day of traveling. He tried not to think about it too much.

Odin was frying an egg. "Would you like one?" he asked the stove top. There was a pause before Svadilfari realized this question was probably aimed at him.

"No thanks," he said.

"Svadilfari is a vegan," Loki explained.

Odin and Frigga exchanged looks, Odin's incredulous, Frigga's concerned. "Oh," said Frigga. "Would you like some cereal?"

Loki rolled his eyes and went over to the fridge. "With nothing in it? We don't have soy milk." He pulled out the orange juice and poured two glasses. He set one of them in front of Thor and took the other one for himself. "Would you like some?" he asked Svadilfari. Thor looked at him in surprise, then quickly looked away. Loki rarely spent energy on kind gestures, and Thor could see no reason for this one. Loki knew that Thor had always loved orange juice. Thor took a sip from his glass and avoided Svadilfari's eyes.

"Yes, thank you," said Svadilfari.

"What about oatmeal?" asked Frigga.

Loki looked to the heavens, presumably for patience. "We make it with milk and butter, ma."

"Right," Frigga said. There was a flush high on her cheeks. Thor couldn't remember the last time he had seen her embarrassed.

Thor took a gulp of his orange juice and then stood. "How does some toast and jam sound?" he asked.

"That would be great," said Svadilfari gratefully, and Thor showed him where the jam and bread were. When Thor walked back over to the table to the remains of his own breakfast, Loki gave him a strange look. Thor sighed inwardly. Did Loki really think that Thor wouldn't notice that Loki was trying to make the situation as awkward as possible?

_I know you better than you think I do, brother._

Svadilfari left that afternoon. Loki borrowed the car to drive Svadilfari to wherever he was going, and as Thor watched them drive away, his mouth tightened into a straight line. He didn't know what had happened to make Loki want to hurt their parents, but he hoped Loki got over it soon. As horrible as he felt for wishing it, he hoped he never saw Svadilfari again.


	10. Chapter 10

Svadilfari had been gone for a week when Loki woke up and found that he had a message from, of all places, the police station.

"Hey brother, it's Thor," said Thor's tired voice. "It's nearly three in the morning, so I figure you won't get this until the morning. The later morning. After the sun rises." There was a heavy sigh, and Loki could see Thor running his hand over his face. "Um. This is my phone call. I'm at the police station, so if you could pick me up, that would be great."

Loki rolled out of bed, got dressed, and grabbed the car keys before either of their parents got up.

* * *

"What was he brought in for?" Loki asked the policeman at the front desk as he signed the required paperwork.

The man shrugged lazily. "If you want to know, you can ask him."

When Thor was led out to the front of the station and saw Loki, he looked so relieved Loki almost didn't want to yell at him. "Hey," said Thor. He didn't seem to be in a hurry to go anywhere. His hair was greasy and hung in front of his face. He was badly in need of a shower.

"Car's out front," Loki said in a clipped voice. Thor nodded and followed him outside. Loki started the car without a word, and Thor seemed content to just lean his head back and close his eyes.

"What did you do?"

"It doesn't matter," Thor said. He sighed. "Thanks for picking me up. Don't tell ma and pa?"

"Did you get drunk?" Loki's hands were tight on the steering wheel. It was no secret that their father veered dangerously close to alcoholism sometimes, and this wasn't the first time Loki had driven Thor home.

Thor looked at Loki. "Yes," he said bluntly, "but that wasn't what they arrested me for."

"Then what did you do?"

"Leave it alone."

" _Thor_."

Thor sighed and looked out the window. "I punched a guy. But he deserved it."

"Did he." Violence: just what their family needed.

"Yes, Loki, he did," Thor said, and to Loki's surprise, he actually sounded angry. "It's none of your business, okay? I don't want to talk about it."

They came to a red light, and Loki tried to stop the car slowly and calmly. He breathed through his nose. "I single-handedly paid for your bail and drove all the way out here to get you," Loki said quietly. "I think I deserve to know."

"Not everything is about you, Loki—"

"Then why are you having such a hard time just  _telling me—"_

"He was talking shit about you,  _okay?_ " Thor shouted. The light had turned green, but it took Loki a little longer than usual to get the car moving forward again. There was a moment of silence. Thor swallowed. "He was talking shit about you because he knew about Svadilfari," Thor said in a low voice. " _Everyone_ knows about Svadilfari."

"What do they say?" Loki knew that he was just baiting Thor, now, but everything felt very clear and cold. Loki had always had a morbid curiosity about what other people thought about him.

"Don't think I'm defending your  _boyfriend's_  honor," Thor continued, ignoring Loki's question, "because that piece of scum did not deserve you. You knew better."

"You seemed to like him well enough a week ago," Loki said reasonably.

"That's because I actually thought you  _cared_ about him. I was trying, okay? He didn't even go to your school. How do you think I felt when I found out that all that luggage I carried upstairs was yours? That he was just someone you picked up at a bar when you got out here? Since when have you been old enough to pick up guys at bars, Jesus." Thor rubbed his forehead.

"Who told you?"

"Your roommate. He said you had never hung out with anyone named Svadilfari."

"You called him?"

"Yes."

Loki didn't need to ask how Thor had gotten Heimdall's number. He had probably gone through Loki's phone and copied all his contacts the minute he had left his phone unattended, because it was exactly the invasive, overly protective sort of thing that Thor would do.

Thor smacked the window with the flat of his palm and Loki nearly veered into the other lane. "He just wanted you for a quick fuck, Loki! How could you be so stupid to use him like that?"

"We never had sex," Loki said quietly. "Well, not like that," he amended more quietly. "But he understood. I wasn't using him."

Thor glared at him. "You used him to make our parents feel like they know nothing about you. Tell me how that isn't using him."

Loki stared straight ahead. "I'm done with this conversation."

Thor turned away with a huff. They went past the grocery store, the gas station, the veterinary hospital where they had taken one of Frigga's cats when it had run away once and come back with a limp. Loki regretted having brought Svadilfari home, now—but he did not regret the rest of it. It had been refreshing to feel hands on him that were not imagined, to breathe in the scent of someone who smelled nothing like Thor. He had stollen kisses at parties with his eyes closed, and it had been very similar. He hadn't had to think, just act.

(What he had regretted was the way Thor's laugh had sounded fake, the way his mother had looked genuinely hurt, the way Svadilfari had given him knowing glances:  _They didn't know, did they? You didn't know how to tell them.)_

"What did our parents do to upset you?" Thor asked quietly. "Why did it take you so long to get home?"

"I can't come home next summer."

"What?" Thor turned around so quickly his seatbelt protested.

Loki flexed his hands on the wheel and sighed. "I was considering not coming home for break, but the tickets were nonrefundable. We can't afford the tickets to fly me home for the summer."

Thor relaxed. "So?" he said, and for an instant, Loki was the angriest he had been in his entire life. "You can drive."

Loki blinked. He was silent for one beat too long. "No, you moron. I don't have a car."

"Doesn't one of your friends?"

Loki snorted. "I don't have  _anyone_  who would be willing to drive me all the way down the coast," he said derisively.

"I would."

Loki glanced at him out of the corner of his eye. "No, you wouldn't. You'd have to drive all the way up to get me, probably from Oklahoma." Loki suddenly laughed. "Thor! You don't have a car either."

Thor shrugged. "I could borrow one. It wouldn't have to be from Jane. Do our parents really need two cars for, what, a weekend? How long would it take us to drive down the coast?"

Loki was silent, calculating. "Twenty hours? Fifteen? That's only one way, though."

Thor shrugged. "Two or three days, split between the two of us? No problem. I could take my time coming up. We could get ma and pa to go on vacation somewhere. They look like they need it."

"Yeah," said Loki dazedly. They were silent as Loki pulled into their driveway. Loki cut the engine and pulled out the keys.

"Loki," said Thor in a low voice, and Loki looked up. Thor slipped his hand around the back of Loki's neck, the way he used to do when they were kids. His hand was warm and solid. "I mean it. Driving you would be no problem." His eyes were slate grey in the early morning light.

"Okay," said Loki. He knew his eyes were too wide and too eager, but he let himself smile at Thor. "Okay."

Though Loki had never promised it, he didn't tell either of their parents what had happened. As far as they were concerned, Thor had gotten back late the night before and Loki had woken up early to run a quick errand.

* * *

Christmas was on them before they were ready. Loki got up early in the expectation that Thor would be already be there, shaking the presents like he always did, but the living room was empty. Loki went into the kitchen and set about making himself some coffee while he waited.

Loki was sipping at the steaming liquid and enjoying the quiet when there was a  _"Shit!"_  from upstairs, followed by a thump. Moments later, Thor came thundering down the stairs. Loki listened to the sound of his footsteps fade in the direction of the living room, where the tree was. There was a moment of silence. Apparently finding the living room as deserted as Loki had, Thor wandered into the dining room. He caught sight of Loki in the doorway to the kitchen. Loki raised an eyebrow.

Thor reddened. "I didn't realize what time it was," he mumbled. When he noticed what Loki was drinking, he brightened. "Is there any left?"

"Help yourself," Loki said dryly. He stepped out of the doorway and watched as Thor rummaged around in the cupboards for a mug. A few minutes later, their parents came down the stairs and were drawn into the kitchen by the smell of coffee. Odin grunted at them in greeting and poured out the last of the coffee for himself and his wife.

Frigga wrapped her fingers around her coffee mug with a contented sigh as she smiled at her sons. "You boys can start whenever you're ready," she told them. Thor didn't need to be told twice.

Since most of their family lived in the area, they would exchange gifts with their relatives at the party planned for that night. Thor's birthday was on December 5, so his birthday was always lumped in with Christmas celebrations and he always seemed more spoiled than the rest of them. Because of this, Loki was fairly certain he looked on Christmas mornings more fondly than Thor did; right now, Loki did not have to compete with aunts and uncles for his attention.

Since it was an odd year, Thor went first. Their parents had gotten him a new pair of football cleats, which were of course well-received. Loki had grown used to years of books for his birthday and Christmas, so he was not surprised by the size and heft of the gift from his parents. This time, it was a collection of Sappho's poetry, both in the original Greek and translated into English. The warm smile that lit up Loki's face when he saw the cover was genuine, and his parents exchanged smug looks.

Loki's present to Thor had been coordinated with his parents': a new pair of football gloves. Thor pulled Loki into a crushing hug, which Loki didn't exactly think was deserved, but he returned it warmly nonetheless. Thor's present to Loki, which Loki had at first thought was a book, slid curiously from side to side in his hands. Loki frowned at it.

"Loki, just open it," said Thor.

Loki glanced at him, still frowning, but did as he said. It was a stack of _National Geographic_ magazines.

Loki stared at the cover of the first one in surprise. Why on earth—? He flipped through them, but he found nothing to enlighten him. The photographs were very pretty, of course, but he had never said he was interested in photography. Had he?

"It's, uh, because you said you wanted to travel," Thor said awkwardly. "They're old issues, so I thought you could rip out the pages and decorate your room with them."

"You want to travel?" Frigga asked in surprise.

"Mm," said Loki noncommittally. Had that conversation really only been a few months ago? He opened one of the magazines to a photograph of a tiger stalking its prey. That would certainly look good over his desk. It was true that his room was rather bare at the moment. Would Heimdall mind, he wondered?

"Loki," Frigga admonished.

Loki quickly looked up and grinned at his brother. "I mean, thanks. I hadn't thought of that." Thor smiled in relief, and Loki stacked his presents on top of each other.

"Now, let's eat some breakfast," said Frigga. "Then you two should get cleaned up so we can go to church."

Thor glanced at Loki in time to see his smile fade as he looked at the floor.

* * *

When Thor came downstairs ready for church, he found Loki already dressed impeccably in his suit. Thor, who had taken the steps two at a time, paused at the bottom of the steps bashfully. Loki looked at him and arched an eyebrow. "What an amazing impression of an elephant."

"Boys, are you ready to go?" asked Odin as he came in, trying his tie. Loki nodded.

"Yup," said Thor, and then he realized that he had buttoned his dress shirt up all the way. He turned away from Loki and pretended to adjust his collar in the mirror near the foot of the stairs. Frigga came in, explaining that she still needed to find her purse, and everyone was sufficiently distracted that Thor didn't think anyone noticed when he quickly undid the first two buttons of his shirt. He turned around and put his hand in his pockets. Odin followed Frigga out of the room, trying to explain that he had last seen her purse on the kitchen table while she informed him that it wasn't there. Loki and Thor were left alone once again.

Loki made a  _tsk_ noise with his tongue and came over to Thor. "You would think you would have learned how to dress yourself after all these years," he muttered, and he reached up to do up the last two buttons.

Thor held his breath. "Yes," he managed. Loki always seemed to take longer to do this than necessary, and his scent made Thor feel almost dizzy. How did Loki manage to smell like that? His fingers brushed lightly against Thor's throat, just a feather touch that must have been an accident. Then he was pulling away and Frigga and Odin's voices were coming back towards them.

" _Now_ we're ready," Odin said impatiently, and they were all hustled off to the car. Loki was quiet and still all through mass, but whenever Thor looked at him he seemed calm and almost content. Thor had no doubt that he wasn't paying attention, but Thor was grateful he had made the effort to come regardless.

* * *

Thor dated other girls after Jane. When it started to get serious, Thor would sometimes think about getting married and having kids. He wanted at least two, like him and Loki—maybe two boys, or a girl for him to heft into his arms and throw in the air, giggling, who would know with absolute certainty that her father would always be there to catch her.

Thor wondered if at his wedding, Loki would be there to button up the last two buttons of his dress shirt, look into his eyes, and say,  _"Congratulations."_

But none of his relationships ever got that far.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for how delayed this chapter ended up being. I’ve been super busy with school, so I’m going to aim for shorter chapters and more frequent updates.

When they came back from Winter Break, Thor was in a very good mood. For the first couple of days, Steve was willing to pass it off as leftover excitement from seeing his family for the holidays. But then their professors started to pile on the homework and Thor's mood didn't falter. He spent more time on his phone than usual, but when Steve finally worked up the courage to check it, all he found were a few texts from Thor's brother Loki.

Really, this would all have been fine if Thor hadn't acquired the habit of humming.

"Thor," Steve finally said.

"Yes?"

Steve turned around in his desk chair and looked at his roommate. "I know it's only the second week of classes, but I need to do well on this project. Can you please tone it down a little?" Thor stared at him in confusion. "You're humming," Steve explained.

Thor grinned. "Sorry. Just tell me if I do it again, okay?"

"Sure," said Steve.

Fifteen minutes later, Steve gave up and went to the library.

* * *

"There has to be a girl," said Clint. "There  _has_ to be. How could we have missed her? Who is she?"

The five of them were sitting in the common room for Thor and Steve's dorm. Thor had class, so he wouldn't show up unexpectedly, and they had driven everyone else out of the room. No one needed to ask what the unofficial meeting was about.

Natasha shrugged. "Hardly any of us have classes with him this semester. We really wouldn't know."

"We could just ask him," Bruce pointed out.

Steve's mouth tightened. "I already did."

"And?"

Steve shook his head. Everyone sighed.

"We have to do  _something,"_ Clint said after several moments of silence. "No one can be that happy all the time. People in love make me sick."

"Like you're one to talk," Steve and Tony chorused. Natasha smirked.

Bruce pushed his glasses up higher on his nose. "You know . . . it's been awhile since I've pranked anyone."

Everyone looked at him. Bruce grinned. "I  _am_ rubbing off on you," Tony exclaimed.

Clint was already looking excited. "I used to play pranks all the time when I was in middle school. If any of you have some spare shaving cream—"

"No," said Tony. A light was slowly rising in his eyes. "This isn't a job for us. Steve, get Thor's phone."

* * *

Loki was pulling on his jacket with one hand and grabbing his pencil case with the other when his phone started to vibrate on his desk. He swore under his breath, tugged his jacket on the rest of the way, and picked up his phone. It was Thor. "Thor, I swear to god, I have an exam in fifteen minutes. This has better be important." He grabbed his key, left his room, and tucked the phone under his ear while he locked the door behind him.

"This is Tony Stark. We, uh, met when you visited your brother awhile ago."

Loki stilled. Then he recovered, shoved his key in his pocket, and picked up his phone properly. "Yes, I remember you. What is it?" He began to walk quickly down the hall.

Someone else cleared their throat. "We were wondering if you could help us with something." It was Steve. So he was on speakerphone.

"What kind of thing?" Loki asked as he pushed open the door out of his dorm.

"A Thor kind of thing," said Clint.

"He's been too cheerful lately." That was Tony again. "He hasn't told you if he has a new girlfriend, by any chance?"

Loki licked his lips. "No."

"Ah."

Loki glanced at his watch and quickened his pace; his exam was in a lot less than fifteen minutes. "May I ask why you're calling, again?"

"We want suggestions for how to prank Thor." It was a woman's voice, and she sounded smug: Natasha.

"We wanted to do something small, but enough to take him down a notch," said Clint.

"None of us have done much of that stuff lately."

There was a lot of coughing that sounded a little like, _"Or in the past decade."_

Loki rolled eyes. "What would make you think I have any ideas?"

"You're his brother."

_I'm not his brother,_ Loki thought silently, but he let it slide. "A prank, you said?" He was nearly at the chemistry building and he spotted several of his classmates ahead of him. "One of you text me your number. I'll call you back when I'm done with my exam." Before anyone could respond, Loki hung up and tucked his phone in his back pocket.

Loki felt as though he were in a trance as he took his Gen Chem test. He flew through the exam even faster than usual, and he had barely stepped outside of the building before he took out his silenced phone. He had a text from someone named Bruce Banner. He called the number and held his phone to his ear.

"Hello?" said someone.

"This is Loki. I have an idea."

* * *

Thor walked down the hall, humming to himself. As he approached his door, he could hear voices: Tony, Steve, Natasha, Clint, and Bruce. They grew quiet when Thor opened the door.

"Hey," said Thor.

"Hello," they chorused back. They were mostly sitting on Steve's bed, though a few of them were sitting against the wall. There was silence as Thor dumped his backpack on the floor. Then they returned to what they had been talking about, and Thor tuned them out. He went over to his desk—and stopped.

There was a two-liter bottle of diet Coke on his desk. Had there been a party in his and Steve's room that he wasn't aware of? It seemed unlikely. Thor stepped closer and examined it. The bottle had been placed so close to the center of his desk it might have been positioned with the aid of a ruler. The seal on the lid was unbroken. As far as he could tell, there was nothing wrong with it.

Curious, he picked up the bottle and unscrewed the lid. He pulled away the lid and heard the  _plop_ of the Mentos too late. He stood there, stunned, as he was sprayed in the face with foaming soda. There was a moment of total silence, and then everyone else in the room broke out laughing.

As the foam fizzled out, Thor wiped his face with his hand and grinned. Then he sat down on his bed and laughed so hard his shoulders shook. The others grew silent. The soda dripped from his hair and sank into the carpet without anyone moving.

"Are you okay?" asked Steve.

Thor shook his head, still laughing. "I'm fine," he managed to say. He wiped his eyes and calmed down enough to speak. "You know," he said, still smiling, "I can remember when I was—oh, ten years old, maybe. I walked up to my room and there was this brand new tennis ball just sitting in the exact center of the doorway. I didn't own a new tennis ball, and I didn't know what to think. I picked it up, and of course Loki had attached some fishing line to it, and the next thing I knew, a bucket of water had just been dumped on my head." Thor grinned.

"I was really angry. I said to him, 'Why did you put it in the exact center of my doorway? It was way too obvious.' He smiled at me and said, 'That's why you fell for it. If I had put it a little to the left, you wouldn't have touched it.' Loki made sure I knew I had no one but myself to blame." He chuckled and looked up at his friends. "If I didn't know better—" His smile faded and his eyes darted over to Tony. Tony shook his head almost imperceptibly:  _No._

"It was me, actually," Bruce said. He smiled. "I suggested we call Loki. Do you see how we used the magnet to keep the Mentos inside the lid? That was his idea."

Thor looked at the cap in his hand. There was indeed a magnet glued to one side of the lid. He picked up the almost empty body of the bottle and eyed it. There was a screw hanging from a string that was glued to the bottle.

"The screw kept the Mentos from falling inside until you pulled away the lid," Steve explained.

"How did you do all this with the cap still sealed?" Thor asked just as he noticed the sealed hole in the center of the bottom of the bottle.

"It was a little challenging," Tony admitted.

"Clint and I did that part," Natasha said smugly.

Thor chuckled at the ridiculousness of it all. He raised an eyebrow at his friends. "I'm not complaining, but you called Loki to pull a prank on me . . . why?"

Tony shrugged. "You've been driving Steve crazy with your humming."

Thor gave Steve a wounded look. "I thought I told you to tell me."

Steve smiled. "To be honest, I think Bruce just wanted an excuse."

Bruce made a startled noise and everyone laughed.

* * *

Clint had, of course, taken a video of the whole thing, and he texted Loki the link. Loki was watching it on his laptop, grinning despite himself, when Sif knocked once on his door and opened it. "Hey, are you ready to study for Greek?"

Loki hurriedly paused the video, but Sif had already caught sight of Thor, his shirt plastered to every well-defined muscle in his torso thanks to the Diet Coke, and Loki already knew what she was going to say before she did.  _"Loki!"_

" _Sif,_ this is perfectly innocent, I swear," he said, barely restraining himself from minimizing the window despite what he had just said. "I helped some of Thor's friends play a prank on him! See?" He pointed at the title of the video:  _Mentos and ... you know how it goes._  "Prank!"

Sif dumped her backpack on his bed and came over, her eyes glued to the screen. "Who's Thor?"

Loki froze. Thankfully, Sif was too busy checking out his brother ( _not_ his brother, thank you very much), to notice. "A friend from home," Loki said, and the words slid off his tongue so easily, they might have been true.

_They are true,_ he reminded himself.

"How come you've never mentioned him?" Sif asked. She suddenly peeled her eyes away from the screen and turned to him. "Wait. Where does he go to school?"

"Oklahoma State."

Sif nearly shrieked. The sound she did make was enough to make Loki wince. "I knew it! You did fly to that game with OSU for a guy!" She sat down on the foot of his bed. "Come on, spill it. How long have you had a crush on him?"

To his mortification, Loki felt himself blushing. "I—I don't have a crush on him." He wanted to groan.  _What are you, thirteen?_

Sif was smiling knowingly. "Okay then. How many of those texts that you've been smiling at were from him?"

Loki's blush deepened. "Look, Sif, I know you try to set people up with each other—"

"Loki." Loki stopped and met her eyes. "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you," she said seriously. "I just . . . want you to feel comfortable talking to me about stuff like this. If he's important enough to you that you poisoned some poor kid so you could carry water for the football team"—the corner of Loki's mouth turned up slightly—"then I want to know who he is. I don't want to pry. I just want to get to know you better, you know?"

"Okay," Loki said, but he felt too nervous to smile. He shrugged. "I've known Thor for . . . a really long time, so I guess I've never thought to call him a 'crush.'" He licked his lips.

"But you like him?"

Loki looked down at his hands. "Like him, or just want to bang him?" he tried to joke, but it came out sounding pitiful even to him. Sif waited. "Okay," he said, looking up at her. "I . . . like him. And don't even say I should just tell him," he said when she opened her mouth. "There is no way it would ever work."

"You're sure?"

"So sure, you have no idea." He waited for the protest, the "But maybe he's not straight!", but it didn't come. Sif folded her hands in her lap and waited. So Loki told her about how they had known each other since they were little, about Jane, about everything.

It wasn't lying if he forgot to mention the most important thing.


	12. Chapter 12

Fandral, Hogun, Volstagg, Sif, and Loki had decided that they had had enough of cafeteria food and were going to make themselves a proper meal. Considering that they had almost no cooking supplies, the meal could be considered a minor disaster, but it was delicious and more fun than Loki had had in a while.

When the meal was over, Loki volunteered to take dish washing duty, and Sif decided to join him. The rest of their friends disappeared with indications that they were going to be up half the night playing Halo 4.

Loki grabbed a sponge, rolled up his sleeves, and worked on washing the dishes while Sif stood beside him, armed with a dish towel. "I didn't know you had a scar," she said. "How did you get it?"

"What?" he asked, just as he saw what she meant. On his right forearm, there was a large triangle-shaped scar just below his elbow. He frowned and scrubbed more vigorously at the pot in his hands.

"Oh, I'm sorry—is it a sore spot?"

Loki rolled his eyes at the unintentional pun. "No, Sif. It's just a long story."  _Though it was a very short fall,_ he joked to himself with a grimace. He could feel Sif's eyes boring a hole in his head, so he turned off the water, rolled up the leg of his jeans, and pointed to the scar near his ankle left from a compound fracture. "I fell out of a window when I was seventeen."

Sif stared in fascination at the scar. "That's a pretty short story."

Loki sighed. He let the leg of his jeans and fall and turned back to the dishes. "He . . . Thor was there."

Sif's eyes went wide. "Oh."

Loki shrugged and handed over the clean pot. "It's still not a very long story, I guess, but the whole experience was not one I would like to repeat."

"I bet. Jeez. How did that even happen?"

"Surprisingly easily. He didn't push me, before you ask."

"That wasn't the first thing I assumed, but okay." Loki glanced at her. She was giving him a strange look out of the corner of her eye. "Are you  _sure_  it wasn't his fault?"

Loki scowled. "Yes."

"Because you're kind of implying—"

"You brought it up first," he snapped.

"Yeah, and you're the one who told me it was a long story," she shot back. "If you're not going to tell me the whole story, why did you bother to answer my question in the first place?"

Loki glared at her. "He was about to leave me for college and Jane, I felt like I was never going to see him again, and he didn't even  _ask_ if I was going to prom." He was almost shouting, and he lowered his voice. "It's a long story, Sif, because after it happened, after he blamed himself for what happened, it was the first time he looked at me like I was a _person_." Loki was so angry he couldn't see anything, couldn't hear anything except his own breathing. He turned back to the sink, his mouth tight. "Never mind. It's none of your business."

Sif simply looked at him for a minute. When it seemed like she wasn't going to say anything, Loki picked up the abandoned pot and soaped it up again.

"Have you ever thought of telling him that you feel this way?"

Loki's mouth twisted downwards for a moment. "Yes."

"How would you do it?"

His hands slowed as he scrubbed at a particularly stubborn spot. "I would have gone to prom," he said quietly. "I would have gotten a little drunk first, maybe, to have an excuse. And . . ." He couldn't remember where they had held prom. All he could think of was their high school gym, where he had gone to exactly one dance before swearing he would never go to another one. The boys' bathroom was old. The white tiles that lined the floor were slightly cracked, and though they were cleaned regularly, you always got the impression there was dirt in the cracks that wouldn't go away.

"And?"

"I would have kissed him."

"That's it?"

Loki handed her the clean pot. He frowned. "What do you mean, 'That's it'? What were you expecting?"

"That's not a confession," Sif told him. She held the pot in one hand and pointed at him with the dish towel with the other. "That's the coward's way out."

He snorted. "What would you have done? 'Thor, I've always loved you.' Do you what he would say? He  _always_ gives everyone the benefit of the doubt. 'As friends, you mean?' 'No, you _idiot, not as friends.'"_ Loki angrily stuck his hands under the water and scrubbed them.

"What would you have done after that?"

"Never talked to him again."

Sif arched an eyebrow. "Really? You kiss him, and that's as far as your fantasy goes?" Loki bit his lip. "Loki?"

"That's as far as it can go."

Sif made an exasperated sound. "Look at me." He did. Sif crossed her arms. "It's not even going to get that far if you don't do something about it. It sounds like you've liked this guy for  _years,_ and it sounds like it goes beyond a crush _._ I know it's terrifying to be the one to make the first move. I really do. But if you think there is even the smallest possibility that it will work, you need to  _tell him._ Otherwise, you're going to be stuck in this cycle of wondering and wishing for the rest of your life, and  _that_ is more awful than anything you can think up." Her expression softened. "You can move on or you can move forward with him. No more being stuck, okay?"

Loki stared at her. When he didn't say anything, she raised an eyebrow. "Right," he said dazedly.

"Now come on," she said, tossing the dish towel over her shoulder. "I want to get some studying done tonight."

* * *

Sif's words followed him through the next week.  _That's as far as your fantasy goes?_ What  _would_ have happened after that? What if Loki had really told Thor, and Thor had . . . not rejected him.

Loki was walking across campus and squinting in the sunlight when it occurred to him. He had fantasies about Thor kissing him, pinning him firmly to the bed with one hand. But that wasn't what Thor was usually like with him. Maybe that wouldn't be how it really was.

Loki had memories of when they were children, when they would sleep in the same bed. They would be a mess of sprawling limbs, and if they ended up cuddled against each other, it was by chance. Thor had always been very warm.

His firm but gentle touch when he carried Loki up the stairs. The way he made sure Loki's head was supported on his shoulder, or in the crook of his chin.

Loki could imagine the two of them, grown as they were, crammed onto the living room couch. Thor would lie on his side, his back against the back of the couch, and to fit, Loki would have to be pressed against him. Thor would drape an arm over Loki to keep him in place, and then Thor's arm would tighten, pulling Loki against him so that there was no space between them. Thor's breath on his cheek; a kiss placed just below Loki's ear.

Loki stopped walking. He stared unseeing at the ground in front of him. That was how it would be; warm, gentle, without any need for words.

And what if it could really happen?

What if?

_"You can move on or you can move forward with him. No more being stuck, okay?"_

* * *

The semester was winding down when Thor's phone rang with  _Loki_ on the screen. "Are we going on a road trip?" asked Thor.

Loki smiled. He ran a finger down one of the copies of  _National Geographic_. "Maybe next summer. I'm staying here this time."

"In Connecticut?"

"Yes. Sif and I found a place to stay, and there's a coffee place near here that's hiring. She's going home for a couple weeks at the beginning of the summer, but otherwise she'll be here with me."

"But—" Thor floundered. "I thought we agreed."

Loki sat down on his bed. "You do realize that with gas, a road trip would be more expensive than a plane ticket, right?"

"I'm sure if you talked to pa—"

"I don't care anymore," Loki said firmly. "It would be better if they saved the money for later, anyway. Maybe they can still take that vacation."

Thor swallowed. By Winter Break of the next year, he wouldn't have seen Loki for, what—ten months? "You had better send me a letter for every mile of gas I won't be paying for," he said gruffly.

Loki laughed. "I will. Take care, brother."

Thor's arm felt heavy as he lowered the phone from his ear. Loki had called him brother. Why wasn't he happy about that?

* * *

Finals went by in a flash. After school ended, Loki moved into the tiny room he and Sif would be sharing, which for a few blessed weeks would be his alone. In his free time, Loki taught himself Spanish with an ease that would have had Sif raising her eyebrows, and then he started on Japanese. When Sif got back from Nevada, he shifted his schedule at the coffee shop so that most of their shifts coincided. By July, his Japanese was passable and he starting using random phrases around Sif just to annoy her.

One day, he brought a page of stamps and a box of envelopes to work. Service was slow, so when the place was empty except for the two of them, he pulled out the envelopes and a pack of blank flashcards.

"What are you doing?" Sif asked.

"Writing letters." He wrote  _Dear_ on the first flashcard, put it in an envelope, and wrote a number one on the lower right corner of the back of the envelope.

"To Thor?" she asked in surprise as he wrote  _Thor_ on the next one and numbered its envelope with a two.

"He told me to write him a letter for every mile he isn't driving me." The next card contained a comma. "He offered to drive me home, you know."

Sif raised an eyebrow as he wrote an  _I_ on the fourth card. "How many miles would that be?"

Loki shrugged and wrote  _hope_ on the next card. "Assuming we were to split gas, and only count the miles from here to home . . . about five hundred."

_you_

Sif laughed. "How much are the stamps going to cost you?"

_are_

Loki grinned. "I think I can fit ten of these envelopes in a bigger one. So, not as much as you'd think."

_doing_

_well_

Sif smiled. "Clever."

_._

"I probably won't make it to five hundred, but he can't say I didn't try."

_I_

_am_

_very_

_happy_

"I just hope he doesn't lose any of these." Sif grinned. "You could skip one on purpose."

_here_

_._

"That would be hilarious, wouldn't it?" Loki stood back and looked at his work so far.

"Oops, we've got a customer." Sif moved over to the cash register. Loki half listened to her conversation with the customer in case he was needed, but he didn't put away the envelopes yet. Before he could reconsider, he quickly pulled four more flashcards towards him.

_I_

_love_

_you_

_._

Loki tucked the last flashcard into its envelope just as their manager came out of the back. Loki smiled as he put the envelopes away under the counter before the manager could notice. That made a perfect twenty.

Two sets down, forty-eight to go.

* * *

Thor received the first two envelopes at once. He dumped the flashcards out on the kitchen table and realized too late that they were no longer in order. "What's that?" asked Odin as he passed by on his way to the fridge.

Thor grinned as he successfully put the cards in their proper order. "Something Loki owed me."

Loki didn't make it to 500, but he did make it to 200. That was good enough for Thor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're wondering what a compound fracture is—if you're easily grossed out, don't continue reading. It's when a bone breaks the skin. I don't recommend looking it up on Wikipedia.


	13. Chapter 13

Without warning, the summer came to an end. Loki was a sophomore.

Loki had lugged the  _National Geographic_ magazines back to school with him after Christmas break, even though they took up a sizable amount of space in his suitcase. Somehow, he just hadn't been able to bring himself to leave them at home. The had stayed in that suitcase during the spring and through the summer, and he still had them. He hadn't read them, and he had never got around to cutting them up, either; they remained in a pile on one side of his desk for the first few weeks of the new semester, which then turned into the first month, before he decided that he might as well look through some of them.

He was on his back in his bed reading a very interesting article about a cave in Argentina when Sif barged in through the unlocked door. He regarded her over the top of the magazine. Her cheeks were flushed and there was a light in her eyes he didn't quite trust. "Yes?"

"You  _have_ to help me," said Sif, and she shoved a flyer at him.

 _Yale's Annual Drag Show,_ it said.  _Compete for King and Queen next Saturday!_  Loki's eyebrows shot up. "Help you?"

"Yes! I have a waistcoat that  _might_ work, but I'd really prefer something in a darker color. You have one, don't you?"

"I don't own any vests or waistcoats."

Sif rolled her eyes. "Loki, you are such a hipster. I don't believe you."

He narrowed his eyes. "Excuse me?"

She grinned. "Come on, admit it. Is this your closet?" She flung open the doors to his wardrobe and began rummaging through his jackets.

"Hey!" exclaimed Loki as he stumbled off the bed. The copy of  _National Geographic_ came with him, its pages flapping helplessly. A piece of paper fluttered to the floor. At first, Loki thought it was just another postcard insert asking him to subscribe to the magazine, but at second glance he realized it was handwritten. With a frown, he bent down to pick it up.

"Ha! I knew you were lying," Sif said as she turned around with a dark grey waistcoat plastered to her front. "I think it might too big, though. Loki?" Loki's frown had faded from his face, and he was now chewing his lip as he read what was in his hand. "What is it?"

 _Maybe somewhere else you could travel to,_ the note said in a broad scrawl that Loki would have recognized anywhere. He picked up the magazine where it had fallen. It was open to a glossy photograph that took up a full page. The gently rolling hills, dark with clouds, looked almost exactly like the ones he had grown up with. He glanced at the caption.  _A storm gathers just outside Birmingham, Alabama._

"Loki?"

"Nothing," he said, and slipped the piece of paper in his pocket.

* * *

"Why are you doing this, again?" Loki asked. He was lounging on a beanbag chair in Sif's room while she took apart her closet. Hogun, Fandral, and Volstagg were also in attendance. Hogun was sitting on her bed, clearly bored, and Volstagg had fallen asleep beside him. Fandral was seated on Sif's desk chair and was the only one watching the proceedings with avid interest.

It was the day before the drag show, and Sif was still not satisfied with her outfit.

"Because I look amazing in a waistcoat," she informed him, appearing from the depths of her closet momentarily. "You don't happen to have a bow tie, do you?"

"Sadly, no."

"You know I do," Fandral told her.

"Yes, but I'm not sure that purple  _quite_ goes with my look." She pulled out a pair of pants and held them up to herself. She narrowed her eyes at the mirror and tossed them aside.

"I wonder if I should enter," Fandral mused.

"You'd have to shave," Hogun pointed out. Fandral frowned and absently stroked his beard.

"No great loss," Volstagg rumbled, apparently not as asleep as they had thought.

"Oh!" said Sif, and everyone looked up. She held up a long, green silk dress. "I forgot I had this. It was my prom dress." She looked it over, front and back, and then held it up to herself. It was made to hug her waist and hips, and the skirt hung to the floor in folds that almost disguised the long slit in one side.

Fandral looked thoughtfully at the dress, and then turned to look at Loki. "It matches your eyes."

"What?" said Loki, and everyone looked at him. He arched an eyebrow. "I'm flattered, but no."

"You already paint your nails," Fandral pointed out. Loki scowled and curled his fingers into his palms to hide his black nails. "We could paint them to match."

"You'd have to wash the product out of your hair," Sif said thoughtfully. "I have a curling iron, if you'd like. We could even pin it up."

"No, it would look better loose," Fandral said. "And Sif probably has some heels you could borrow."

"You know, I might," said Sif, and she dived back into her closet.

Loki sat bolt upright. "No. Sif, don't." But she had already pulled them out triumphantly. They were gold and opened-toed with little straps. She turned to him, her eyes glittering.

"What size are you?"

_"No."_

"Just try them on!" She looked at his expression and sighed. "You know what, you're right." She set down the shoes and picked up the dress again. Loki did not like the determined look she gave him. "Just try on the dress. If you don't like it, I'll drop it. I promise."

"Deal," he said immediately, and he took the dress from her. Not one to avoid a challenge, he picked up the heels as well and made his way to the bathroom.

Look good in a dress. Ha.

He was taller than Sif, so the dress did not reach to the ground as she had promised. This was a good thing, he decided, since he did not want to trip over the fabric, and Sif would kill him (possibly with her bare hands) if he ripped it. The slit didn't come as high as he had feared, but it was still a little shocking to look down and see his bare leg. The shoes were far too small, but he buckled them firmly over his feet anyway. He unlocked the stall door and tottered over to one of the sinks.

He didn't look good. He looked stunning.

"Fuck," Loki said, and the person in the mirror said "Fuck" right back.

* * *

Thor was lounging in a common room with his friends, all silently gazing at their laptops, when Clint let out a choked sound. Everyone looked at him and he clapped a hand over his mouth. "I'm so sorry," he mumbled around his hand. "It's just—oh my god."

"This had better be good," Natasha said amusedly. She uncurled herself from her armchair and walked over to where he had his laptop balanced on his knees. She looked over his shoulder as he pointed. The corner of Natasha's mouth curled up like she was trying very hard to keep from laughing. "Ah," she said, and in an instant, the rest of the group was gathered around to see. Tony took one look and started to laugh so hard he couldn't breathe.

Thor wasn't fast enough, and he had to peer over his friends' shoulders to see what was so funny. It was Clint's Facebook feed, and Clint had stopped on a picture of a woman in a green dress. Thor looked at the picture. She was very pretty—okay, pretty hot, actually—but he didn't see what was so funny. He looked again.

That was Loki. Loki was wearing a pair of black thigh-high boots under a dress with a slit so high there might have been a hint of thigh.

"You're friends with Loki?" Thor said, hearing himself as if at a great distance, because he wasn't sure he could handle the answers to any other questions right now.

"Uhhh, sorry dude," said Clint, cringing with a chuckle. "You left yourself signed in on my computer and I kinda never signed you out."

"Oh," said Thor. Everyone finally seemed to realize that Thor wasn't finding this as funny as he was supposed to. They stopped laughing.

"Do you want to leave a comment?" asked Clint. He turned around in his chair to look up at Thor. "I, um, already liked it."

"No thanks," said Thor. When Clint continued to look at him, Thor said, "That's okay."

"Maybe you should clarify you're the one who liked it," Steve told Clint.

Clint shrugged and turned back to his laptop. "Sure. I can do that."

* * *

Loki had an unread email.  _Sif tagged a photo of you on Facebook._ Loki rolled his eyes and clicked on the link. Sif had posted a few photos of him on Facebook before, one when he had fallen asleep in class ("You're adorable!" Sif had gushed in the comments), one when she had complained that she didn't have any photos of the two of them together, and one of him in his fluffy earmuffs, but those had both been last year. When was the last time he had even been on Facebook?  _I hope no one was desperately trying to contact me for homework help,_ he thought with a wry smile as the page loaded.

There was no way Sif had taken the photo. He was on the "catwalk" they had set up on some tables for the drag show, and the view was from the audience—Loki would bet money it had been Volstagg who had taken the picture. He was mid-stride, and a healthy amount of black leather thigh-high boot (which he had borrowed from one of Sif's friends) showed through the slit in the side of the dress.  _Fandral and 23 others like this,_ it said. Loki smirked.  _I do look pretty good,_ he thought, and clicked on the likes.

He stared. Thor had liked the photo. Surely Thor was joking, or at least liking it ironically—if he was even capable of irony.  _Don't over think it,_ Loki told himself, and he scrolled down to the comments. There were only a couple, mostly along the lines of,  _Yeoooow! Hot stuff!_ from people he didn't know. As he watched, though, a new one appeared.

 **Thor:** This isn't actually Thor. I'm Clint. We met when you came over here that one time. Anyway, I just wanted to say you look great! (Also, sorry for hacking his account.)

 _Oh,_ thought Loki, ignoring the sinking in his stomach. He quickly typed a reply.

 **Loki:** You're too kind.

 **Thor:** No problem, kid.

Loki was about to close the window when a new comment appeared.

 **Sif:** Wait. Are you the Thor Loki knows from home?

There was a pause. Loki's hand hovered over the trackpad on his laptop.

 **Thor:** Yes? (This is actually Thor.)

 **Sif:** No way. Can I friend you?

 _Good lord,_ thought Loki, conjuring up images of the two of them demanding in unison that he call his parents back  _right now, Loki,_ while Loki pretended to ignore them. _Now I'm going to have to block both of them._

 **Thor:** Of course. I would be happy to be friends with any of Loki's friends.

He went very still.

 **Sif:** Kk, sending the request right now!

Loki distantly realized that he had dug his nails into his palms. A very long time ago, when Thor had first gotten his Facebook account, Thor had sent a message to Loki asking to add him as a family member. Loki had snorted and ignored the message. But because Loki had never outright refused the request, it was still listed as "pending" on Thor's page.

Thor had him listed as his brother.


	14. Chapter 14

One of the first things Sif learned about Loki was that he was very good at lying.

On the first day of Greek—what Sif liked to think of her first "real" day of Greek, the one after she transferred out of the class taught by that misogynistic, ignorant, arrogant asshole of a professor who had asked her to "pull her skirt down, because it's distracting"—Sif decided to sit next to Loki the moment she saw him. He was the only person in the room she could not immediately put into the categories she was so familiar with from high school. His hair was slicked back, which screamed "prep" or "goth," but it was too long for the former and he didn't wear enough black for the latter. His clothes made him look like a hipster, but there was a little too much carelessness in the way he put on his scarf, as if were something he had bought out of necessity and not as a fashion accessory. In fact, despite the amazing amount of care he put into his appearance, he seemed to not care in the least what other people thought about him.

(Nearly halfway through the semester, she came to the realization that this, too, was a lie: he cared more deeply about what other people thought about him than anyone else she knew.)

Sif sat down next to him with the intention of poking at him a little with questions and comments to find out what kind of person he was, and maybe offering him a few kind words if he was as lost and terrified as she had been a few days earlier. During their entire, 15-odd-word conversation before class began, she had been expecting him to smile politely, maybe laugh, and give her the same, forced, friendly introduction she had heard so many times before. But when he met her gaze, she knew she had his full attention, and his answer to her question didn't sound forced. When the teacher spoke and he turned his gaze on her instead, Sif knew that his attention was genuine.

Professor Freya began class by giving them a bit of a history lesson on Greek as a language. Sif found it interesting, if a little more detailed than necessary, but Loki looked riveted.

"English, as you may know, is generally divided into Old, Middle, and Modern English. Does anyone know how many periods of Greek there were, other than Modern Greek?"

The class was silent. Sif saw the flash of the screen of Loki's phone as he looked at it under his desk. The professor didn't seem to notice. His hand went up.

"Loki?"

"Four."

"If we don't count Proto-Greek, yes. How did you know that?" Freya asked kindly. "Did you take Greek history?"

"I took Greek in high school," Loki said smoothly. Sif glanced at him sharply, but there was nothing on his face that indicated he had done no such thing. For a moment, Sif wondered if he had been looking up something else, before she realized how preposterous that was. The professor had already moved on with the lecture, but Sif watched Loki's face long enough to see what might have been a small, smug smile cross his face.

She was certain that over the years, he lied to her countless times, but back then, she kept track of each one as though they would slowly, surely reveal something about him. She found out a few days later that he had not, in fact, forgotten his homework in his room, because she saw the half-finished assignment sticking out of his textbook; a few weeks into their second semester, that he was not taking an astronomy class that conflicted with the fencing class she wanted him to take with her, though his roommate was; and, much, much later, that he was not an only child, because he had a brother.

* * *

Loki managed to avoid Sif for two days. Immediately after he realized that she was going to find out that he and Thor were related, he packed up his laptop and every textbook he could think of and headed for the largest library on campus. He spent the rest of the day in there, tensely waiting for a text from Sif while he worked on his Latin homework, but the text never came.

She didn't text him the next day, either, even though there wasn't much chance she had seen him around; he spent every moment that he wasn't in class in Sterling Memorial Library. By the third day, he was seriously wondering if Sif had even noticed that Thor had Loki listed as his brother. Even if she hadn't noticed, how could she have missed that they had the same last name?

Loki stopped by his room after class just to pick up some things to take to the library, but he had barely repacked his messenger bag with what he needed before there was a knock on his door. He paused. He knew who it was without looking through the peephole, and there would be no use in pretending he wasn't there; she had almost certainly waited until she knew he would be in his room before stopping by. He stared at his desk without seeing it, trying to breathe evenly, calmly. It felt as though something had lodged in his throat, and it was hard to swallow. He slung his bag over his shoulder and took a deep breath.

Sif didn't so much as blink when he opened the door. "Let's go shoe shopping," she said.

Loki looked at the set of her mouth and her no-nonsense ponytail. There was a hard, will-not-take-no-for-an-answer look in her eyes that he did not like one bit. "I was just on my way to the library," he said, hefting his messenger bag a little higher on his shoulder as proof. "You should ask Fandral."

"I don't want to go shopping with Fandral." She pulled a ring of car keys out of her pocket and held them up. "I've already asked to borrow Hogun's car. Let's go."

Loki schooled his expression into something unimpressed, but it was an effort to keep his breathing even. None of his excuses would work on Sif when she was like this, he knew; Sif was one of the most stubborn people he had ever met. "Alright," he said, and he put his messenger bag back in his room.

Hogun's car was an old van that had belonged to his family for years before they gave up on it and passed it along to him just before freshman year. It was the only car Loki's group of friends had between the five of them, and Hogan let them borrow it whenever they wanted as long as they paid for gas. Sif borrowed it by far the most frequently, and she maneuvered it out of the Yale campus as though she had been driving it for years. Loki had no interest in making small talk, so he gazed out the window as they headed downtown.

"Do you mind if we talk for a minute?"

_About how you want to fuck your brother?_ Loki's mouth went dry. He kept his gaze resolutely on the storefronts they were passing by. "Sure," he said.

Sif was silent for so long, Loki wondered if she had even heard him. "You could have told me," she said finally. They passed a shoe boutique without pausing, and Loki glanced at Sif. She was looking straight ahead, and she didn't look angry. She looked . . . worried.

Loki rested his elbow at the base of the window and propped his chin up on his hand. There wasn't any point in pretending he didn't know what she was talking about. "It wouldn't have made a difference."

She nodded once, sharply. They were quiet for a moment. "Stepbrothers?" she asked finally.

Loki felt something clench in his chest and he looked back out the window. "Adopted." He waited for the next question— _Which one of you?_ —but it never came.

"I talked to Thor," she said instead. "Just about little stuff." Her hands tightened on the wheel, then relaxed. "I would never tell him anything you told me," she said a little more quietly.

"Thanks," Loki said sarcastically.

"I mean it. And I wasn't going to, even before . . . I knew." She took a deep breath. "I didn't become friends with him on Facebook to pry. I honestly just wanted to get to know you better."

"Right."

Sif shot a sharp look at him. "Loki, I've known you for over a year and I had no idea you had a brother."

Loki ground his teeth. They were passing through downtown without showing any signs of stopping."Where exactly are we going shopping?"

"We're not going shopping. Do you like milkshakes? I think I want a milkshake," Sif said suddenly. Before Loki could respond, she had pulled the car off the road. She parked in front of a Burger King and got out. Loki quickly followed her.

"A vanilla milkshake, please," Sif said when they went up to the counter. She looked at Loki.

He glanced at her, then back at the person behind the counter. "A chocolate one for me, thanks."

"For here or to go?"

"For here."

Sif leaned against the counter while they waited for their order, though she kept picking at one of her nails. Finally she looked up at him. "You really have known each other since you were children."

"Yes."

"And you never lied to me."

He thought that was a little beside the point, but: "Not about this."

Sif glanced at him, but their milkshakes arrived before she could pursue it further. They made their way to a table at the back by a window. Sif sipped at her milkshake absently. Loki tried his and made a face; it was sickeningly sweet. When Loki didn't volunteer any more information, Sif took a deep breath. "Well, a lot of the conversations we've had suddenly make a lot more sense." She gave him a wry smile. When Loki didn't smile back, her smile faded. "You really meant it when you said it wouldn't work out."

Loki kept his face carefully blank. "Yes."

"And when I told you to move on . . ." She looked carefully at him. Loki swallowed. He knew he should say something, but he found he couldn't speak. "I shouldn't have said that," she said quietly. "I'm sorry."

"It was good advice." Loki's voice cracked slightly on the last word. He cleared his throat and looked out the window. All he could see was the street.

"I shouldn't have assumed it was in your control."

And suddenly, Loki was angry. It wasn't anger at Sif, or at Thor, or even at himself.  _I would still choose him if I had the choice,_ he thought fiercely.  _I would choose him a thousand times over._ "Yes," he bit out as his vision blurred. "Maybe I'll get over it."

"Loki—"

Loki glared at her through his tears. "Why did you bring me out here?" he hissed. "You don't want to hear about it, and I don't have anything to say."

"Because I  _know,_ and you have been avoiding me for the past two days, and if I didn't do something, I was never going to get a chance to tell you that I  _don't care_ ," she hissed back. " _That's_ why we're here."

Loki glared at her, then took a defiant sip of his milkshake. Sif looked out the window and pretended not to notice when he wiped angrily at his eyes.

Sif didn't care. All that time he had avoided telling her, and she didn't care. He took a deep, shaky breath, and felt that everything might be okay.

* * *

Thanksgiving came and went (with another letter from his mother and a postcard from Thor, though no pumpkin pie). Loki spoke to Sif normally for the most part, but he had started to drift away from the group as a whole, and they would often go a full day or two without seeing him. It wasn't personal, he told Fandral when he confronted him about it; he was just busy. They all were.

Sif gave Loki a chocolate bar as an early Christmas present, and he gave her a scarf that was warmer than the silk ones she usually wore. She hugged him to say goodbye before he left, and he returned it warmly.

"I'm glad we're friends," she said to him before he left.

Friends. Sif was the first person who had ever said that to him.

* * *

Odin picked Loki up from the airport. It was a long drive back, and neither of them attempted much conversation. When they reached the house, Odin waited while Loki got his single suitcase out of the trunk, then opened the door and stepped inside. "We're home," he called as Loki came up behind him. Loki stepped inside and looked around, but Frigga and Thor were nowhere to be seen. There was a thump from the direction of the kitchen, and Thor came barreling through the doorway.

"Loki!" Thor yelled, and threw his arms around his brother. Loki barely had time to return the hug with one arm before Thor had pulled back and was grinning at him. "Ma and I have been baking pies, and you're not allowed to go into the kitchen. Let me get that." He took Loki's suitcase out of his hand and rolled it over to foot of the stairs.

"Why can't I go in?" Loki asked as he headed straight towards the kitchen door.

"They're not done yet," Thor replied, and before Loki knew what was happening, Thor had wrapped a bandana over his eyes. Loki immediately reached up and tugged at the cloth, but Thor brushed his hands away. "Let's go into the dining room," he said next to Loki's ear, and then Thor's hand was on his back, gently pushing him forward.

"What's all the secrecy for?" Loki asked as he held his hands out in front of him. Thor turned him slightly at the last moment, and Loki barely avoided running into the doorframe.

"I have finally learned how to make a pumpkin pie as good as ma's," Thor said. "You are going to be our taste-tester to determine if I have actually succeeded."

Loki snorted. "When your cooking skills have matched ma's will be the day the world ends."

Frigga laughed somewhere to his right—probably the kitchen. "You're too nice to your mother. Thor, sit him down at the table."

Thor maneuvered him around a chair and pushed on his shoulders to get him to sit down. "Is this a double blind test?" Loki asked.

"For Thor and your father it is," Frigga said, much closer now. "Not for me, though. Odin, would you like to participate?"

"It wouldn't be fair," Odin rumbled nearby. "I would be able to identify your pumpkin pie anywhere." There was a soft sound as he pecked her on the cheek.

Loki started slightly at the sound of a chair scraping next to him, but then Thor sat down in it and Loki relaxed. There was the clink of plates as Frigga placed two in front of Loki. "Fresh out of the oven," Frigga told him, and then she moved away.

"Open up," said Thor. Loki had barely opened his mouth to protest when a fork with a bite of pumpkin pie on it was pressed against his lips.

Loki accepted the offering and chewed the pie thoughtfully. It tasted strongly of cinnamon, but he could detect a hint of nutmeg. He swallowed. "Hmm," he said.

"Well?" said Thor.

"Let him try the other one," Frigga said.

Thor dutifully cut off a bit of the other slice of pie and pressed it to Loki's lips, a little more eagerly this time. Loki grabbed Thor's wrist before he accidentally stabbed Loki with the fork tines, and then he paused. His lips curled into a smile. "Too much cinnamon as always, Thor," he said, and bit into the pie.

Frigga laughed while Thor made an indignant noise. "You can't tell that just from  _smelling_  it. That wasn't mine! Was it, ma? Was it?"

Loki swallowed and grinned. "Of course it was. You didn't think you could fool me, did you?"

"Loki was right," Frigga informed her oldest son. "Maybe next time."

"That's so unfair!" Thor cried. "Since when have you had such a good sense of smell?"

The house filled with Loki's laughter.

* * *

Sif learned early on that it was difficult to tell when Loki was lying, but that didn't mean it was impossible.

She had suspected for a long time that there were things Loki did not tell her about his relationship with his friend from home. Every time she had teased him about a special someone, even before she had known Thor's name, Loki had rolled his eyes and said  _"Sif"_ as though he found the whole thing amusing—but in the instant just before he did, his face would go perfectly blank. Even after she had a name to put to the person, even after Loki told her about his jealousy over a girl named Jane that Sif had never heard of, he talked about Thor in a vague way as if Sif had known the two of them all her life. He acted as if she didn't need the explanation of what it meant that Loki had fallen out of a window at seventeen, or why Loki said Thor's name in the back of his throat as if he had said it more often in frustration than in fondness. But Sif didn't push, and Loki never explained.

Sitting at her laptop, a chat window with someone named Thor Borrsson on one side of her screen and his Facebook page on the other, Sif had understood. She had understood why Loki went by Loki Laufey on Facebook instead of his full name, why he seemed to swallow his words when he talked about Thor, and why he had chewed his lip until it bled after he told her who Thor was.

She spoke to Thor during those couple of days when Loki was avoiding her. She only told him things he likely already knew or could have guessed, if he knew Loki as well as she thought he did: that Loki was busy but thrived off the work, that classical studies was his passion, that Sif was the only good friend he had made. That he went to parties but showed no interest in making friends.

And as she continued talking to Thor after she and Loki were on good terms again, and as Thor began to talk to her about things that had nothing to do with Loki, she realized that she was making a friend. 


	15. Chapter 15

For Loki's twelfth birthday, his family threw him a surprise party.

In the weeks leading up to it, Loki used various tactics to remind his mother that he was, in fact, turning twelve soon, and that maybe he should invite some of his friends over, even if he wasn't going to have a proper party. Frigga responded to these oblique enquires by implying that she had already called everyone's parents, and they were all busy right now, so why not have the party a few weeks late?

Even Loki's immense trust in Frigga was tested by this response, and he spent the weeks leading up to his birthday with a doubtful frown on his face. He assumed that Thor and Odin knew nothing, which was a mistake; if he had thought to question his brother, he would likely have been able to pull the truth out of him, and then the whole incident would have been avoided.

As it was, when he came home from school on his birthday and was pushed into the dark dining room, he was completely surprised to find himself showered with streamers and confetti. He stared at his family, his eyes the biggest Thor had ever seen them, and then he turned and ran. When Thor went upstairs to coax him out of his room, he found the door locked and thought he heard Loki sniffling. It was a good hour before Loki would come out of his room, by which time all the party guests had left, and another hour before he spoke to Thor or his mother again. The only part of his party he approved of was the cake. It was chocolate and had been made by his mother with the help of Thor, which meant that it was both very good and completely covered in a thick layer of chocolate icing.

(Odin, who had been the one to pick Loki up from school and bring him to the party, did not receive a single word from Loki for a week.)

In retrospect, then, it was surprising that, in the spring semester of Loki's sophomore year (the first semester Thor could drink legally, the semester Loki turned twenty), Thor decided to surprise his brother once again.

* * *

In late February, Loki got truly lost for the first time in his life.

There was a party, and Loki left after Volstagg but before Sif, so he had no ride home. He found Sif to let her know he was leaving and waved off her concerns with an easy laugh. He'd walk until he found a cab. He was pleasantly warm and the cool air would do him some good.

Except it was a residential neighborhood, and there were no taxis conveniently parked at street corners. He wandered some number of blocks before he decided to turn down a street. Then he turned down another, and when he decided to just go back the way he had come, it became very clear very quickly that he was lost. He had left his cellphone at home. All he had on him was his wallet, and money and a fake ID did him no good when there was not a taxi in sight.

Eventually, he found a business district. Dim lights were on inside the buildings' lobbies, and he could see signs through the glass: insurance, dentist, banking. He walked right up to a building with automatic doors and stared through them, his breath misting the glass. The doors didn't move.

He found a pay phone. He stood on the street corner across from it for a moment and simply listened. He could hear the distant roar of many cars on the road, but there was no way to tell how close they were or in which direction. He was cold enough that he was shivering violently even when walking, and standing still was almost unbearable. He went to the pay phone.

Loki fumbled with the coins. His fingers were frozen and his breath misted in the air. He finally got a few quarters in the slot and punched in the number he knew by heart. He waited stock-still in the freezing air, the black phone pressed to his ear, as he listened to Thor's cell phone ring. As it got to the fourth ring, his heart sank and he prepared himself for Thor's voicemail.

"Hello?"

Loki blinked. Thor's voice was rough, as though he had just woken up. It had to be nearly 2 a.m., which mean for Thor it would be about one in the morning. And Thor had answered.

"Hello?" Thor said again, sounding a little more awake.

"Hi," said Loki. He watched his breath turn white in front of him with distant fascination.

There was a pause. "Brother?"

"Yes. It's me."

"Where are you calling from?" There was a rustling of blankets. "Are you okay? Is something wrong?"

Loki smiled despite himself, his dry, chapped lips cracking with the movement. "Nothing's wrong. I was just at a party and wanted some fresh air. I'm calling from a pay phone."

"A party on a Wednesday night?" Thor must have looked at the time, because he let out a muffled exclamation. "Jesus, Loki, how late does this party go?"

Maybe a little later than 2 a.m., then. "It might be over by now. I've been taking a walk."

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yes, Thor." Loki tangled his fingers in the phone cord and grinned. "How was your day?"

"Er. Fine?" There was more rustling like Thor was getting out of bed. "How have you been? I haven't heard from you in awhile."

"It hasn't been  _that_ long," Loki protested.

"Well. Three weeks."

Loki felt guilt twist in his gut, but he forced the feeling down. "Consider this you hearing from me, then," he said teasingly. "I'm surprised you haven't recruited Sif to keep me in line."

Thor snorted lightly, and if Loki hadn't known better, he would have suspected Thor of doing just that. "Fair enough. Just don't call our parents at this hour."

Loki did smile at that, though the smile faded as he realized how long they had already been talking. "I should say goodbye. I'm almost out of time."

Something that sounded like a yawn filtered through the line. "I should probably let you go anyway," Thor mumbled.

"Goodnight, Thor."

" 'Night."

Loki waited for a moment, expecting Thor to hang up. "Thanks for talking with me," Loki said quietly.

"Any time."

Loki hung up and the coins clattered in the pay phone. He looked up at the stars — or the sky, rather. The street lamps shone down on him brightly. He wasn't any warmer, but he suddenly felt that campus couldn't be too far away. He headed towards the end of the street at a brisk walk. When he turned the corner, he saw a taxi sitting next to the curb with its lights on.

"Where to?" the driver asked when he opened the door.

"Yale, please," he said as he breathed on his freezing fingers. He was grinning as the taxi pulled away from the curb.

* * *

It was sometime in March when Sif mentioned it casually, like it had occurred to her awhile ago and she had only just gotten around to mentioning it.

"Hey, Loki," she said in between battles while they were sitting in her room playing World of Warcraft, "what do you think about taking a road trip over the summer? If Hogun and the rest of the boys want to come, we could take Hogun's van."

Loki looked at her in surprise, but she was thoughtfully hacking at a carrion grub that had attacked her and didn't return his gaze. "Why now?" he asked.

She shrugged. "None of us have any commitments for the first few weeks of the summer that I know of. And Volstagg and Hogun are graduating next year, so."

"Right." Loki returned his gaze to his laptop. He always forgot that Volstagg and Hogun were a year older than them. He couldn't imagine their group being split up, but it had to happen eventually. "Sure," he said, and activated a spell in preparation for the next boss they were going to face. "A road trip sounds like fun."

* * *

It was the fourth day of finals week. Loki had managed to get into all classes that had finals on the first three days, so while Sif frantically studied for her last two (two!) finals, he was sitting in the common room with absolutely nothing to do.

"Is that torsional strain or angle strain?" she muttered to herself.

"I have no idea," Loki said helpfully from his seat on the couch, where he was reading Aristotle's  _Nicomachean Ethics_ for fun.

Fandral, who was studying for his history final next to Sif, put down his pencil and sighed. "I give up. Nothing else can fit in my brain."

"We could take a break," Volstagg said hopefully. "There's that new gelato place down the road."

"Yes," said Fandral instantly, and he began shoveling his books and notebook into his backpack.

"What time is it?" asked Sif, checking the time on her phone. She sighed; it was only 1 in the afternoon. "I can't. I really need to study for this."

Loki placed a finger in his book to keep his place. "Half an hour of a break won't kill you. You've been at that all day."

Sif shook her head. "Half an hour will turn into an hour, and I should get this done now. You guys go ahead."

Hogun, who like Loki was done was finals, started fishing around his pockets for the key to his car. Loki found his actual bookmark and replaced his finger with it, then tossed the book on the cushion next to him. "Your tests aren't until tomorrow, right?" he said to Sif. "Come with us and finish studying later." He stood up and twisted, cracking his back.

"We'll bring something back for you," Hogun told her.

"Thanks," said Sif, and she returned to squinting at the pages of her textbook.

Loki wouldn't normally have pushed, but this was  _Sif,_ leader of expeditions and expert test-taker. She wasn't going to fail her finals if she took a break, and (more to the point) the group never did anything without her. "Sif," Loki said.

"Loki."

Loki frowned. "If you  _really_ don't want to come with us now, you at least have to go out with us tonight. We agreed to visit that new coffee shop down the street."

"Well, she actually can't," Volstagg said, pulling on his coat. "She has to pick up Thor."

There was a heavy silence. Sif slowly turned around in her chair and gave Volstagg a look that promised murder.

"What," said Loki.

Volstagg looked guilty. "Sorry, it was supposed to be a surprise. Your brother is coming over on a flight tonight."

Loki looked at Sif. Sif looked at Loki. It did not take long for Loki to figure out exactly what that meant. "You invited Thor on the road trip," he said.

"Yes."

Loki's eyebrows slanted downward infinitesimally. "And he's arriving here  _when?_ "

Fandral pulled out his phone and glanced at it. "In a few hours, actually. I offered to pick him up, but." He shrugged.

Loki whipped out his phone. "Loki—" started Sif, but he had already pressed  _Thor_.

* * *

Thor had not expected that they would be able to keep it a secret as long as they had, so when he picked up his phone and saw Loki on the caller ID, he answered it will only a resigned sigh.

"Yes, Loki, the plane ticket is already paid for," he informed his brother. "In fact, the next leg of my flight starts boarding in" — he glanced at his watch — "thirty-five minutes."

"You're at the airport," Loki said flatly.

"Otherwise I'd have a hard time getting on the plane," Thor said dryly. Loki seemed to mull this over for a moment. Thor, who had been wandering up and down the concourse for some time, paused in front of a monitor and watched the flight information change.

The thought had first occurred to him during Winter Break, when Loki was once again a permanent fixture on the old, dark green couch in the living room and Thor could sit next to him whenever he wanted to. While Loki read silently beside him, Thor would scroll through the news on his laptop or research internships for the summer and turn over in his mind why, exactly, Loki had turned down his offer to drive him home the previous year. They didn't spend much time alone together, it was true; whenever they were home, their parents were around, or Loki would go up in his room and Thor would almost forget he was there. Maybe three days alone together in a cramped Audi was more than either of them would be able to bear. Maybe it wasn't anything personal, just Loki's natural aversion to situations that required conversations, or the awkwardness that came with being brothers who didn't really know each other anymore.

But Thor had decided it was worth a second chance, so he had talked it over with Sif, and she had suggested it to Loki. Deciding to surprise Loki had, perhaps, been the worst decision Thor had made all year. Loki did not deal well with being surprised or tricked, even though he did both to others all the time. But Thor had risked it because he remembered the look of surprised joy on Loki's face when Thor offered to drive him home the first time; when Loki had come home from school to find Thor, back from college for the first time, waiting for him; and, a very long time ago, when Thor had promised that he would always be there for his brother, even though Loki was adopted, even though Loki might not always be there for him.

"We'll talk when you get here," Loki said finally, and then he hung up.

* * *

When Sif picked Thor up from the airport, it was the first time they had seen each other in person. He recognized her instantly, and from the way she was grinning, she had recognized him, too. Even with the heels on her leather boots, her chin barely reached his shoulder when they hugged. "It's good to meet you," Thor rumbled, and she laughed as she pulled away.

"It's good to meet you, too," she said, creases forming around her eyes with the force of her smile.

They talked mainly about Loki on their way to where she had parked. Sif apologized for letting the surprise slip while Thor assured her that he didn't mind, and they agreed that it had still been a surprise, anyway, which was what counted.

"Would you mind if we stopped at a grocery store before we get there?" Thor asked as she maneuvered her way out of the airport parking structure. "Even a 7-11 would be fine."

Sif looked at him in surprise. "Sure," she said. "There's one on the way."

When Thor came back to the car with a six-pack of Sprite in his hands, he didn't miss the incredulous look Sif gave him. She managed to drive out of the parking lot and through two intersections with only a few glances at the green cans of soda before she couldn't take it anymore. "I'm pretty sure Loki doesn't drink soda," she said.

Thor smiled and leaned back in his seat. "He does sometimes."

Though Thor gazed out the window for much of the drive, he barely paid attention to the view, and he barely saw Yale as they walked through campus towards the residential buildings. He got a few curious looks from passersby, which he returned with warm smiles. He knew he looked silly walking intothe dorms with a suitcase rolling along behind him and a six-pack of soda under one arm, but in the fresh evening air, he couldn't bring himself to care.

Sif's room was on the ground floor, down a long hall and around a corner. The dorm smelled like dorms do; a little musty, a little like someone had tried to vacuum it recently and just stirred up all the dust. As they passed one hall which Sif didn't turn down, she gestured towards it and said, "Loki's room is down there." Thor glanced quickly down the hall, but then they were past it, and before long they had arrived at Sif's room.

Thor found that he was strangely calm despite the way his pulse quickened at the thought of walking through that door. It was done; he was here; Loki would be angry at him or not, and there wasn't anything he could do to change that. So after Sif opened the door and went inside, Thor followed her.

Loki was sitting half turned in the desk chair, one arm resting on the back of it. When the door opened, he stood and crossed his arms. Sif's friends were arrayed about Sif's small room, two sitting on the bed and one standing. None of them spoke.

There was a moment of silence as the two brothers looked at each other. Loki's mouth was a thin, unreadable line. His hair, slicked back as always, had grown since Christmas, and it now brushed his shoulders. Had he grown, too? He looked taller than he had the last time they had seen each other, but Thor couldn't be certain. Thor's gaze shifted from Loki's shoulders back to his eyes. Loki was watching Thor carefully, but he didn't look angry; if anything, he looked wary, like Thor was the one who might do something unexpected.

Thor, who had been holding the pack of Sprite at his side, let it dangle from one finger and extended it toward him. Loki glanced at the Sprite, then arched an eyebrow at Thor. Thor didn't move, so Loki stepped forward and took the Sprite. He broke off a can. There was a hiss as Loki pressed down on the tab and opened it. He took a sip of the Sprite, swallowed it, and looked back at Thor. Thor smiled slightly, unconsciously, and tilted his head in a silent enquiry:  _Well?_

Loki lowered the can from his lips and pursed them. "Alright," he said. "I forgive you."

Thor grinned and closed the distance between them in one stride. He put his hand on the back of Loki's neck and pulled their heads close together. "It's good to see you," Thor said. He had a split second to see Loki's eyes widen into something almost vulnerable before he pulled Loki into a firm hug. Thor felt Loki curl one arm around his back while the other kept the Sprite between them and close to his chest. Loki bent his head forward slightly, just enough to press his chin into Thor's shoulder, and then they pulled apart.

"The flight was okay?" Loki asked. Though he wasn't smiling, his gaze was lighter than it had been a few moments ago, and Thor grinned. His fingertips were tingling, and it took him almost a moment too long to let go of the back of Loki's neck.

"Yeah, it was fine, just a little long. I could have done without the two layovers."

Loki tilted his head. "There were no direct flights from the middle of nowhere to here, you mean?"

Thor laughed, and Loki hid his answering smile behind the can of Sprite. Sif was suddenly at Thor's side. "Have you met everyone?" she asked, and then everyone was introducing themselves at once. Loki watched, sipping the Sprite from time to time, and still holding the rest of the cans by their plastic strap in one hand.

Sif clapped her hands together when everyone had finished talking. "Well," she said, "I think it's just about time for dinner. Thor, we're going to show you some fine cuisine." She winked at him and everyone laughed. "Are you okay with pizza?"

Thor grinned and propped his suitcase up near the door. "I couldn't be happier."

(Thor, Loki knew, always told the truth; and as Thor passed him on his way out the door, Loki was smiling.)

* * *

Even after the pizza had become just crumbs on their plates, everyone had something to ask Thor. They wanted to know what Thor's school was like, what Loki had been like as a kid, and exactly where in Alabama they had lived (even though none of them had ever heard of it). Thor, of course, lived for moments like this, and he provided as much entertainment as they could ask for.

"So what was up with the Sprite?" Fandral finally asked. There was a chorus of agreement.

Thor chuckled. "It's the only soda Loki will drink."

"What Thor doesn't want to admit," Loki drawled from beside him, "is that it's the only soda that makes him feel sick."

"What?" exclaimed Sif. "Sprite is the blandest soda out there!"

Thor smiled ruefully. "And therein lies the problem. Our mother used to give it to us whenever we were feeling sick, to settle our stomachs."

"I know you wouldn't guess it to look at us now," Loki said, and the brothers exchanged glances, "but Thor was sick far more frequently than I was. Ma bought a six-pack of Sprite once a month just for him."

Thor nodded and made a face. "It reminds Loki of home; it reminds me of being sick." Everyone chuckled.

Fandral sat up straighter, as if something had just occurred to him. "You must know some embarrassing stories about Loki," he said to Thor. He rubbed his hands together and grinned, and the rest of them laughed.

Loki's smile dropped from his face.

"Oh, I know a few," Thor said, chuckling. "Mostly ones from when we were little."

Fandral leaned in, his eyes glinting. "Don't tell me he wet the bed."

Thor laughed. "Nothing like that," he assured Fandral while Loki's ears turned red. "More like . . . the first time he came with ma to pick me up from kindergarten."

"Well?" said Sif, nudging him with her elbow.

Thor folded his hands on the table in front of him and sat a little straighter. "Loki had come with our mother to drop me off and pick me up from kindergarten before, of course, but they had never come inside the building. My teacher always made sure we were packed up and ready to go at the end of the day, and we would go outside to meet our parents. On Valentine's Day, though, cleanup took longer than usual, so ma and Loki came inside looking for me. Since it was Valentine's Day—"

"Wait," said Loki, who had been gradually looking more and more surprised as the story went on. "I don't remember this."

Thor smiled slightly. "I wouldn't expect you to. You were only, what? Four?"

"But I've never heard it before," Loki insisted. "What happened?"

Thor gave him a look that on anyone else would have been a smirk. "You're going to find out."

"Rule One of embarrassing stories," Fandral said, leaning towards Loki. "The embarrassee can't interrupt the embarrasser."

Loki opened his mouth, then closed it again and leaned back in his chair, but he didn't look thrilled. Thor smiled and continued.

"Since it was Valentine's Day, we had spent the whole afternoon decorating, and I was covered in glitter and glue. Loki wanted to know what was going on, so our mother explained what a valentine was and how to make one while the teacher helped me wash up. I heard Loki ask, 'But how do you know who to give one to?' Ma said, 'You give one to the person you care about most in the world, but Thor gave one to everyone in his class since they are all his friends.' Loki got very quiet, which at that point in his life meant he was planning something"—that got some chuckles—"and he didn't say a word the whole way home.

"When we got back to the house and ma let Loki out of his carseat, he walked straight into the house without waiting for us and rifled through ma's desk." Everyone smiled like they knew where the story was going. Loki sank farther down in his chair. "He spent the rest of the day drawing things on scraps of paper, and frowning at them, and throwing them away. Finally, just before dinner—remember, he had spent  _hours_ on this thing—he came up to me where I was watching TV on the couch and handed me this oddly shaped circle of paper. 'I made it,' he said seriously, and then he turned around and walked away." Thor grinned at the memory. "It was just this little piece of yellow copy paper, and he had written 'Loki' on it, and then drawn this little lopsided heart on the back."

"I didn't," said Loki, looking so shocked Volstagg burst into laughter.

"You did," Thor assured him. "I still have it."

Loki stared at him, mortified, and slowly turned red. Everyone laughed. "I bet you can top that," Hogun said to Loki.

Loki covered his eyes with one hand, his cheeks flaming. "I don't think I can," he mumbled, and Sif said, "Aww," and Thor pulled him into a one-armed hug and laughed.

* * *

Thor slept on the couch in the common room that night. After the others had left, while he was still combing through his suitcase for his toothbrush, Loki appeared in the doorway. He leaned against the doorjamb, arms crossed, until Thor looked up. He wasn't smiling, but there was that light expression on his face again, like everything was alright.

"Come to say goodnight?" Thor asked.

"Yes," Loki said. His mouth twitched. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight," Thor replied. Loki turned and walked away. "Sleep well," Thor called after his brother.

"You too," Loki called back.

Thor slept well that night, and if he hadn't been woken by the sounds of college students getting ready for early finals, he would have slept until noon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been wanting to write the road trip since I started this fic, so I'm very excited about the next few chapters! ;) I hope you're all enjoying the ride so far.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is exactly a year to the day since I last updated. I am sorry for the delay, which is what it was; it never even occurred to me to give up on this story. All I can say is that life happens. If you’re a returning reader, hopefully this chapter will ease you back into the story. You can always contact me here or on my [Tumblr](http://unnecessaryligatures.tumblr.com). 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has commented on this story. I do appreciate all of your comments, even if I don’t respond.

Thor woke up slowly, his mind a fog of half remembered conversations. When he opened his eyes, he discovered without surprise that he was sleeping on an unfamiliar couch. He dimly thought he should be alarmed he didn’t recognize where he was, but it was difficult when he was so comfortable. A person, clearly a student, walked through the room in front of him and gave him a wary glance. 

Yale. Of course. 

Thor sat up and ran a hand through his hair. He picked his phone off the floor at his feet and checked the time. It was 8:04 in the morning. Time to get up. 

He wandered through the halls, unconcerned by the glances he got for walking around in only his boxers and a t-shirt. The sight was probably familiar enough, even if he wasn’t. He found his way to Loki’s room half by memory and half by chance. He paused outside the door, listening, but he couldn’t hear any movement inside. He knocked, once. 

A man Thor didn’t recognize opened the door — dark hair, dark skin, golden-hazel eyes. Thor blinked; then, “Heimdall.” 

“You must be Thor.” 

“I hope I didn’t wake you,” Thor said, even though it was clear he hadn’t, since Heimdall was fully dressed. 

Without bothering to respond, Heimdall moved away from the doorway just as Loki appeared in it. Loki was also fully dressed, and it looked like he had been for some time. “Please tell me you remembered a toothbrush,” he said by way of greeting. His gaze leapt down to Thor’s chin, then back to his eyes. 

“Good morning. And yes, I brought a toothbrush.” Thor ran his thumb absently along the edge of his jaw and found what Loki had been looking at. Thick stubble bent under his thumb; he needed to shave. “Do you happen to have any shaving cream?” 

Loki clucked his tongue, but he moved away and Thor heard the sounds of him rummaging through a drawer somewhere. Taking this as the closest thing to an invitation he was going to get, Thor stepped into the room. Star charts and a galaxy sprawled across one wall, and for a moment, Thor thought they were Loki’s; but Heimdall was packing clothes into the suitcase open on the bed underneath them. 

Loki reappeared and pressed a can of shaving cream into his hand. “Bathroom’s down the hall, to the left. I’ll meet you in the kitchen by the common area.” 

“Right.” Thor only had time to take in a dark green bedspread and a cluttered desk on Loki’s side of the room before Loki was pushing him back to the doorway. “Have you packed at all?” 

Loki rolled his eyes. “Put some clothes on.” He gave Thor a last shove to get him out of the room, and then he disappeared behind the door again. 

Heimdall walked towards Thor again and extended his hand. “I’m leaving in a few hours, so you can sleep on my bed tonight.” 

Thor grasped his hand. “Thanks,” he said in surprise, just as Loki said, “He won’t need it.” Thor gave Heimdall a lopsided smile in apology. Heimdall returned his gaze, and Thor got the distinct feeling that he could see right through him. “It was nice to meet you,” Thor said, releasing his hand.

Heimdall inclined his head. “I like your radio show.” 

Thor blinked, but before he could respond, Loki called, “Go take a shower, Thor!” and nudged the door with his foot, closing it in his face. 

Thor went back to the common room to grab a set of clothes, a towel, and miscellaneous toiletries from his suitcase. The bathroom wasn’t hard to find. A few of the sinks were taken up by people shaving or brushing teeth, and his lack of proper clothing got fewer glances there. 

The showers were clustered together at the back of the bathroom. Most of them were already running. The steady hiss of the water and the steam gathering at the ceiling were comforting. He stepped into an empty one and pulled the curtain closed behind him. As he stripped and stepped under the water, he tried to remember if there had been any discussion of what the plan was for that day. He had thought they weren’t leaving until the next day, but Loki had made it sound like that might not be the case. If they were leaving that afternoon, Loki still had to pack, and they had to pack up the car . . . Where were they getting lunch? 

Thor’s stomach tightened uncomfortably in response to that thought, and he sincerely hoped he wasn’t going to have to find the dining hall on his own. 

Thor wasn’t one to luxuriate in long, hot showers the way Loki did, but even so, the water was running cold before he had a chance to do much more than soap up his hair. He rinsed off quickly, turning his face into the spray. The shock was refreshing. He dressed, then draped his towel over his shoulders and stepped out of the shower. As he walked towards the sinks, he passed by one of the occupied showers. Under the curtain, he caught a glimpse of a pair of pale ankles stepping out of dark, narrow jeans. 

Something hot flared in Thor’s throat and burned in his stomach. He was absolutely sure it was Loki. 

* * *

 

By the time Thor shaved, packed everything back in his suitcase, and made it to the kitchen, Loki was sitting at the small kitchen table with a cup of tea and a book in front of him. He had one leg pressed to his chest, his chin resting on his knee while he read, and his other foot on the floor. His hair was damp. He glanced up when Thor entered the room. 

“Good morning,” Thor said for the second time.  

“Good morning,” Loki replied this time. He returned to his book. “There’s milk on the top shelf.” 

Thor opened the refrigerator and peered inside. He noted that Loki hadn’t said whether the milk was _his,_ but he decided he would rather not find out. He extricated the milk from its place between an unwrapped stick of butter and a rotting tomato and pulled it out of the fridge. Loki didn’t offer any further instructions, so Thor opened the cupboards until he found a bowl and spoon and that looked suitable, and a box of Cheerios with Loki’s name scrawled on it in black Sharpie. He poured himself a generous bowl and sat down next to Loki with a sigh. 

It was quiet except for the clink of Thor’s spoon against the side of the bowl. Every now and then there was the sound of quiet voices in the hall or the slam of a door, but the morning rush had died down and everyone seemed to be in class, at the library, or asleep. Loki had clearly finished his breakfast some time ago, likely before Thor had woken up. He had always been an early riser. 

“What are you reading?” Loki tilted the book up so Thor could see the title, then returned it to the table. “ _The Odyssey?_ Didn’t we read that in high school?” 

Loki shot Thor an amused glance, then pushed the book towards him so that he could see that it was, in fact, written in Greek. 

“Ah,” Thor said with exaggerated clarity, and Loki bit back a smile. Thor scooped up another spoonful of Cheerios and chewed them thoughtfully. “So you did decide to become a classics major.” 

“Yes.” Loki’s gaze was back on the text in front of him. His dark lashes were clearly visible against his pale skin. Even as he spoke, his eyes scanned the lines. 

“Why?” 

Loki’s eyes stilled, then flicked towards him again, this time without amusement. “Because I like the classics, Thor.”

Thor nodded and returned to his cereal. He didn’t know why Loki was so reticent when it came to what he was studying. Of course there wasn’t much money in it, but Loki had never been one to base his decisions on what other people thought he should want. 

Thor finished off his cereal. As he stood, Loki put his bookmark between the pages of his book and closed it. “Sif won’t be done with finals until one, so we’ll pack up the car without her,” Loki said as Thor walked to the sink. 

“Sounds good.” He washed the bowl, then dried it and put it away. When he turned around, Loki was watching him. “What do we do until then?”  

Loki stood in a smooth movement and tucked his book under his arm. There was something warm in his eyes Thor hadn’t seen in a long time. “Come on. I’ll show you around.” 

* * *

 

It was still early enough that the light on Yale’s lawns was thick and golden. The silence between them was comfortable as they walked out from the dorms and wound their way through a more peaceful part of campus. Loki seemed unconcerned by the way Thor’s gaze rested on him, so Thor let himself study the way Loki’s hair fell over his shoulders. He had changed a great deal since Thor had seen him last — or at least, changes that had been a long time coming were no longer hidden by familiarity. Loki strode with long, purposeful steps. Like Thor, he towered over Sif and the others, and he was losing the slump to his shoulders that he had carried with him ever since someone had teased him about his height in middle school. 

Loki’s thoughts were also on his brother, though he did not give any sign of it as he walked with his gaze on some distant point on the horizon. Loki had always feared, in some part of himself, that Thor would realize Sif was a thousand times better than Loki would ever be, and that Loki would lose both of them at once — but the look in Thor’s eyes when he had walked through the door had made it clear he was not there for Sif; he was there for Loki. Tension that he had not even realized was coiled deep in his stomach had loosened, and for once, he realized that his assumptions were unfounded. 

Now, walking in the cool air, the fire that crackled under his skin when Thor got too close was exhilarating instead of painful. Though he did not realize it, his eyes were bright and his cheeks were flushed, and he stood taller than he had for a long time. 

“I am glad to finally get to visit you,” Thor said. His voice was deep and quiet, though clear in the cool morning air. “I thought about coming to see you during Spring Break last year, but you beat me to it.” 

“ _I_ am glad that we will finally get to see the Grand Canyon. Ma has been harping on me about it ever since I hung up a photo of it in my room.” 

Thor chuckled. “That might have been my fault. I might have read too much into a conversation we had once.” 

Loki glanced at him with a slight smile. “You read too much into everything.” 

“And _you_ are worse at interpreting things than I thought! How did you let Sif fool you for so long? I’ve been waiting for an angry call from you for the past three months.” 

Loki made a face. “You’re all better liars than I realized.” 

Thor laughed. “I learned from the best.” 

Loki glanced at him, something amused in his gaze, then away. “You told our parents about the trip a while ago, didn’t you?” he said, his voice suddenly quiet. “When I called ma, she didn’t seem surprised that I didn’t need a plane ticket home.”  

“I told them over Winter Break after Sif and I talked about it.” 

“After you suggested it.” 

Thor shrugged in acquiescence. “I realized that it would be a nice way to get to know your friends.” 

“And with more of us, gas will be cheaper.” There was a faraway look in Loki’s eyes. “You do make sense sometimes.” 

The question was on the tip of Thor’s tongue: Would he have agreed to come if Thor hadn’t surprised him with it? But he swallowed the words and listened to the leaves of a nearby tree rustle in the breeze. 

“We should get back,” Loki said. They had reached a bend in the path. Loki’s steps slowed, then stopped. Thor stopped as well, prepared to turn and walk back the way they had come, but Loki was standing very close to him. The breeze played with Loki’s hair. There was something calm and immediate in his eyes when his gaze met Thor’s. “Thank you for coming,” Loki said finally. 

Thor clasped him on the shoulder, the heat of his hand burning through the fabric of Loki’s coat. _Whenever you need me, I will come._

Loki nodded and Thor let his hand fall away. They turned and walked back. 

* * *

 

By the time they returned to the dorms, Heimdall’s side of the room was empty. It was clear that Heimdall was gone, and it was equally clear that Thor had been right: Loki had not packed anything yet. Thor, being a generous and helpful person, offered to help. Loki, being a brat, told him to sit on the bed and not touch anything. Thor, being his brother, ignored him. 

Sif popped her head in while they were still in the “taking everything out and throwing it on the floor” stage, which was Loki’s favorite part of packing. She raised her eyebrows when she saw the mess. “If you had done this earlier, you could be showing Thor the sights,” she pointed out. 

Loki arched an eyebrow at the pair of skinny jeans he was refolding. “I wasn’t exactly aware he was showing up, was I?” 

Thor smiled amiably at Sif, who looked like she had something sharp to say to _that._ “I’ve seen as much as I wanted,” he reassured her. “How did your test go?” 

Thor gathered that it had gone fine, though Loki seemed to have a much easier time following what the test had actually been about. Sif disappeared to do some packing of her own before her last exam. Thor, who had been forbidden on pain of death to touch Loki’s dresser, started taking out the contents of Loki’s desk. 

“Do any of these even work?” he asked as he dumped a handful of ballpoint pens that had been sitting loose in Loki’s desk drawer into the bottom of a box. 

“You can never have too many pens,” Loki informed him without looking up from the shirt he was packing into the bottom of a suitcase. 

Thor pulled a pack of index cards out of the drawer and stuck them next to the pens. He turned back to the drawer and paused. There was a small picture frame sitting facedown at the bottom of the drawer. “What’s this?” He turned it over. The frame was black and glossy. Settled inside was a picture of the two of them.

Thor hadn’t even realized Loki had gotten up and walked across the room before he was looking over Thor’s shoulder. “Ma gave it to me.” 

“She didn’t give _me_ one.” 

Loki snorted and returned to the piles of clothes that were spread out on the floor. “When you left, she still had me to keep her company. I wouldn’t be surprised that my departure made her a little more sentimental.” 

Thor examined the picture closely. The corners of Loki’s eyes were scrunched up with the force of his smile. They looked very young. He didn’t remember it being taken, but their mother had taken a lot of photographs of them when they were younger. It had been a long time since she had asked them to pose for a picture. 

Thor grabbed one of Loki’s undershirts _(“Thor,”_ Loki said) and folded it neatly around the frame. He tucked it between the wall of the box and the pack of index cards so it wouldn’t get crushed. It didn’t bother him that it had been facedown in the bottom of a drawer; it was enough that Loki had kept it. 

* * *

 

The rest of the day was a haze of packing and saying goodbye to people Thor didn’t know. At some point, Loki disappeared and Thor ended up helping Volstagg, Hogun, and Fandral load up the dark green minivan with everything that was supposed to go into storage over the summer. It was a _lot_ of stuff. Loki hadn’t reappeared by the time they were ready to drive it over to storage, so Thor hopped into the van with the rest of them. 

“Do you think you’ll live on campus again next year?” Thor asked from the back seat as Hogun maneuvered the van out of the parking lot. 

“Volstagg and I will be seniors, so I think we’re going to look for a change of scenery,” Hogun said. 

“All of us,” Fandral clarified. “The five of us practically live together as it is, so hopefully we can survive a year in a confined space without killing each other.”

Volstagg chuckled from the passenger seat. “If we can find a place that’s big enough, yes, Loki, Sif, and Fandral will join us.” 

“How about you?” Fandral asked, turning to Thor. “Have you graduated yet?” 

Thor blinked. “Me? No. I graduate next year.” 

Fandral and Volstagg exchanged a look in the rearview mirror. “You and Loki are only a year apart?” 

Thor shrugged uncomfortably. “A year and five months.” 

“Loki doesn’t have any other siblings he’s going to spring on us, does he?” Fandral asked with forced cheerfulness. 

“No,” Thor said shortly, looking out the window. “It’s just us.” 

When they returned to Yale, Loki and Sif were waiting for them in the parking lot with a neatly stacked pile of suitcases beside them. It was nearly one in the afternoon and everyone was starving. “Snacks are in the paper bags,” Sif called as Hogun began swinging bags into the trunk. “Those go up front with me. No snacking until after we’ve eaten lunch.”

There were general groans at that, but everyone obediently increased the speed with which they were ferrying bags over to the car. Thor recognized his own carryon-sized travel bag among the others and picked it up along with Loki’s, which was easily twice as big. He shoved the bags into the trunk and stepped aside to let Volstagg stuff his own bag in alongside them. 

Sif deposited her bag on top of the others and slammed the trunk closed. “We leave in fifteen minutes whether you’re here or not,” she announced. “We’re getting drive-through for lunch, so go to the bathroom now if you need to.” 

Thor found a patch of shade to wait in and plucked his t-shirt away from where it stuck to his skin. Even in a t-shirt and shorts, he was unpleasantly warm from unloading and loading the car in the sun, and he was regretting not having the time to take another shower. Loki, who looked like he had just walked out of an air-conditioned room, approached Thor and placed a hand on his arm. “You’re sitting in the middle with me,” he said. “Don’t pretend you’re not going to get carsick.” 

“I doubt we’re going to be on many windy roads today,” Thor said, mostly in answer to Sif’s worried look. 

“You don’t get to argue,” Loki said, and tugged him insistently into the van. 

The reason for this, as Thor discovered half an hour later, was so that Loki would have an easier time stealing half of his large serving of fries. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do have a request: Thor and Loki need to sing a duet at some point. Any suggestions?


	17. Chapter 17

“I can see it,” Thor growled. He glanced to the left at the lights of cars on the freeway that were visible through a thin line of trees. “It’s _right there._ ” 

“And we’re right here,” Loki snapped. It was his turn as navigator, and he and Thor were keeping the others awake with their comments. He knew and he didn’t care. “There aren’t any cops on this road. Just drive fast.” 

They both gritted their teeth as Thor drove through a spectacularly awful pothole. 

“There will be a freeway entrance eventually,” Hogun said sleepily from the backseat. 

“I _know_ ,” Thor and Loki said in unison. 

“If you’d like one of us to take a turn–”

“ _No.”_

Thor and Loki stared moodily ahead at the small area of road that was illuminated by their headlights. Loki drummed his fingers on his knee. It was only the second day of the trip, and they were already off to a bad start. It wasn’t exactly anyone’s fault they were lost, but they had missed a turn that Google Maps had suggested, and then it had been unable to redirect them onto the freeway, and now they just wanted to _sleep_. 

Their plan was to zigzag from Yale to Chicago, meander across the remainder of the country until they ended up in San Francisco, and end their journey in Nevada in a week and a half. Though they pretended Sif’s hometown would be where they parted ways, the group would begin to split up much sooner than that; Thor’s internship was waiting for him in San Francisco. Sif would stay in Nevada, and Hogun had offered to drop Loki off at the Salt Lake City airport on his way home to Colorado with Fandral. It would be a slow dispersal, a gradual goodbye until they saw each other next year, and it was hard to grasp that a whole summer would still lie before them after they had gone their separate ways. 

Loki let out a quiet breath from between his teeth and looked out the window. Tangled branches of scrub and dried grasses flashed by. He was acutely aware of Thor beside him, and had been for the whole trip. He could feel Thor’s eyes on him even when Thor wasn’t looking at him. At Yale, Thor’s attention had been scattered while he took in an unfamiliar place and new people, and Loki had been distracted by the demands of preparing for the trip and saying goodbye to acquaintances. Here on the empty road, it felt like there was nothing between them. 

Loki unrolled the window, and the sudden gust of air made his hair curl around his throat. “Loki,” Sif mumbled from somewhere behind him, but Loki ignored her and rested his arm on the edge of the window. He knew Thor’s full attention was on him now. The knowledge made something hot curl deep in his stomach even as his skin prickled uncomfortably. It felt like there was a lightning storm in the air, waiting to break. 

A rabbit bounded across the road, its tail white in the beam of their headlights. Thor swerved to avoid it, and Volstagg, who had begun to snore, jolted awake with a snort. Loki glanced at Thor. His face was hard, and he was squinting at the road. “Let me drive,” Loki said quietly. 

“You haven’t gotten much sleep.” Thor’s voice was deep and rough, and Loki could hear the undercurrent of exhaustion. 

“I also haven’t driven much today,” Loki pointed out. “This isn’t exactly challenging driving.” 

Thor was silent for a moment, and then pulled over to the side of the road. Since there wasn’t much of a shoulder, this basically meant just coming to a stop. They got out and switched seats. Loki put the car into drive and started them forward. He glanced at Thor. The cool, dry night air tossed Thor’s hair in his eyes, and he absently pushed it away. He was watching the road, but Loki could tell that his thoughts were elsewhere. 

Loki looked back at the road. It was going to be a long night. 

* * *

 

Hogun took the second shift, and when they finally got to a motel near two in the morning, Loki was almost asleep. Thor opened the back door and smiled tiredly at him. He was curled up in the corner and his seatbelt was digging into his chin. “We’re here,” Thor told him. He unbuckled Loki’s seatbelt, then took his hands and pulled him up. “Hogun is getting us rooms. I’m gonna get stuff out of the back.” Loki tipped dangerously froward and Thor caught him with a chuckle. Loki simply stood there for a moment, resting his hands against Thor’s chest with Thor’s hands on his elbows to steady him. When it didn’t seem like Loki was about to respond, Thor spoke. “We’re probably going to get double beds this time, enough for all of us to sleep on one. I was figuring we would share.” 

Loki pushed himself off of Thor’s chest and seemed to wake up a bit. “No. I’ll sleep with Sif.” 

Thor snorted. “Sif? But why? It’ll be just like when we were little.” 

Loki shook his head slightly and began to walk towards the motel. “Because I’m the only one of you who doesn’t want to bone her,” he said dryly. This wasn’t strictly true—Hogun had made it clear he wasn’t interested, either—but it was close enough. Thor had sounded a little hurt, but he would get over it; anything was better to Loki than waking up with his brother beside him. 

* * *

 

The next morning dawned bright and far too early. They all got out of bed and showered one by one. Thor was the peppiest of them all, which made no sense, since he had slept in the car on the way there almost as little as Loki. They had decided to be extravagant and get two rooms, so Volstagg and Thor had been consigned to one while everyone else slept in the other. It worked out perfectly, since Thor could sleep through almost anything and Volstagg snored loudly enough to wake the dead. After they were all awake and dressed, Thor and Volstagg wandered into the other room. 

“He won’t get up,” Sif told Thor. 

Loki was visible only as a lump under the covers and a mess of dark hair on the pillow. “You just need to be stern with him,” Thor told Sif, and he ripped back the covers. 

Loki moaned pitifully at the cold and curled into a ball. “Time to wake up!” Thor said cheerfully. 

“No,” Loki mumbled. 

“Yes,” said Thor, and he grabbed one of Loki’s feet. 

Loki shrieked and nearly kicked Thor in the face. Thor dodged out of the way, laughing. Everyone else watched in horrified amusement as Thor proceeded to tickle Loki mercilessly while Loki writhed and lashed out whenever possible. Finally, Loki sat up and grabbed a handful of Thor’s hair. Thor stopped tickling him. “I hate you,” Loki spat. 

“Ow. Does this mean you yield?” Thor asked, looking at him with a smile. 

Loki yanked up Thor’s shirt and placed both of his freezing cold hands on Thor’s stomach. “Yes,” he snarled, and Thor made a very high-pitched noise. Volstagg couldn’t handle it anymore. He doubled over laughing. Sif wiped tears from her eyes, and even Hogun chuckled. Loki grabbed his clothes and stalked to the bathroom. 

“You know he’s going to get back at you for that,” Sif told him with a grin. 

Thor waved a hand dismissively. “He’ll get over it.” 

* * *

 

They were back on the road after a quick breakfast. The day was bright clear, and Sif, who was driving, hummed along with the radio as they pulled back onto the freeway. Her good mood was infectious. Thor kept an eye on Loki, but he even he looked out the window with bright eyes. 

“Oh!” Sif exclaimed suddenly, and she turned the volume up on the radio. When she started to sing along, Thor recognized “I Got You Babe” by Sonny and Cher. Loki, who was sitting behind Sif, draped an arm over her shoulder and smirked at her in the rearview mirror. “I thought you didn’t sing.” 

_“Don't let them say your hair’s too long,  
‘Cause I don't care, with you I can't go wrong,”_ Sif sang at Loki, grinning. He frowned at her. 

As the voices on the radio sang, _“Then put your little hand in mine,”_ Fandral joined in from the passenger seat and took Sif’s hand in his. She laughed and shook him off. 

“What would you rather listen to?” Volstagg asked Loki, raising his eyebrows. 

“Anything that doesn’t prompt a singalong,” Loki said loudly as Sif and Fandral warbled, “ _I got you to hold my hand, I got you to understand.”_

Sif made a noise of protest, but Fandral turned the dial. He cycled through a few talk radio stations and some static before a woman’s voice filled the car. 

Thor burst out laughing when he recognized it. Hogun was already humming along. “What?” Loki demanded with a frown, looking at Thor. 

_“_ _How does she know that you love her?”_ Volstagg sang in response. 

“It’s from _Enchanted,”_ Thor confided in him. To Loki’s obvious horror, Thor joined in with gusto. 

It wasn’t long before everyone except Loki was singing. Thor jostled Loki as he sang, _“That’s how you knooow.”_ Loki’s lips twitched, but he remained silent. 

By the time “Uptown Funk” came on, the car was in full singalong mode. Fandral and Volstagg clapped enthusiastically in Loki’s direction as they swayed along with the words, but Loki pressed his lips together and refused to give them more than a smile. By the end of the song, everyone was exhausted, and Loki breathed a sigh of relief as “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart” came and went without anything except some humming from the front seat. 

When the first chord of “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” came on, however, Thor straightened in his seat. He knew Loki knew it, because it was one of Frigga’s favorite songs. It had been a frequent accompaniment to their adventures baking and cooking with her. He grinned at Loki and began to sway in time to the tune. Loki rolled his eyes, but a fond smile played on his lips. 

_“Listen baby,”_ Thor sang, his voice rising over the one on the radio, _“ain’t no mountain high,  
Ain’t no valley low, ain't no river wide enough, baby.”_

_“If you need me call me,”_ Loki sang, his voice light and lilting, and Sif whooped.   
_“No matter where you are,  
No matter how far—” _

_“Don't worry baby!”_ Thor sang back. 

_“Just call my name; I'll be there in a hurry,  
You don't have to worry,”_ Loki sang, a smile curling his lips. 

They belted the chorus together: _“Oh baby, there ain’t no mountain high enough . . .”_ Soon the others were clapping along, and Sif was tapping her fingers on the steering wheel. Thor felt lightheaded as his voice blended seamlessly with Loki’s. Loki’s eyes were dark and focused entirely on Thor’s. Something hot burned at the base of Thor’s spine. There was something in Loki’s face that he couldn’t place, and intensity he rarely saw. 

When the song finished, everyone cheered. Loki grinned at Thor, and Thor grinned back. Loki’s eyes were still on Thor’s when “Love Is An Open Door” from _Frozen_ started playing. 

“Oh, no,” Thor said, recognizing the way Loki’s eyes lit up. Loki’s grin turned mischievous. 

_“_ _All my life has been a series of doors in my face,  
__And then suddenly I bumped into you,”_ he sang in a playful imitation of Anna’s voice, and everyone laughed. But when it was time for Hans’s part, his heart still thrumming, Thor joined in. 

_“_ _I’ve been searching my whole life to find my own place_ _,  
And maybe it’s the party talking or the chocolate fondue,”_ he sang, his deep voice warbling in an imitation of Hans’s. 

_“But with you,”_ Loki sang, his voice filling the car. 

_“But with you,”_ Thor joined in. 

By the time they reached the second chorus, the rest of the car had joined in. Thor caught Sif’s eye in the rearview mirror as their voices rose together. He grinned, as if to say, _See? He forgave me._ Sif just smiled and shook her head. 

They stopped for lunch at a diner not long after noon. As they piled out of the car, Thor slung an arm around Loki’s neck. He was flushed and pleased. “I don’t think we’ve sung together since the last time you went to church,” he said. Even as he said it, he knew it was a lie; he couldn’t remember the last time he had heard Loki’s voice raised in song. 

“Liar,” Loki said, and Thor’s heart sank. Loki turned his head towards Thor’s. They were so close, his lips almost brushed Thor’s cheek as he said, “We’ve sung ‘Happy Birthday’ at least a dozen times since then.” 

Thor let out a huff of surprised laughter. “How could I forget? You’re always singing it out of tune on purpose to trip me up.” 

Loki slapped a hand against Thor’s chest. “Stop making me look bad.” 

Thor tightened his arm around Loki’s neck and ruffled his hair. Loki squawked and elbowed Thor in the stomach. By the time Thor let go, he was grinning and Loki was smiling again. 

“How long _has_ it been since you went to church?” Fandral asked. “I just assumed you’d always been a godless heathen.” 

“Oh, I have,” Loki said airily, but the set of his jaw was a little too tense. Even though he didn’t look in Thor’s direction, he must have known Thor was frowning, because he rolled his eyes. “Oh, please. I don’t think the congregation back home would exactly approve of my lifestyle.” 

“That doesn’t matter,” Thor said, his chest tightening, but before he could say more, someone put a hand on his arm. To his surprise, it was Sif. 

“Don’t,” she said quietly, but her eyes were hard. 

Thor hesitated, but Loki had already moved to the front of the group and didn’t seem to be paying attention to him anymore. Thor nodded briefly, and Sif let go of his arm. 

The restaurant was decorated in the style of a ‘50s diner, and Thor’s eyes widened to the size of dinner plates when he saw that there was an entire menu devoted to milkshakes. He finally decided on a malted strawberry milkshake, two hamburgers, and a large serving of fries, while Loki laughed at the expressions on his friends’ faces. 

“Does he always eat this much?” Fandral mock-whispered at Loki across the table. 

“Yes,” Loki replied, and ordered himself exactly the same thing minus the fries. 

Just as Thor’s food arrived but before he could take a sip of his eagerly anticipated milkshake, Loki frowned. “Where’s the salt and pepper?” 

“I’ll go grab some from another table,” Volstagg said. 

Sif looked around the table. “I could have sworn they were here just a minute ago.” 

“Don’t worry,” Thor said, already standing up. “I’ll go ask them to give us another set.” 

The minute Thor was gone, Loki removed the salt and pepper from his lap and put them back on the table. He popped the lid off of Thor’s milkshake and emptied half the salt shaker into it. He stirred it with the straw and put the lid back into place.

“Loki,” said Fandral in horror. Loki smiled and positioned the milkshake so it didn’t look like it had been moved. 

“But your duet with Thor was so sweet!” Sif hissed. 

“I don’t like being tickled,” Loki said, and he sipped innocently at his own milkshake. 

Thor approached, new salt and pepper shakers in hand. “Here you are,” he said, placing them in front of Loki and sliding into his spot in the booth. 

“Thank you,” Loki said, “but I found them. They were behind the napkins.” 

“Ah,” said Thor, blissfully unaware of the horrified looks directed at him as he pulled his milkshake towards him. 

The look on his face when he took the first sip was priceless. 

* * *

 

That night, they stopped for dinner at a pub. It had a pool table and Fandral had never played pool before, so Loki, Volstagg, and Hogun brought him over to the pool table to teach him. 

Thor and Sif remained at their table with a mug of tap beer and a coffee, respectively. Thor chuckled when Fandral managed to put the cue ball straight in a pocket without hitting a single other ball on the table. He didn’t seem to understand how this could be a bad thing. 

“Aren’t they cute,” Sif said fondly. “You know, I heard from a reliable source that Volstagg has a girl back home. They’ve been going steady for a couple of years now.” 

“Oh, really?” Thor eyed the bearded redhead. “I didn’t know.” 

They were quiet for a moment. Fandral scored his first point. There was much rejoicing. “Which one of us do you think will get married first?” 

Thor looked at her in surprise. “It sounded like you had your money on Volstagg,” he said with a smile. 

Sif shrugged. “He seems like the marrying type. Just not quite yet.” 

“Are you seeing anyone?” Thor asked, waggling his eyebrows. 

Sif smiled. “Nope. The rest of us are pretty single. Except for Hogun, maybe; I never know what’s going on with him.” 

“Even Loki? I thought he had a string of boyfriends.” Thor cleared his throat awkwardly. “Or . . . dates, I suppose. I don’t really know.” 

Sif glanced at him. “Well, he’s single at the moment.” 

“So am I. Maybe _we_ could . . .” Thor gestured vaguely between himself and Sif with his hands. He grinned at her, making it clear he was teasing. 

Sif looked like she was going to laugh, but instead she smiled and looked down at her drink. “Aw, that’s sweet. Maybe in another life.” When she looked back at the pool table, there was somethings sad in her smile. “I wouldn’t want to break anyone’s heart.” 

Thor frowned in confusion, but before he could ask her to explain, she stood up and called out, “Hey boys! Let me have a turn.” 

“No way!” Fandral exclaimed with a grin. “You’ll beat me in two seconds.” 

“Can’t know unless you try,” she said, and she took a pool cue from Volstagg’s hands. Thor frowned and watched Sif. He had seen the direction of her gaze. She had been looking at Loki. 

But Thor was almost certain that Loki was not attracted to Sif. He smiled as she pushed him out of the way so he could take a shot, but there was no fire in Loki’s eyes when he looked at her, not like when—

Thor’s palms were suddenly slick with sweat. He recognized the look he had seen in Loki’s eyes during their duet only a few hours earlier. It was the same way Loki had looked at Svadilfari, just once, when Svadilfari had hooked his fingers through Loki’s belt loops at the top of the stairs in their house in Alabama and pulled him close. Loki had looked up at him through his lashes, a smirk on his lips, and his eyes had been dark as he had let Svadilfari kiss him. 

The memory sent a jolt down Thor’s spine. Two days ago, before he had caught the glances Loki had been casting his way, Thor would never have thought that Loki would ever look at him like that. Two days ago, Thor would never have considered what Sif could be implying. Now, watching Loki’s lithe form as he bent down to take a shot, a slight smile on his lips, he wasn’t so sure. 

Thor didn’t do well with uncertainty. He wasn’t like Loki, who could let his choices hang in the balance, never committing to a course of action until he had let all other possibilities wear themselves out. If there was the slightest chance Loki felt the same way Thor did, he had to know. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It feels so good to be writing again, you have no idea. Thank you to SatansSin (AO3), a Guest, NoNN, and GoddessonmyKnees (ff.net) for the song suggestions! If I didn’t use your song or you still want to suggest one, don’t worry; it might make an appearance later in the fic. ;) 
> 
> And a special thank you to nupoxsi (AO3), who suggested way back on Chapter 3 that I have them sing a duet in the first place.


	18. Chapter 18

Thor and Jane had broken up in March of their first year of college. It had been a long time coming, Thor realized when Jane took a long breath and told him that they needed to talk. He loved Jane, and always had, but it was a gentle warmth in his chest that had barely changed since they were in high school. They were best friends, and Thor could never regret the choices they had made that had made them that way, but it was time for both of them to move on. 

“You are one of my favorite people on this planet, and I love you,” she said, her brown eyes earnest on his face. She looked very open and honest in that moment, but there was also sadness in her eyes—not for what they could have been, he thought, but for the realization that this was, in a sense, goodbye. “I have been happy with you, and I hope you have been happy with me, too.” He nodded, his throat thick with emotion, and she continued. “But I think we both know that I’m not the one you’re looking for.” 

“That’s a very roundabout way to say that it’s not you, it’s me,” Thor told her gruffly. 

Jane cracked a smile. She placed a hand on his arm and squeezed gently, the way she did when she wanted to let him know she was there for him. “I’m trying to say that it’s both of us. Neither of us are the kind of people who are going to be satisfied with safe and boring, and that’s what this is.” 

Thor thought he should feel sad, or maybe offended at her blunt words, but the most overwhelming emotion he felt was relief. He answered her smile with one of his own. “And here I thought we had agreed on a house with a white picket fence where I could look after the kids while you went tornado hunting.” 

She grinned and released his arm. “Oh, I still want that. The thing is, Thor, I want someone who will go tornado hunting _with_ me.” 

That stung a little, but he understood. He had never really been able to imagine what living with her would be like; it had always been a haze, a sort of daydream to keep him occupied in his idle moments. It had never been something he had been willing to fight for, and now that she had said that, he realized that it should be. “My parents are two of the most in love people I know,” he said abruptly. “It always seemed like that was what love was supposed to look like.” 

Jane folded her arms across her chest, tucking her fingers into the folds of the knit cable sweater she was wearing. “Me too.” She was quiet for a moment, then looked up at him. “One of my favorite things about you is how passionate you are about the things you care about.” 

He grinned. “That’s my favorite thing about you.” 

That startled a quick answering smile out of her. “Exactly. I thought that was one of the things that made us good for each other. But lately, Thor . . .” She shrugged. “I’ve started to wonder if that kind of passion is what love is supposed to look like, not for your parents, but for us. This sounds silly, but”—she flashed him another smile—“I think I’m more passionate about my research than about our relationship. I don’t want to feel that way. I don’t want to always be putting one over the other.” 

Thor blinked at her. His parents were always so soft with each other, but now that he thought about it, they had never shied away from making hard decisions. They had each had to sacrifice something to be where they were today, but he had never gotten the sense that either of them regretted it. “I don’t think I know how to love someone like that,” he said honestly. 

“You already do.” At Thor’s astonished expression, her smile turned amused. “Loki. I have never seen you care about anything as much as you care about him.” 

* * *

 

Thor’s palms were slick with sweat as he stood outside the door to the motel room. Sif and the others were making an emergency grocery store run, because they had nothing to eat and an early start tomorrow. Thor had started to go with them, leaving Loki alone to watch over their belongings, but at the last moment he had changed his mind. If he wanted to talk to Loki alone, he might not get another chance like this. 

Thor rapped twice on the door, then opened it. Loki looked up from where he was laying out a sleeping bag on the floor, startled. When he saw it was Thor, his expression smoothed out into one of mild interest. 

“I decided to keep you company,” Thor said before Loki could ask. He closed the door behind him. 

“I don’t blame you,” Loki told him as he straightened. “Volstagg and Fandral nearly came to blows once over the merits of Cheese Puffs.” 

“I’m not sure why they couldn’t wait until tomorrow.” Thor put his hands in his pockets and stepped closer to Loki, watching him closely. 

Loki shrugged. “I think they really just wanted to make sure they’d have a midnight snack.” 

Thor took another step forward, his gaze focused on the shadow of Loki’s eyelashes on his cheek. He could make himself forget, for a time, but ever since Sif had let it slip that Loki would be upset if Thor was in a relationship, Thor couldn’t stop thinking about him. Thor was fairly certain that Loki was as close to objectively attractive as it was possible to get; how could anyone not be drawn to the graceful way he moved, or the hidden strength in his long torso, or the striking contrast of his dark hair and his pale skin? 

“Thor?” Loki’s voice was sharp. Thor realized that he had moved very close indeed, closer than he had been planning to. He could smell peppermint on Loki’s breath, but he didn’t step away. 

Thor had never before wondered exactly what Loki would taste like underneath the bite of his toothpaste. 

“I asked Sif out,” Thor said abruptly. Loki took in a quick breath. “I was joking, but she turned me down anyway. She said she wouldn’t want to break anyone’s heart.” 

Thor hadn’t meant to tell him, but it was worth it for the way Loki’s eyes darkened. “So?” Loki demanded, but satisfaction spread through Thor, warming his skin. _Too late,_ he thought. _You can’t fool me._ “I’m sure lots of people would be disappointed,” Loki continued. “Sif—well, I’m not surprised. I know she’s not interested in dating at the moment. But you? Frankly, if it surprises you that people are attracted to you, I’d like to know exactly where you were when gaggles of girls followed you around in high school.” 

Thor took another half step forward, and Loki tensed but didn’t step away. “Maybe she was talking about someone in particular,” Thor said quietly. “Do you know what she meant, Loki?” 

Loki seemed frozen as he stared at Thor. Thor wanted nothing more than to raise his hand to Loki’s cheek and brush his fingertips over his skin. Loki had always let Thor get away with more casual physical contact than anyone else, and Loki had never, in their entire lives, prevented Thor from settling a hand on the back of his neck. He often brushed Thor off quickly, it was true, but he always let Thor’s fingers touch his skin before he did. And what, Thor wondered, would Loki do if he threaded his fingers through his hair instead? 

Thor’s eyes flicked down to Loki’s lips, and that was all it took. 

Loki stepped back so suddenly, he nearly banged his head on the wall in the process. Thor’s eyes snapped to Loki’s in alarm, and he saw pure panic there. Belatedly, Thor realized he had raised his hand. “I have no idea what she meant,” Loki snarled. He brushed past Thor and out of the door. Cold night air swirled in his wake. By the time Thor turned around, he was already gone. 

Thor stared at the closed door without seeing it. He had seen that expression on Loki’s face exactly once before, and it had been when he had been sitting on the window sill, when Thor had been too slow to catch him. 

Sif had been right. 

And suddenly, things that he had simply attributed to Loki being Loki made a great deal of sense. Perhaps Loki had brought Svadilfari home to demonstrate to their parents that they knew nothing about him, but their parents had not been there when Loki had blatantly flirted with Tony like there was no one else in the room. Their parents had not been there when Loki had sneered at Jane in the hallways of their high school with a hatred far out of proportion for the fact that Jane was dating his brother. And Thor knew that Loki never lashed out until he was hurting just as badly, until he had told himself every horrible thing that he could imagine anyone would ever use against him. 

Thor walked quickly to the door, but he knew before he opened it that Loki was long gone. He had disappeared into the blackness of the night, and he would not return until the others did, when there was no chance of being left alone with Thor again. Loki did not forgive easily, and he never forgot. Thor had made a mistake by cornering him, and Loki would make sure that he never had a chance to repeat it. 

* * *

 

The next morning, Loki resolutely didn’t look at Thor. He had gotten little sleep the night before, and he had no interest in finding out if Thor had slept soundly the way he usually did. The others had found Loki perched on the curb at the edge of the parking lot when they had returned with the car packed full of snacks, and Volstagg had been the only one to comment. Sif had given him a worried look, but he had no interest in talking to her, either. 

Once they packed up the car with their backpacks and sleeping bags, Hogun took the first shift driving. Loki quickly volunteered to navigate. It turned out that he shouldn’t have bothered; Thor slipped into a seat at the very back of the car, and when they switched drivers two hours later, Loki had no trouble sitting as far away from Thor as possible. 

They were somewhere west of Des Moines when they got lost. They were near a city, but the cell phone service was crappy and they couldn’t figure out which one. By the time the sun set, they were tired, hungry, and short on patience. It wasn’t a surprise to anyone when Fandral said, “I give up,” and pulled into the parking lot of the nearest place that looked like it served beer and food. 

It was a dingy little place, with tables at the back and a bar that looked like it had seen better days. They ordered six greasy burgers with fries and took over a table at the back. Loki trailed behind the group, and he ended up with the seat closest to the door. Thor sat down across from him. Loki glanced at him, and he was surprised to see Thor watching him, his eyes dark with an expression Loki couldn’t decipher. Loki looked away only to meet Fandral’s gaze. Fandral quickly dropped his eyes, but it was enough to make Loki’s stomach twist uneasily. He had thought no one else had noticed that he and Thor had been unusually quiet. 

It didn’t take them very long to demolish the food, and the older members of the group relaxed as their beers got lower. When it was clear that everyone was fully invested in the conversation, Loki slipped away and started for the bathroom. He was tired of what passed for conversation with them, and the way Fandral kept looking at Thor and then at him was slowly working its way under his skin. 

Once inside the small, one-room bathroom, he braced his hands on the sink and looked at himself in the mirror. His hair curled at his chin. Long lashes framed his eyes, which looked back at him without expression. Most people had a hard time reading Loki, but Thor was not most people. What had Thor seen in his face the night before? Had Thor been able to tell that for a moment, Loki had been certain that Thor would close the distance between them? 

Loki splashed cold water on his face, letting the shock of it wash over him. After only a few hours of sleep and a full day in the car, his limbs felt weak and on the verge of trembling with exhaustion. _You’re imagining things,_ he told himself firmly. _You were imagining things last night, and you’re imagining things now. Thor must have thought that Sif was spilling his secrets to you, that’s all. Thor must have thought that Sif was talking about a girl._

Loki was halfway back to their table when Thor stepped in front of him. “About last night,” Thor began in a low voice. 

“We have nothing to talk about,” Loki said, trying to step around him. Thor immediately moved to block him. Loki sighed, hoping it was enough to distract Thor from the way his cheeks were heating in humiliation and anger. “Honestly, Thor. You’d think you’d tried to kiss me.” 

The shock apparent on Thor’s face was all the response Loki needed. Of course Thor would think that kissing him was disgusting. Of course Thor would think Loki was being unreasonable for even _suggesting_ it.

“We’re ordering another round,” Sif called at them. “You boys want anything?” 

Loki slipped around Thor, his blood cold in his veins. “I think I’ll get something myself,” he said lightly in response. There was a rush of air as Thor reached for his arm, but Loki sidestepped him. The others were watching them, but they were smiling; they were enjoying themselves. 

“You sure?” Sif asked as Loki passed the table, her voice carefully neutral. Loki didn’t bother to respond. 

Loki listened distantly to the others pull Thor into the conversation as he threaded his way between tables on his way to the bar. It took a lot to shock Thor these days, but apparently Loki could still manage it. So what if Thor thought Loki was being unreasonable. Loki had never cared what Thor thought, and he wasn’t about to start now. 

He took a seat at the bar, nonchalantly stretching his back to show off his full height, and he covered the anger simmering inside of him with a bored expression. He couldn’t get away with looking like he was in his late twenties the way Thor could, but experience had taught him that his height and sharp features allowed him to add a couple of years to his age. A couple of years was all it took to put him squarely in the “over twenty-one and therefore legal” age bracket. 

“What can I get you?” the bartender asked. She had thick black curls and soft cheekbones, and there was something about her that told Loki he would not be able to charm himself out of this situation if she chose to question him. 

“Just a Budweiser,” he said. She gave him a measuring look but didn’t ask for his ID, and she returned shortly with a sweating beer. She pulled a bottle opener out of her apron pocket and popped the top off with a hiss. 

Loki didn’t really like alcohol. He had tried every kind Volstagg had bought for them to sample over the years, and the dark beers were the ones that he had liked the most. He could handle the taste, but he didn’t like being buzzed or the way it made him feel too hot. He didn’t get drunk—he had never gotten drunk in his life, and he didn’t plan to. So he took a small sip of his beer and pretended not to notice the man at the far end of the bar who was watching him. Behind him, he could hear Thor and Fandral arguing about the name of the song that was playing. He mentally snorted. If Thor wasn’t straight, as unlikely as that was, Fandral was much more his type. 

“You and your friends just passing through?” 

It was the man who had been sitting at the end of the bar. He was gingerly claiming the seat next to Loki’s. He, too, was nursing a beer, and Loki was fairly certain he had been there before Loki left for the bathroom. He couldn’t have been older than thirty. 

“Yes,” Loki said, meeting his eyes without hesitation.  

He nodded. “Where are you all headed off to, then?” 

“The Grand Canyon,” Loki said, which was true enough, since it was their next major destination. 

His eyes lit up. “I’ve never been. Hot this time of year.” 

Loki couldn’t help the corner of his mouth from lifting slightly in amusement. “I expect it will be.” 

“Where are you all from?” 

“The East Coast.” 

He raised his eyebrows. “You don’t sound like it.” 

Loki smiled, genuinely this time. _My brother and I,_ he started to say, but he swallowed it down. “I grew up in Alabama.” 

“I’ve never been there, either.” 

The corners of Loki’s eyes crinkled slightly. “I’ve never been here before.” 

The man looked at him in mock surprise. “You’ve never been to Colorado?” 

“Never,” Loki confirmed. So that had been the state line a while back; Hogun owed him five bucks. 

“There’s some really nice skiing here. In the winter, obviously.” 

“I don’t ski.” 

“Oh.” He took a long drink from his beer, clearly searching for another topic of conversation, and Loki took pity on him. 

“As you might be able to gather, we weren’t planning on being here tonight, so we don’t know where to stay. Do you have any suggestions?” 

“Yeah,” the man said gratefully. “There’s a motel up the way—a bunch of places, actually, if you just keep going down here.” He turned in his stool and gestured towards the highway, indicating the way they had been going. 

“And you live around here?” 

The man looked at Loki. Loki tilted his head slightly, smiling. The man smiled back, pleasant and languid. “How about I buy you a drink?” 

Ten minutes later, Loki was pretending that his nearly-full beer was empty, and he was masking a look of disgust at the taste of artificial cherry flavoring with a smile as he sipped some sort of mixed drink. Loki was apparently very funny when his audience had half a beer and a shot of something purple in them, which wasn’t an experience he’d had before. He was nearly positive this man wasn’t even close to drunk, but he chuckled softly almost every time Loki said something. Loki had just about decided he was done with this evening when the man leaned over, looped an arm gently around his waist, and whispered in his ear, “What do you think about getting out of here?” 

The only warning Loki had was the sudden stillness of the room behind him. “Is he bothering you?” Thor growled in the sudden hush. The man immediately removed his arm. 

Loki resisted the urge to roll his eyes as he turned in his seat. “ _Please,_ Thor, for once—” 

“If he didn’t want me talking to him, he’d say so,” the man said sharply. Loki hissed in a breath. Thor was standing close to them, his eyes dark. 

“Don’t interrupt him,” Thor said in a low voice.

Suddenly, the man and Thor were standing face to face. “I don’t think you should be telling either of us what to do,” the man said, matching his tone. Loki stared steadily at the surface of the bar, which was water stained and littered with the remains of carved initials. The room was silent aside from the strains of a rock ’n’ roll song coming from the speakers. 

The man must have stepped closer, because there was a flurry of moment, and when Loki looked up, Thor had him by the collar of his shirt. 

“I said, it’s fine,” Loki snapped, fighting down panic. Thor wasn’t looking at him, and the only sign he had heard Loki was a slight relaxation of the muscles of his shoulders beneath the fabric of his shirt. 

“I’m going to have to ask you gentlemen to leave the premises,” the bartender said quietly. 

Thor gave a brisk nod and released the man’s shirt. For a moment, no one moved, but then the man turned and stalked towards the door. Thor followed, then Loki. Loki was distantly aware of the door slamming shut behind them, then opening again. All his attention was on Thor in front of him. In the sudden darkness of the parking lot, he could only guess Thor’s mood by the length of his stride and the line of his shoulders. 

“If I’d known he was here with someone, I wouldn’t have said anything,” the man was saying, his voice tight with anger. 

“You shouldn’t have been talking to him regardless,” Thor growled. “He’s not interested.” 

“Then he shouldn’t have been coming onto me, should he?” the man nearly shouted. “He was flirting with _me.”_

“ _Thor,”_ Loki said, but before Thor could do more than step forward, Volstagg and Fandral moved past Loki and put warning hands on Thor’s shoulders. 

“Don’t talk about my brother that way,” Thor said in a low voice. Fandral said something in his ear, and after a last glare at the man, Thor let him and Volstagg guide him towards the car. Loki followed them, his steps quick as he avoided looking back. 

“Brother?” the man exclaimed, laughing, as they walked away. “You’re telling me you don’t want to fuck him?” 

Loki stood very still. He was distantly aware of Thor stopping dead only a few steps away. Before Fandral and Volstagg could do more than tighten their grip on Thor, Loki turned and walk back the way they had come. The smile fell from the man’s face just before Loki punched him in the nose.  

“Loki!” Thor exclaimed. Loki brushed past him and strode towards the car. Loki wanted to say something clever, something he would normally say, but he was trembling so badly and his skin felt so hot he didn’t trust himself to open his mouth without biting his own tongue. 

_Don’t talk about my brother that way._

* * *

 

Thor was the last one in the car, and he slammed the door shut. “What the hell was that.” 

“You tell me,” Loki snapped. They had ended up next to each other in the middle row, and Fandral was doing his best to squeeze himself against the window and out of the vehicle entirely. 

“I was just making sure he wasn’t going to hurt you.” 

“And how did you know the exact moment he made a move on me?” Loki’s eyes flashed. “Were you watching me?” 

“Of course I was watching you!” There was a muttered, _Oh, Jesus,_ from the front of the car. “It’s my responsibility to make sure you’re safe, Loki, even when—” 

“Even when what?” Loki snarled. “Do you really think I would go off with some stranger in the middle of nowhere? I’m not stupid. I wasn’t going to leave the bar.”

“Then what were you _doing?_ ”  

“Were you previously aware that we are in the state of Colorado? Or that the reason we got lost was because we were supposed to exit on Route 6 instead of staying on the 70?” Loki was furious. “I can look out for myself, Thor. It’s not your responsibility to control what I do!” 

Thor made a frustrated sound and looked out the window. Loki stared at his fingers, which were curled tightly under his palms. The car went over a bump and Thor jostled sideways into him. Loki elbowed Thor away, and he could feel the force of Thor’s glare boring into the side of his skull.  

They made the rest of the ride in silence. Loki didn’t need to say anything before Sif was pulling the van into the parking lot of a motel with a blinking neon sign. Fandral nearly bolted out of the car, and Loki stepped down after him. As the others filed out, Thor stayed in the car, breathing deeply through his nose. The doors slammed closed around him, except for Sif’s. 

“Why does he do this?” Thor asked, looking blankly out the window. He watched Loki’s lean figure disappear into the dusk at a quick pace while the others followed him.  

“Why does he flirt with people for no apparent reason, you mean?” Sif leaned back in the driver’s seat. “He loves manipulating people when he’s bored. How do I know this and you don’t?” 

Thor didn’t think that was the full reason, and he was fairly certain Sif knew it. However, this did not seem like the right time to bring it up. “I overreacted.” 

“A little.” 

“Do I apologize?” 

Sif met his eyes in the rearview mirror. “Has he ever accepted an apology you’ve given him?” 

 _Of course,_ Thor started to stay, but—had he? “I’m not sure I’ve ever . . .” Thor looked out the window again. When was the last time he had openly apologized to Loki? When was the last time he’d had something apologize _for?_ Thor rubbed the bridge of his nose and sighed, the exhale loud in the silence. 

“Do you two ever talk? About anything?” Sif sounded almost annoyed, and Thor felt his own annoyance rising in response. 

“No,” he said shortly. 

“Maybe you should give it a try.” Sif opened the door and stepped out of the car. She tossed Thor the keys through the open door and then slammed it shut. Thor sat there for a moment, turning the key ring over in his hands. He got out of the van and closed the door, then locked the car. 

He could see the soft glow of a lamp from the open door which must lead to their room. He strode towards it. “Loki,” he called. When he reached the door, he found Volstagg inside, unpacking a sleeping bag. Fandral was checking a bed for bedbugs in the corner and didn’t look up. 

Volstagg looked him over once, his gaze steady and unreadable. “They went up to the top of the ridge.” 

“Thanks.” 

Volstagg nodded, then turned back to the sleeping bag. Thor slapped the inside of the doorframe and headed across the parking lot. It was framed on one side by the highway and on another by the motel. At the far side was a ridge that was dense with undergrowth and crowned by trees. A path through the brush was just visible by the light of a lone streetlamp. 

Thor started up the path, the only sounds the crunch of his shoes on the gravel and the occasional rush of a car on the road below. The path was well worn and easy to follow, even where it fell in shadow so deep that the light of the moon failed to reach it. 

Thor found them leaning against a fence where the path ran along the summit of the ridge. The ground fell away to a valley far below them before rising into another hill, and then another. The trees at their backs blocked the glow of the motel, and nothing could be heard but the wind. Thor leaned against the fence several feet away from Loki and gazed up at the sky. “The stars are beautiful tonight.” 

There was a click and a soft glow behind him. He looked over his shoulder to see Hogun lighting a cigarette, sheltering it with his hand out of habit. When Hogun drew away the lighter, he saw Thor looking. He raised an eyebrow, then removed the cigarette from his mouth. He held out the box of cigarettes, smoke trailing from his lips. “Would you like one?” 

“You should offer one to Loki, not me,” Thor said. He glanced at Loki, forcing a smile, but the smile faded from his face when Loki made no sign he had heard. 

Sif leaned over the fence. “You smoke?” she demanded at the same time Hogun said, “Loki doesn’t smoke.” 

“I used to.” 

“When did you stop?” Thor asked. 

Loki blinked, the briefest flutter of eyelashes visible against his cheek in the glow from a city far below. He tilted his head back, looking at the sky. “You know when.” 

And Thor could see Loki breathing out white smoke, tapping a cigarette on the edge of the window sill, the glowing embers tumbling over the edge. He remembered the medicine cabinet, suddenly full of pain meds with enough side effects to mask the symptoms of nicotine withdrawal. With his family watching his every move after he came home from the hospital, Loki wouldn’t have had a chance to sneak a smoke even if he had wanted to. 

He should have realized that in the four days they had been on the road, Loki had never once smelled like smoke. 

“Of course,” Thor said. The deepness of his voice was the only thing that betrayed that it hadn’t been obvious, not to him, not until now. He put his hands in his pockets and looked out at the tree line, which was blending with the sky as evening faded to night. His heart ached. How much else had he missed? Had he always been this blind? 

“When?” Sif asked. She was nearly doubled over the fence in her attempt to see Loki. 

“Before I met you all.” Loki’s eyes were dark as they met Thor’s. He tilted his head, inviting Thor to comment. “Senior year of high school?” 

“Your junior year.” 

“Ah. Yes.” 

 _As if you had really forgotten._ Thor stared hard at Loki, but it was quickly getting too dark for him to see his expression. Loki’s gaze returned to some point on the horizon. Suddenly, Thor remembered the rest of that night in startling clarity. He had forgotten about the drive to the hospital. How could he have? The line of Loki’s hair, damp with sweat—

“We should turn in,” Hogun said. “It’s getting late.” 

“And we need to make an early start tomorrow if we’re going to get back on track before noon.” Sif sighed. “I get a real bed. I was driving all day.” 

“And I’ll be driving all day tomorrow,” Hogun retorted as they began to move towards the motel. 

“So will I, unless some of you actually take your turn,” she said with a meaningful look in the direction of the motel. Hogun elbowed her good naturedly. The two of them passed Loki, but he made no move to follow. They started down the hill, and the sound of gravel crunching under their feet faded. 

When Loki spoke, his voice was quiet but clear. “I have nothing to say to you.” 

“I’m sorry.” Loki looked at Thor out of the corner of his eye. Thor folded his hands and rested them on the splintering wood of the fence. “I shouldn’t have tried to control your actions.” 

Loki’s eyes slid away. “You did a poor job of it, anyway.” 

“As always.” 

“Thankfully, for the sake of my sanity.” Loki closed his eyes. 

“You need to tell me when I . . . overstep.” 

Loki opened his eyes and narrowed them at Thor. “My, aren’t you becoming self-aware,” he said, his tone dry and cutting. “Since when have you known I even _possess_ boundaries for you to respect?” 

They weren’t just talking about the bar anymore. “I can’t know anything if you don’t tell me.” Thor knew frustration was bleeding into his voice, but he was so _tired_ of the way Loki dealt with everything. He licked his lips, suddenly hearing Sif’s words: _Do you two ever talk? About anything?_ “Was it my fault you had to walk with crutches?” 

“Was it your fault I fell out of a window.” Loki’s gaze was unblinking. “Was it your fault I was left alone with no friends, was it your fault our _father_ always expected me to exceed your impossibly high example.” Loki looked away, and the strength seemed to drain out of him. “No. It is not your responsibility to feel guilty for what I do to myself.” 

Pain wrenched at Thor’s heart. Exactly how much did Loki blame himself for? 

Loki shifted, and Thor stepped towards him without realizing what he was doing. He froze, one hand resting on the fence. His heart pounded in his chest. Though he could not see Loki’s face, he could imagine every line of it, the curve of his cheekbones, the long straight line of his nose, the darkness of his eyelashes. The air was suddenly painful in his lungs, the cool air suddenly cold, and he could feel he scratch of the rough wood against his fingertips acutely. What he had tried so hard to avoid thinking about for so long was suddenly vivid—what he imagined would be the softness of Loki’s lips, the warmth of his breath against Thor’s skin. 

He slipped a hand behind Loki’s neck. Loki’s head turned towards him, but Thor couldn’t see his expression. “Loki,” Thor said, and he was shocked at how deep and rough his own voice sounded. 

Loki stiffened. He twisted away, and as soon as Thor’s grip loosened, Loki reached up and gripped his hand hard. He pushed Thor’s palm towards the back of his wrist in a painful gesture. Thor’s stomach dropped, and he knew that he was never going to get this right. 

Loki was shaking in anger. “Don’t use your knowledge of me against me, Thor,” he snarled, and shoved Thor back. Thor stumbled into the wooden fence, shocked, and watched Loki stalk away. 

* * *

 

Tears prickled Loki’s eyes as he pushed his way past a low-hanging branch on his way down the ridge. Thor was—so—His fingernails dug into his palms. Did Thor know what it felt like, to be that close to him? Why else would Thor talk to him that way, in a voice layered with meaning that Loki had never heard him use before? Thor must have guessed, and he was manipulating Loki, _manipulating—_

Loki stumbled and pressed a hand against the nearest tree trunk to steady himself. Splinters pricked at his palm, and he looked up, blinking to clear his vision. It wasn’t a tree; it was the pole of a telephone line that stretched along the top of the ridge. His eyes scanned the ridge, straining to find the lightening rod that must be hidden somewhere. 

Thor was so certain he would have whatever he wanted. He wanted to be a football star, so that was what he became. He wanted to have friends, so that was what he got. Loki knew that it had always bothered Thor that he had never had Loki fawning over him. Loki had twisted his admiration for Thor into a bitter thing so that Thor would never guess how deep it ran. He had prodded Thor, first gently, then more sharply, trying to get his attention—and it had finally worked. Thor, who had always greeted Loki’s disregard for him with mild annoyance, had finally decided that he wanted Loki to _respect_ him, to _forgive_ him, when there was nothing to forgive and “respect” was the wrong word for it. And now, it seemed, Thor would use anything against Loki to get Loki to act the way he wanted him to. 

That was what this “road trip” was about. Thor made him feel safe and comfortable, with Sif and the others, and then Thor showed Loki that he had gained his friends’ trust, and then Thor offered—

What, exactly? What had Thor meant by looking at him like that? What had he meant the night before? If only Loki had been able to read his expression in the dark, he would know. It was frightening, not being able to read Thor. Loki always knew.

There were footsteps behind him, and Loki stepped out of the path and behind the telephone pole. Thor passed quickly without even glancing in his direction. 

All Loki had to do was last the next few days. Then Thor would get on a plane in San Francisco, and Loki would not have to see him for years, if he wanted to—until Thor tracked him down again.

In that moment, Loki resolved that when he graduated, he would run, and he would not stop running until Thor had given up on him the way he should have years ago. 


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year! :)

The last major stop before the end of their trip was the Grand Canyon. To Sif, it meant she was achingly close to home. To Thor, it meant they were almost at San Francisco, where he would board a plane to Seattle for his internship at some biotech company even he knew little about. The sun was setting as they passed through Flagstaff, setting the sides of the mountains aglow with gold and bronze, but Loki, sitting in the passenger seat beside Sif, only stared blankly out the window.

It had been a long few days since they had left the bar in Colorado. Loki’s silence had crept through the van like frost, making even Volstagg, who was normally the last to be affected by a change in Loki’s mood, irritable and withdrawn. Thor had spent most of the drive seemingly lost in thought. He had made no effort to cheer Loki up or speak to him at all. 

When they reached their hotel along highway 180, they unloaded the car and carried their packs into the room that looked so much like the others they had stayed in: plain walls, an ugly carpet patterned in reds and purples, and two double beds and a space on the floor for whoever’s turn it was to sleep in a sleeping bag. Without any discussion, Loki tossed his bag on the floor. He moved to unroll it, but Fandral caught his arm just as Thor disappeared outside to get the rest of their things from the van. 

“You’re going to have to forgive him eventually,” Fandral told Loki in a low voice, a crease between his eyebrows. “But between the two of us, you’ll regret it if it isn’t sooner rather than later.”

“You’re too nosy, Fandral,” Loki said, but he was tired, and there was no bite to his words. He shook off Fandral’s hand and turned back to his sleeping bag. 

“Doesn’t mean I’m wrong,” Fandral said just as Thor walked back in the door. Thor gave the two of them an odd look. Fandral dropped his own sleeping bag on the floor beside Loki’s and patted Loki on the shoulder, his worried expression suddenly gone. When he spoke next, his voice was light and teasing. “You’re running out of second chances, my friend.”

* * *

Loki woke to the sound of retching coming from the bathroom. He rolled over and looked at the ceiling in the light that filtered out from underneath the door. The air smelled like dust and stale laundry detergent. If it wasn’t for that smell, he could have been at home, camped out on the living room floor with Thor while they pretended they were backpacking high in the Alps or the Himalayas. 

There was a moment of silence, then the sound of the toilet flushing and running water. 

Loki folded back his sleeping bag and padded towards the bathroom. Thor was still rinsing his mouth out in the sink when he opened the door. Thor looked towards him with a slight frown. Loki stepped inside and closed the door behind him.  

Thor turned off the faucet and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “Did I wake you?” he asked quietly. 

“Stomach bug?” Loki asked in lieu of a reply. 

“I guess. I was feeling fine when I went to sleep.” Thor squinted at himself in the mirror over the sink and pushed his hair out of his eyes. The motion brought his hand into stark relief against his hair. He had a small scar on the back of his hand that Loki had never seen before. It was even and clean, like it been made with a shard of glass.

“The meatballs did look a little questionable.” 

“Yeah.” Thor sighed. He let his hair fall back over his face. “I’m going to get back to bed.” 

Loki nodded and opened the door for him. After Thor passed the sleeping figure of Fandral without tripping over him, Loki flicked off the bathroom light and made his way back to his sleeping bag in the dark. He lay awake, listening to Thor toss and turn and sigh, until Thor finally quieted down. Loki closed his eyes and went to sleep. 

The next morning, everyone could tell that Thor was in no state to be hiking up and down the Grand Canyon. He didn’t throw up again, but he came out of the shower looking only slightly less pale than he had when he went in. He immediately sat down on his bed and leaned against the headboard, which was where he was still sitting when it was time for everyone to leave.  

“You should eat something,” Volstagg said worriedly. “I have a granola bar you could have. Maybe yogurt would be better?” 

“I’m really okay,” Thor said, clapping Volstagg on the back with a reassuring smile. “I’ll eat something when I’m hungry, I promise. You have fun.” 

Loki studied Thor’s smile carefully. He was leaning against the wall opposite from Thor with his arms crossed across his chest, exactly as he had been for the past ten minutes. Thor’s smile had been losing its brilliance each time he used it, and it no longer reached his eyes. Loki wasn’t certain, but he thought he could see slight creases around Thor’s eyes as though he hadn’t slept as well the night before as he wanted everyone to believe. 

“We have to leave if we’re going to get there in time,” Hogun said. He zipped up his backpack, and Fandral, Volstagg, and Sif followed suit. Loki’s backpack remained on the floor. “Loki?” 

“I think I’ll stay here,” Loki said. Thor frowned and shot him a look, but Loki smoothly continued before he could open his mouth. “Someone should stay with Thor in case he gets worse, and I’ve never really been a fan of hiking.” His eyes narrowed slightly and his mouth twitched. “Besides, I don’t think we have enough sunscreen among us to keep me from getting sunburned.” 

Sif was the only one who didn’t laugh. She slung her backpack over one shoulder. “Whatever you want. We’re taking the car, so call us if you need anything.” Loki nodded without looking at her. She paused, like she was waiting for him to change his mind, and then walked out the door. 

When the door slammed shut behind the last of them, Loki’s gaze swung from the door back to Thor. Thor was still frowning at him. “Don’t look at me like that,” Loki told him. _Don’t look at me at all,_ he thought, but that felt like a lie. He was keenly aware that this was the first time he had been alone with Thor in days. “I already feel guilty for all the wrinkles you’re going to have in your old age.” 

Thor’s forehead immediately smoothed out. “I’m very happy to have you here,” he said seriously, “but you should go if you want to. You probably won’t get a chance to come here again.” 

“We both know you’re helpless when you’re sick,” Loki retorted, his heart in his throat. “When you had a cold sophomore year, you convinced ma to let you stay home for _two days_ just by lolling about in bed and looking miserable.” A car door slammed shut outside. “Anyway, they’ve already left.” 

“You can still catch them.” 

Loki pursed his lips. They listened to what sounded like the minivan’s engine roaring to life, which was followed by the unmistakable sound of a car pulling out of its parking spot and driving away. Loki pushed himself off the wall and walked towards Thor. “Hmm. Too late.” He grabbed a pillow from the bed next to Thor, fluffed it up, and unceremoniously shoved it behind Thor’s back. 

Suddenly, he could smell the scent of Thor’s deodorant mixed with stale sweat. He was too close to Thor, too slow to pull away like he should. But all Thor did was glance at him, then lean back against the pillow. 

“You’re acting like ma,” Thor grumbled. “And be a little more gentle, will you? I have the flu.” To demonstrate, he let his head flop to one side. 

Loki stepped back and rolled his eyes. “And you say _I’m_ the drama queen.” 

“But I have the flu,” Thor protested as Loki rummaged through their supplies. 

“You do not. You have food poisoning. Now sit up and eat something.” 

“I wish you’d gone on the hike,” Thor grumbled as he took a granola bar from him. 

“ _I_ wish I could find some peace and quiet,” Loki said loudly over the sound of Thor unwrapping the granola bar as noisily as possible.  

“I can’t hear you,” Thor said around a mouthful of granola. Loki snorted and fished around in his luggage for a book. 

* * *

 

Thor was able to eat half the granola bar before he started to feel queasy again, but the nausea subsided after only a few minutes, which they both deemed a success. Loki settled himself on the double bed beside him and pulled out his laptop. Thor drifted off to the clacking of his fingers on the keys. 

Thor woke up a few hours later to the pop and hiss of a can of soda. He squinted at the double bed next to him to find Loki sitting on it exactly the way he had been. Loki was looking at him warily, like he hadn’t meant to actually wake him. 

Thor groaned and threw an arm over his eyes. “Don’t tell me you’re trying to get me to drink Sprite,” he rasped. Loki snorted softly. Thor removed his arm and saw that Loki was holding up a can with an orange label. 

“No. This is mine. It’s some fruit drink.” 

Thor frowned. “Are you going to give me some?” 

“What part of ‘mine’ don’t you understand?” Loki’s eyes slid over to him. He put his laptop aside and held out the can in the space between the beds. “Unless you want some.” 

“Is it good?” 

Loki shrugged. Thor gingerly reached over and took the can from him. “This is _disgusting,”_ Thor told him, and after drinking the rest of it, promptly fell back asleep. 

* * *

 

When after half an hour it didn’t seem like Thor was any closer to waking up, Loki quietly put away his laptop, found his room key, and made his way out of the room. He wandered through the lobby looking for food, but any breakfast they might have served had long since been cleared away. With a brief glance at the time, he pushed open the front door and stepped out into the Arizona sunshine. 

The cluster of hotels on route 180 didn’t have much to speak of in the way of grocery stores, which was understandable. Grand Canyon Village was only fifteen minutes away, and Flagstaff was only an hour. The area didn’t have much in the way of restaurants, either, which was more of a problem. Loki eyed the McDonald’s and Wendy’s with distaste and realized that this adventure might end up taking a little longer than he had hoped. 

After wandering in and out of restaurants for twenty minutes with little success, he gave up and took a seat in a restaurant that at least had a normal sandwich or two on its menu. He ordered a sandwich for himself and soup for Thor. 

“That’s not on the menu,” the waitress pointed out. 

Loki gave her his most winning smile. “I’m sure the chef can manage it.” The waitress’s expression did not change. Loki considered the situation, and then sighed. “I’ll pay double whatever the price for your _normal_ soup is, and I’ll tip accordingly. Just make sure it’s a large serving.” 

It wasn’t what he usually thought of as forgiveness. It wasn’t his mother’s unreserved kindness or Thor’s genuine _Don’t worry about it_. But there were only so many ways Loki could bring himself to say goodbye, and even fewer which Thor would understand. This, he supposed, was the kindest. 

* * *

 

Thor had been drowsing since Loki left. When Loki opened the door and stepped inside, Thor struggled to sit up the rest of the way and look awake. When he saw that Loki was clearly holding food, he braced himself for a wave of nausea—and found his stomach rumbling. “Is that for me?” 

Loki glanced at him and closed the door. “Good, you’re awake. Yes, but the sandwich is mine.” He set the sandwich, wrapped deli-style, down on the bed and approached Thor with a styrofoam container of what looked like soup. “Careful, it’s hot.” 

Thor took the container from Loki and held it gingerly in his lap. He pried off the plastic lid and inhaled. He looked at the soup. He looked at Loki. 

“Loki.” 

“Mmm-hmm?” Loki upended the plastic bag on the bed, revealing a small mountain of oyster crackers. 

“This is chicken soup.” 

“The most expensive chicken soup you have ever had the pleasure of tasting.” Loki sat on the bed next to Thor, crossed his legs, and unwrapped his sandwich. He took a dainty bite out of what looked like a delicious turkey sandwich with everything on it. 

“You realize you aren’t actually our mother, right?” 

Loki gave him a _look_ that did not invite further comment. Thor looked back at the soup. “Sorry,” Loki said as he picked a pickle out of his own lunch. “There’s no spoon.” 

As a compromise, Thor drank the whole carton of soup and stole half of Loki’s sandwich. 

* * *

 

When Sif and company returned, they found Thor looking much better. Loki was curled up in the other bed reading a book with a self-satisfied smile on his face. When Sif raised her eyebrows at him, he met her eyes. His smile hardly faded at all. 

* * *

“You’re not going to join them?” 

Loki looked up at Thor from where he was propped up on his hands on a beach towel. He was wearing a pair of sunglasses with opaque black lenses that shimmered emerald and violet when the light hit them. Thor had never seen Loki wear sunglasses before in his entire life and had a strong suspicion he had picked them up at the gas station two miles back. Loki looked back at the ocean. “No.” 

Thor plopped down on the sand next to him with a sigh. “I don’t blame you. The water’s freezing.” 

They had made it to Santa Barbara with the rest of the day to waste. It was noon, but the fog was only just burning off above the waves. Loki was the only one who hadn’t put on some kind of swimwear, though he had unearthed a pair of shorts and was lounging in them and a thin t-shirt Thor had never seen before. There was a piercing scream, and Thor squinted down at the water in time to see a wave catch Volstagg in the side. Hogun had separated from the group and was wandering down the wet sand with his flip-flops in one hand. 

“Thank God I never went on that trip to the Sahara,” Loki said vehemently. “Give me dirt over sand any day.” 

“When were you going to go to the Sahara?” Thor demanded. “You never told me about this.” 

Loki wrinkled his nose. “After high school, when I was going to become a hermit and study ancient texts in isolation.” 

Thor laughed. Loki didn’t smile. Thor’s laugher faded. “What, really? That doesn’t sound like you at all. You hate the heat.” 

“There are many interesting snakes that live in the desert,” Loki said, sounding stung. “And I would only go out at night.” 

Thor lay on his back, probably getting sand in his hair. He didn’t care. “But how would I visit you? I wouldn’t know how to find you. And I don’t like snakes.” He paused. “Ma would have kittens.” 

“You are the most self-centered person I have ever met.” 

In response, Thor scooped up a handful of sand and dumped it in Loki’s hair. He was halfway to the water’s edge, laughing, by the time Loki shook it out and struggled to his feet, swearing revenge.

* * *

“I need to pee,” Fandral announced. They were on I-5, somewhere south of San Francisco and many miles short of a reststop. 

“So do I,” said Volstagg. There was a chorus of agreement. 

Hogun, who was driving, snorted. “Let me know the next time you see a building.” 

This was a fair request, since they had not seen anything other than phone lines and grass for about four hours. A few minutes later, Volstagg’s phone guided them to a small town, and Hogun slowed down as they drove through it. Almost every building was residential. They all decided they were not _that_ desperate. 

Finally, they found a high school which looked, if not open, at least like a semi-public building. They split up and spread out. Hogun, Loki, and Thor ended up together, and they headed for the gym. The front door was locked, but the back door was not, and they found themselves in the locker room bathroom. 

Hogun stepped outside to get reception and phone the rest of the team. After Loki and Thor had taken their turn, they went out back to wait for the others. It was wonderful to be outside for once, on the green grass. Loki shaded his eyes and looked up at the sky. “That’s a red-tailed hawk, I think,” he said. 

Thor squinted at where he was pointing. There was a bird circling lazily above them. It moved close to the sun and its tail flashed russet. “I think you’re right,” he had time to say before Loki poked him, hard, in the side. Thor yelped. Loki danced away, laughing. “Not so fast,” Thor growled, and tackled him to the ground. 

Loki made a strong effort to push Thor off him, but he was laughing so hard, he had some trouble with it. He finally flipped Thor over, who grunted. He grabbed a handful of muddy grass and rubbed it into Thor’s hair. “Payback,” he said, his smile razor-sharp. Thor’s answering smile was slow and full of teeth. 

“Boys!” Sif called. “We’re leaving in five!” 

“Coming,” Thor called back, and grabbed a fistful of mud from the ground beside him. 

Fandral gave the two of them an amused look as he passed them on his way out of the bathroom. “I’ll tell her you need an extra minute to clean up,” he told them dryly, and he followed Volstagg around the edge of the gym. 

Loki huffed and sat up. He tucked a strand of hair behind his ear, which only smeared more mud on his face. Thor, who had since pushed Loki off of him, stood up and offered him a hand. Loki made a face, but he took it. When he got to his feet, he swayed towards Thor like he was going to fall — and then planted his muddy hand on Thor’s chest. Thor looked down in shock at the handprint now securely placed over his sternum. “You fucker!” he cried, but Loki was already walking away. 

“Dick,” Loki called over his shoulder.  

Thor jogged to catch up. “Little shit.” 

“Hardly.” 

Thor reached over and ruffled Loki’s hair, ensuring it was covered in mud. “Brother.” 

Loki squawked and tried to shake him off. Thor pulled his hand away, laughing. 

They went back into the bathroom and each picked a sink. Loki spent a moment assessing the damage in the mirror. His face was smeared with mud, and his shirt was plastered to his chest. He sighed and turned the water on as high as it would go. 

Thor was smiling as he scrubbed at his own arms. “It’s nice to see you happy.” 

Loki rolled his eyes and scrubbed at a spot of mud on the back of his hand. “Please.” 

“Please what? You think I’m lying?” 

“No, I think you’re a sap.” 

Thor looked back at the muddy water spilling off his arms and into the sink. “I’m sorry.” 

Loki looked up, startled. “What?” 

Thor raised his eyes and met Loki’s gaze in the mirror. “I’m sorry for that night. It wasn’t my fault you fell, but it was my fault you were alone.” All Loki could hear was the rushing of water in his ears. “I should have told you where I was going for college, and I should have told you that I was always planning on come back home. I shouldn’t have been kept that from you.” Thor smiled slightly. “I’d say I should have invited you to go to prom with us, but I know you never would have gone.” 

The water ran bone-achingly cold over his hands, but Loki didn’t turn it off. “You can’t think I would expect you to ask my permission to leave,” he said, but his voice was too unsteady for it to sound as sarcastic as he had hoped.  

“And I would have gone to Oklahoma anyway, no matter what you had said.” Thor splashed some water on his face and scrubbed at the worst of it on his forehead. “But I should have let you tell me how you felt about it. I didn’t realize until now that that was when this started. We’ve barely spoken for years—” 

“It doesn’t have to be one thing,” Loki said sharply. His fingers were going numb, and he turned off the water. “You think we haven’t been speaking because you forgot to tell me one little thing?” He yanked out a paper towel and dried off his hands with quick, harsh movements. 

“So why?” 

Tears pricked at the corners of Loki’s eyes. He gritted his teeth. “It started years before that, Thor. _Years._ You think the fact that you wanted to leave home was some big secret? It wasn’t even a surprise. The only one of us who has _ever_ had to hide, _ever_ had to hope that you really are as oblivious as you seem, is _me.”_  

Thor’s eyes went dark. He turned off the water, but Loki barely noticed. “What do you mean?” 

“You wouldn’t understand,” he spat. “You have _never_ understood. We are not brothers, and we never were!” 

For a long moment, there was silence. Loki could not bear to see the disappointment and pain in Thor’s eyes, so he kept his eyes on the cracked tiles of the floor beneath his feet. They were white and black, in a checkered pattern, one that repeated endlessly beyond the edge of his sight. 

“When I call you brother, I always mean that I will never abandon you,” Thor said quietly. 

“Then you are a liar,” Loki gritted out. “And when I call you brother, I mean to remind you of that.” 

“Loki,” said Thor. Loki looked up without conscious thought. They were so close, he could feel the heat of Thor’s body on his water-chilled skin. There were flecks of dark grey in Thor’s blue eyes that gave them a depth very much like that of storm clouds: soft at first, but with a hidden edge as hard and unforgiving as lightening. “You seem to think you have always been the only one with secrets. I—” 

Loki could not stand to hear him finish that sentence. Anger and desire fizzled under his skin so close to the surface, he could not tell the difference between them anymore. He grabbed Thor by the front of his shirt and kissed him. 

Thor froze. His hands came up automatically to Loki’s shoulders to steady him. His hands were warm through the thin fabric of Loki’s shirt, but his lips were cold and damp from the water. All Loki could hear was a rushing in his ears. He could do nothing as Thor’s mouth softened just a fraction, do nothing as Thor relaxed and exhaled warm breath into his mouth. 

Loki tore free and stood, panting, with Thor’s hands still on his shoulders. He could see every freckle on Thor’s face, every fleck of grey in his blue eyes.

“Loki,” Thor breathed. Loki stepped away before he could see whether it was surprise or disappointment in Thor’s eyes. 

Loki strode across the gym floor, his lithe form reflected in the dark wood. His shoulders were tense and determined. “Loki,” Thor called. Loki kept walking. He could see the van outside the doors; Sif had driven the van right up to the front of the gym. Thor hurried to follow him, but he didn’t catch up until Loki was already climbing into the van—into the front seat, next to Sif, and pulling the door closed. 

“You took long enough,” Sif said, and Loki laughed. It sounded very far away. 

“As you can see, we had some cleaning up to do,” Loki said, buckling his seatbelt. 

Sif snorted. “I know, I heard. Don’t get any mud on the upholstery!” she called to Thor. 

There was no sign anything had changed, no sudden hush or silence. Hogun was the only one who gave Thor a curious glance as he climbed into the empty seat at the back of the van. Thor buckled his seatbelt, the others started to argue about how to find the highway again, and his gaze dropped away. 

* * *

In San Francisco, in front of the domestic departures, Thor came over to the passenger side of the car with his bag slung over his shoulder. Loki was slumped in his seat, gazing out the windshield. The wind played with his hair through the open window. “Goodbye,” Thor said. 

“Bye, Thor,” Loki said without looking up. Thor started to put a hand on his shoulder, then let it fall and walked away.


End file.
